Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

It’s called crying and it’s normal

Jean Paul Brutus, MD
Physician
November 27, 2022
408 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

Doctors treat people in all types of situations. Life or death. Sometimes both. Babies die, children die, and teenagers die. Women die. Men die. Sometimes you even have the misfortune of delivering a stillborn. Everyone experiences death, but for doctors, it’s part of our daily norm. Day after day, for decades throughout their career, we have to experience death and the pain of others. Beyond being knowledgeable and competent in our chosen field of medicine, doctors are expected to be empathetic, patient, compassionate, and confident in the face of mayhem.

Dealing with this amount of pain and suffering is literally heartbreaking, and most doctors (surprise!) have a heart, so we suffer too. Even if we don’t show it, we feel pain and sadness – we do not show it, though, because that would seem unprofessional, heaven forbid your doctor shows any emotion, right?

I’m going to call BS right now.

You cannot treat people with humanity and warmth and not be human. You cannot be human and not feel pain or sadness. Unfortunately, believe it or not, doctors get zero training on how to deal with these emotions and these painful situations in med school.

We are taught how to separate ourselves from our emotions so we can pronounce someone dead, inform the family and then move on to our next patient. Unfortunately, whether we admit it or not, these emotions just pile up over time, and eventually, we have a metaphorical graveyard of these memories buried inside of us.

We are not trained to grieve our dying patients, our losses, or our failures to save or improve a life. We are not trained on how to help a grieving family once their loved one finally passes. So what do we do, we do our job, and then when we are alone in our office, alone in the stairwell, alone in our car, or at home, we cry. At least the healthy ones cry.

The other ones deny any impact on their emotional being by disconnecting from their humanity to protect themselves from the pain. They become either zombies or physically or mentally sick. Unprocessed grief causes disease. We know that. Some use alcohol, some use drugs (illegal or prescribed), and some use other addictive coping mechanisms like obsessive jogging or cycling, for example, to cope.

Some doctors even commit suicide when it becomes too much, and they don’t know how to deal with their grief and are scared or don’t know how to ask for help.

It is OK to show your emotions as a doctor, especially empathy and compassion. That is actually professional and in what patients and their families want and need.

A compassionate doctor who can empathize with what they are going through emotionally and not just try and help them physically.

One day, when I was a resident, a resident colleague broke down in front of me in the hallway of a hospital. She was burned out and sad. She was exhausted. I felt embarrassed and did not know what to do or say to comfort her. So rather than tell her that, I kept the interaction short.

Looking back, I deeply regret not helping this resident during her time of need. I, too, was a resident and know exactly how she felt. I should have just told her it was OK, and I was there to listen to whatever she needed to vent. I just did not know at the time. I was trained to save a dying patient, but I was not trained to help my colleagues when they break down in the hallway. I know she is fine now, but I wish I could go back in time. I am sorry.

Doctors cry because we are humans. And it is OK. It is actually better that way.

Don’t think crying for a patient is unprofessional or that you will seem less competent or professional. It is human. A doctor is simply a human trying to help another human.

Jean Paul Brutus is a hand surgeon.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Don't lie about medical errors. Apologize.

November 27, 2022 Kevin 1
…
Next

Has medicine lost its why?

November 27, 2022 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Don't lie about medical errors. Apologize.
Next Post >
Has medicine lost its why?

More by Jean Paul Brutus, MD

  • What causes fainting and how to prevent it during needle procedures

    Jean Paul Brutus, MD
  • The private health care debate in Canada: What’s the real issue?

    Jean Paul Brutus, MD
  • Patients vs. customers: the ethics of health care as a business

    Jean Paul Brutus, MD

Related Posts

  • Welcome to the new normal: practices of 500 physicians or more

    Peter Ubel, MD
  • How do we push forward into this new normal?

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Open your heart to your suffering

    Toni Bernhard, JD
  • Healing and heart when recovering from cancer

    Pat Wetzel and Sherry-Ann Brown, MD, PhD
  • The magic of medicine stems from the empathy of one heart opening itself to another

    Claire Brown
  • The story of a heart transplant in a 1-year-old, as told by his mother

    Susan May

More in Physician

  • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

    Jennifer Lycette, MD
  • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Master time management with 7 productivity strategies for optimal results

    Farzana Hoque, MD
  • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

    William Lynes, MD
  • The escalating violence in health care workplaces: a critical problem facing the nation’s health care system

    Harry Severance, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the global pandemic threat: insights into risk factors and urgent measures for prevention

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Policy
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Empowering Black nurses for lasting change [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • 'You Can't Yoga Your Way Out of This': What We Heard This Week
  • New Standard in Operable EGFR-Positive Lung Cancer
  • New Ovarian Cancer Drug Extends Survival in Resistant Disease
  • Neoadjuvant Chemo Flops Versus Upfront Surgery for Resectable Pancreatic Cancer
  • Why Can't I Be Both a Good Doctor and a Good Mother?

Meeting Coverage

  • New Standard in Operable EGFR-Positive Lung Cancer
  • New Ovarian Cancer Drug Extends Survival in Resistant Disease
  • Neoadjuvant Chemo Flops Versus Upfront Surgery for Resectable Pancreatic Cancer
  • Novel Anti-HER2 Drugs 'Impressive' in Advanced Biliary Cancer
  • Chemo-Free Approach Works in Subset of Patients With HER2+ Early Breast Cancer
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the global pandemic threat: insights into risk factors and urgent measures for prevention

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Policy
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Empowering Black nurses for lasting change [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...