Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

How depression made this doctor a better physician

Alistair MacDonald, MD
Physician
June 6, 2019
592 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

Residing in all of us, whether or not we feel it, is an innate zest for life. As a family medicine resident, I live with enthusiasm daily, because I am happy seeing patients, no matter my rotation. From the acute care wards to the family medicine clinic, I enjoy and relish the opportunities to sit with patients. Unfortunately, this zest for life was once lost on me, and at times in residency, it can be challenging to maintain.

Given the difficult working conditions and systemic pressures in the culture of medicine, it should come as no surprise that so many physicians, including myself, suffer or have suffered from mental illness. It is well documented that rates of burnout and depression are exceedingly high in our field. This started for me in first year of medical school. I took on an unhealthy amount of extracurricular activities, neglecting my own health, feeling inadequate relative to my peers, and trying to quell the fear of failing by studying endlessly. I crawled to the end of first year, not understanding what was happening to my body and mind. I lost 30 pounds, and progressively distanced myself from everyone. By mid-summer, I was in a full-blown episode of severe depression. My sadness morphed to numbness; the contrast to my former self was stark and perhaps would have been more shocking had I not felt so devoid of emotion. I was in immense pain and even contemplated taking my own life. I blamed medical school for what was transpiring and yet couldn’t bear not to go back for second year. I couldn’t just give up my dream that I had worked so hard for! I went back and lasted less than a month.

Luckily I had an army of support behind me. My then girlfriend (now wife), family, psychiatrist, family doctor, counselor and voracious pursuit of self-help were all instrumental in getting me back on my feet. Slowly but surely, I started enjoying life again. Eventually, my spark for medicine grew, and I wanted to go back.

I timidly joined a new cohort the following September, afraid of how faculty and students would react to a colleague with mental illness. Would my reputation be tainted? Would future career opportunities be thwarted? I persevered, but some of my misgivings materialized when it came around to interview for residency. I was shocked at the interview advice my medical school gave: “Tell them you took time off for your health but don’t be specific. Tell them how it made you more resilient.” While I felt they wanted me to evade the truth, I don’t blame my school. Overall I was satisfied with the support they gave me, and I believe they were trying to help me match. Others with mental illness already in residency told me what to do verbatim. At least they acknowledged the stigma: the sad need to disguise part of who I am, and what I had been through.

Fast forward to Fall 2018. In my call room dazed with fatigue, I was working on hour 88 of 103 for the week, away from family and friends on Thanksgiving weekend. I remember questioning my sanity and that of many other physicians. I felt anxious with my pager by my side, praying that I would get some sleep, even an hour. I remember feeling nauseous, tired, sad, and frustrated by almost everything. I didn’t want to see any more patients. I’d stayed up two nights that week working 24-hour shifts and was on track for another 24+ hours without sleep. It’s hard to feel “well” when you’re working senseless hours that are unheard of in other professions, and questioning the safety for all involved, of working such long hours.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. For the most part, I am thriving, and I have found my zest again. I enjoy few things more than putting a smile on a patient’s face. I am most happy when I get to help patients with their mental health. I enjoy empathizing with patients, letting them know that I’ve been there, and that I am living proof it can and will get better. My main goal is to give them hope. I try and support patients as best I can with the resources available. I counsel them to make small changes in their lives that will turn into positive habits, aiding both their mental and physical well-being. I counsel on cognitive behavioral therapy and give worksheets, recommend meditation apps, refer to social work, prescribe medication, etc. Perhaps most importantly though, I listen. I listen actively to their stories of hardship, pain, and suffering. I lend a supportive ear when they feel they have no one.

While sometimes I struggle as a resident with the long hours, the stresses of being a junior physician, and trying to balance work with life, I am grateful beyond words for where I am today. I am healthy and look forward to going into work and assisting patients as best I can. I would never have gotten here without the help of several others, including physicians. I will continually strive to help others with mental illness throughout my career so that they can find the zest for life that exists within each and every one of us.

Alistair MacDonald is a family medicine resident.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Burnout prevention should be taught in residency

June 6, 2019 Kevin 0
…
Next

3 steps to reconnect to who you are behind the white coat

June 7, 2019 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Psychiatry

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Burnout prevention should be taught in residency
Next Post >
3 steps to reconnect to who you are behind the white coat

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • Treating depression with ketamine: We need incremental treatment for depression

    Shaili Jain, MD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Why this physician supports Medicare for all

    Thad Salmon, MD

More in Physician

  • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

    Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH
  • The erosion of patient care

    Laura de la Torre, MD
  • Navigating adulthood in the digital age

    Eleanor Menzin, MD
  • The power of business knowledge for medical professionals

    Curtis G. Graham, MD
  • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

    Sarah Samaan, MD
  • Lively communication in the service industry

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education
    • Family support is pivotal in the treatment of schizophrenia

      Frank Chen, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education
    • Transforming primary care for physician well-being [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
    • Doctors and disability insurance: Protecting your income

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • Emergency care nightmare: the urgent need for experienced nurses

      Rachel Basham, RN, CCRN | Conditions
    • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Report: Persistence of Gender Inequalities in Cancer Care, and a Call to Action
  • Cancer Risk in NAFLD Higher With Early Disease Onset
  • FDA Displeased With Companies Purposely Adding Sesame to More Foods
  • COVID Vax Appointment Cancelled? New Shot Rollout Faces Challenges
  • Medical Residents Receive 100+ Job Offer Contacts, Survey Shows

Meeting Coverage

  • New Schizophrenia Treatments Are Coming: Don't Panic
  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • AI Has an Image Problem in Healthcare, Expert Says
  • Want Better Health Outcomes? Check Out What Other Countries Do
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education
    • Family support is pivotal in the treatment of schizophrenia

      Frank Chen, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education
    • Transforming primary care for physician well-being [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
    • Doctors and disability insurance: Protecting your income

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • Emergency care nightmare: the urgent need for experienced nurses

      Rachel Basham, RN, CCRN | Conditions
    • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

How depression made this doctor a better physician
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...