Debbie Moore-Black is a nurse who blogs at Do Not Resuscitate.
I thought it would be easier than ICU nursing. After 33 years as an ICU nurse, I had to leave. I just couldn’t take the pounding on the chests of little old men and women. Hearing and feeling their ribs crack while CPR was performed. I couldn’t handle these poor patients who should have had a peaceful death when the inevitable was near.
Family members with expectations of miracles. Denial. Rationalization.
And …
It’s not what you think. It’s not my actual mortality.
It’s that emotional death.
Of being a nurse.
If you’ve never been a nurse. Then you will never know.
It’s that’s giving of yourself: heart and soul.
Constantly and forever.
It’s not being with your family for Easter or Thanksgiving or Christmas.
It’s not being able to go to the bathroom or even take a 30-minute break in 12 to 13 hours.
It’s being surrounded by bully nurses …
We are nurses. We are in highly dangerous and volatile units at hospitals. We are not working in a prison. We work in behavioral health. The intensive management unit, the adolescent unit, the dual-diagnosis unit, and the behavioral health emergency department.
We are specially trained to protect ourselves and others with CPI — a mandatory nonviolent crisis intervention training. We have patients who are schizophrenic, bipolar, drug addicts, with assault charges, …
Granny Rachel, my husband’s mother, was an old country soul. She was a simple lady who loved the Lord.
She accepted me with open arms when my own parents turned their backs on me.
Granny Rachel made the best sweet tea and the best homemade vegetable soup with cornbread and gave unconditional love to all.
She totaled two of her cars twice. Her son would check on her and found multiple candles lit …
The 911 call came too late. Her daughter was 32 years old and usually quite healthy. But she refused the COVID vaccinations. She said she took her vitamins and was healthy and that “God is my pilot” and “I don’t want toxins in my body.”
Her mother knew she was running a high fever. She knew she was short of breath frequently … until…
Her 10-year-old grandson couldn’t wake his momma up …
“My body, my rights.”
“My body is a temple.”
“I don’t want poison going into my body.”
” I’ve done my research.”
And they refuse to wear masks; they refuse to social distance. They refuse COVID vaccinations and the booster. Essentially, they spit in the face of the population that trusts in science and medical research.
The disrespect and disregard for scientists, medical doctors, RNs and respiratory therapists are astonishing.
Their support groups tout ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine …
It became a prison to me — impending doom.
I knew I had only three months left before I could retire. Three months isn’t long, but it is a lifetime away.
That long drive to work in that heavy highway traffic where there was always a collision. The anxiety of the drive knowing all along there was even more anxiety to come.
The patients that were involuntarily committed — forever schizophrenics and bipolar, …
An executive father. Alcoholism. And that gallon of wine.
As I walked through the wine section at the grocery store, I spotted one of those gallon jugs of wine. I was searching for Christmas presents for my friends. But that brand glared at me.
Daddy — my IBM executive father.
We loved him so. But year by year, his demons took over. Every night, there was a gallon of wine. On weekends, he’d …
Along came COVID, and no one was prepared. We had minimal PPE. We were told to put our N95 mask in a paper bag, use it on every patient, and use it for one full week. Normally the N95 mask would be disposed of after each patient room exit.
Health care staff was dying at the hands of COVID and lack of PPE. Over 115,000 health care workers died from COVID. …
He was the middleman — the man that took the crack cocaine from the main guy, the drug dealer and then sold it to his “clients” and kept a percentage of the money for himself and the rest to the dealer.
It was a fine-tuned operation. You could make a lot of money. But you had to be precise, or else.
The patient was a tall, slim 20-something man. He had a …
In Catholic elementary school, we sat at our school desks, and the nuns had us pray for the lost souls in purgatory every day.
If we prayed hard enough, we would pray them out of purgatory and lift them into heaven.
Before I clock in, I say my anti-assault prayers to the gods. I pray for safety. I pray for the next 12 hours to be uneventful.
I thought I would give ICU …
Working day after day, year after year, in a busy high acuity ICU, we all have become a “second family.”
The public doesn’t hear much about respiratory therapists, especially during this COVID nightmare. But they have been the unsung heroes.
So who are the respiratory therapists, and what do they do?
Respiratory therapists are specialized health care professionals trained in critical care and cardio-pulmonary medicine. They work therapeutically with people suffering from acute …
In this small town I live in, a funeral procession is a big deal. The hearse is followed by several black cars turning into an array of family and friends cars. All of them roll slowly and sadly to the final destination.
I knew all about this funeral.
A bright, college-educated woman. Six months pregnant. She had immense faith in God. God granted immunity from COVID. God would protect her from COVID. …
Sometimes, the most traumatic events happened when I was young and new and just starting my ICU career. When you least expect it, those repressed memories come glaring at you.
Thinking I had tucked this tragedy away forever, and then within a flash — 25 years later, I see that little four-year-old boy, holding his daddy’s hand.
Watching doctors and nurses work on his mommy.
This mother. This wife.
After countless code blues, her …
My youngest daughter just got married to a fine young man. She was beautiful and radiant.
As I gave my daughter away when the minister told me to, I sat down next to a picture of my deceased husband. He passed away four years ago.
Lisa was our last child. Most likely, she saw the truth.
She saw the way my husband treated me after the other two children had gone off to …
It was my turn to sit for the next 8 hours in the middle of the night at the mental health crisis center that’s run by a team of therapists and social workers with the community mental health center. We regularly collaborated with the local police department and EMS for people experiencing a mental health crisis.
We never knew what to expect, and every day was something different.
We were a good, …
Where do I begin? Maybe at the beginning.
Let’s start with the degradation and devaluation of nurses across this country.
For decades, I lived the devaluing of nurses. Daily huddles from our nurse managers, ER nurses, ICU nurses, and behavioral health nurses. Emails and huddles about downsizing. Nurse-patient ratios. Decreasing nursing staff and increasing patients. ICU nurses typically had a 2:1 ratio and, depending on the patient’s acuity, a 1:1 ratio. But …
You know that if you don’t get vaccinated and you don’t wear a mask, you potentially will die.
You go to super spreader events, big groups at beaches, football games, baseball games … loads of people laughing and clapping, and shoulder to shoulder.
Your refusal of the mask and COVID vaccination almost seems like a passage. Beating your chest. The survivor. It won’t happen to me.
Until you can’t breathe anymore. Delta doesn’t …
I go to the hospital cafeteria to unwind from this night — another unpredictable one with irrational patients that randomly attempt to assault the staff.
This time, they missed. Behavioral health. Land of the psychotics and schizophrenics. But an incredible staff to work with.
This song blares out. “Easy Like Sunday Morning.” And I know that nothing is “easy” anymore.
I’ve heard it all about COVID vaccinations:
“It’s my body.”
“It’s not FDA-approved.”
“I have natural …
Maybe we can take a deep breath — and breathe out slowly. Perhaps we can check our pulse. Go on that vacation far away or visit a beach and watch the crashing waves. Listen to the seagulls, the breeze, the blue skies. And turn our cell phones off.
But as an ICU nurse who loved this speciality, having COVID patients in the ICU was a war zone.
One ICU room would now …
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