Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Why this physician and her husband almost divorced

Dr. Bethany Boulton
Physician
August 20, 2021
452 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

My husband and I recently had a bit of a wobble in our marriage. In truth, it was more than a wobble, and it had been building for years. I am pleased to say that we have traversed the turbulence. Not only are we once again sailing in smooth waters, but we are sailing in more idyllic waters than ever before.

Why did it happen?

For so many reasons, but I need to admit that in large part, it was because my type-B non-medical husband was married to a type-A medical wife.

Our troubles began the day the nanny decided that she was too tired to keep working after falling pregnant and handed in her notice. As the mother of a six-month-old baby, I wanted to tell her that she had no idea about tiredness!

We had relocated from my husband’s hometown when I accepted a consultant position at the hospital, where I had completed much of my training. In retrospect, we don’t remember ever really discussing any alternatives to this plan. At the time, I was working part-time and my husband full-time in a position that was not his usual occupation – after the move, job opportunities with his skillset were scarce. In those 12 months, we got married, had a baby and bought and then renovated a house.

So generous was my consultant remuneration package, I could work one extra day each week and more than cover my husband’s full-time salary. It was a no-brainer. He resigned his position to assume the non-gender-typical role of primary caregiver to our daughter.

The science has provided lots of evidence that there are benefits of the stay-at-home father family structure, including:

  • Minimising day care costs
  • Reduced carer’s leave for the parent in paid employment
  • Higher cognitive scores in toddlers
  • Superior language development in children whose fathers read to them
  • Advanced skills development due to lower parental risk aversion

It all made perfect sense, but in fact, it was a recipe for disaster.

This new arrangement suited me perfectly! I set to work establishing my consultant career and developed an interest in college conferences. I could go to work dinners and girls’ nights out because my husband could babysit, though, to my own amusement, I condescended to him that I preferred to call it parenting.

Sure, I was tired, and my enthusiasm for intimacy waned, but I was kicking goals in the workplace, and after our second child was born, we had the picture-perfect family.

Ensconced in the niche portfolio of clinician health, I started presenting at conferences and even co-wrote a chapter on the subject in the Australian bible of Emergency Medicine. Clinician health was emerging as an essential topic as healthy doctors provide better patient care. I completely missed the part where the relationships clinicians have at home are a significant contributor to their health and, therefore, performance.

Bucking the societal norm was always going to be a challenge. Otherwise, more people would have been doing it. The statistics show that only 4 to 5 percent of two-parent families in Australia function with a male in the primary caregiver role.

Looking back, it’s easy to recognize that I took him for granted, and we didn’t do enough to establish his own personal and professional niche.
Perhaps he could have worked part-time, and we could have shared the caregiving role. But numerous studies have shown that there remains much discrimination and bias when it comes to men requesting part-time or flexible working opportunities.

Perhaps he would have benefited from participating in community groups, as isolation has been touted as a significant issue for all stay-at-home parents. Consistently being the token male participant can become uncomfortable if you are an introvert like my beau. The isolation only compounds the increased risk of depression that male primary carers bear, alongside the stress and anxiety about being wholly financially dependent.

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Some of the tension arose from role conflict within me. As Annabel Crabb said:

“The obligation for working mothers is a very precise one: the feeling that one ought to work as if one did not have children, while raising one’s children as if one did not have a job.”

I had high expectations on how our household should run and what our children should be achieving. The anger that burned when the beds weren’t made, the spelling wasn’t learned, or the piano wasn’t practiced was born from the shame that I felt like a failure to be the perfect working mother. My husband largely bore the brunt of that guilt.

Our problems came to a head when the prospect of life apart seemed easier to both of us than a life together. The literature suggests that divorce rates in physicians are lower than that of the general population. However, divorce rates in female physicians is greater than that of their male counterparts. This suggests that female physicians are less satisfied in their marriages. I became curious about what factors contribute to marital satisfaction for physicians and their spouses!

A 2013 Mayo Clinic survey of physician spouses found that while physicians often come home irritable and are preoccupied with work, the dominant factor that predicted relationship satisfaction was the awake time spent with their spouse. Specialty choice or hours worked by the physician partner played no role.

Isaac et al found that the physician wife’s support for her husband’s career is critical. Other relational aspects seen as important by the male spouses of female physicians were:

  • Having a set time for synchronizing schedules
  • Frequent verbal support
  • Shared decision-making

Recently, on our journey back to marital accord, a counselor listened to the narrative of my husband’s 10-year journey of relocation, job sacrifice and social isolation and retorted, “Well, what did you expect would happen?” While it engendered a sense of justification for our struggles, we had to reflect on what we would or could have done differently to help inform a healthier pathway forward.

Perhaps we could have actively pursued flexible or part-time work or seek upskilling opportunities for my husband.

Perhaps we could have placed a half-life on our family’s chosen primary care structure to afford my husband some light at the end of the tunnel.

Perhaps I could have just been a more thoughtful, considerate doctor wife and dedicated sufficient precious time to nurturing the person and relationship that had always supported me personally and professionally, a habit that I can now say I practice more diligently.

There was a time when I espoused to my female colleagues with non-medical partners that the Daddy Day Care model was the only logical way to operate. I still believe there is a place, but now understand that such a proposition must also mandate opportunities for fulfillment for all and contain a mutually acceptable escape clause. Because, as Michael J. Fox once said, “Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.”

Bethany Boulton is an emergency physician in Australia.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

We are all out of ideas for how to convince you to get vaccinated

August 20, 2021 Kevin 2
…
Next

What has leadership accomplished by asking for innovation?

August 20, 2021 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: Emergency Medicine

Post navigation

< Previous Post
We are all out of ideas for how to convince you to get vaccinated
Next Post >
What has leadership accomplished by asking for innovation?

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Why this physician supports Medicare for all

    Thad Salmon, MD
  • Embrace the teamwork involved in becoming a physician

    Nathaniel Fleming

More in Physician

  • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

    Elizabeth Cerceo, MD
  • Raw humanity on night float: inspiring patient encounters and overcoming challenges

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • Revolutionizing emergency medicine: Overcoming long-term challenges with innovative solutions for physicians and patients

    Anonymous
  • The pediatric health care system tested to the limits: an inside look at the “at capacity” period during the tripledemic

    Jacqueline Bolt, MD
  • How chronic illness and disability are portrayed in media and the importance of daily choices for improved quality of life

    Juliet Morgan and Meghan Jobson
  • How biased language and stigmatizing labels affect patient care and treatment

    Joan Naidorf, DO
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • Unmasking wage disparity in health care: the truth behind the Elmhurst Hospital physician strike

      Kevin Pho, MD | KevinMD
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • Emulating Michael Jordan’s winning mindset: a path to success for health care professionals and entrepreneurs

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • How electronic health records preserve patients’ legacies in the words of oncologists

      Marc Braunstein, MD, PhD | Physician
    • Unmasking the brutal reality of gun violence in America: a call to action for unity and meaningful change

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The growing threat to transgender health care: implications for patients, providers, and trainees

      Carson Hartlage | Policy
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Uncovering the truth about racial health inequities in America: a book review

      John Paul Mikhaiel, MD | Policy
    • Why electronic health records are failing patients: the dark side of copy and paste [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • The surprising medical mystery of a “good” Hitler: How a rescued kitten revealed a rare movement disorder

      Teresella Gondolo, MD | Conditions
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • 'Medically Relevant to Saving the Life of Your Patient': What We Heard This Week
  • Want to Solve the Nurse Shortage?
  • Why Are Female Doctors Sued Nearly Half as Often as Male Doctors?
  • What Drug Did FDA Just Approve for COVID?
  • PET Scan for Alzheimer's Dx; Predicting Colon Cancer Survival

Meeting Coverage

  • No Access to Routine Healthcare Biggest Barrier to HPV Vaccination
  • Trial Results Spark Talk of Curing More Metastatic Cervical Cancers
  • Cross-Border Collaboration Improves Survival in Pediatric Leukemia Patients
  • Monoclonal Antibody Reduced Need For Transfusions in Low-Risk MDS
  • Less-Invasive Surgery for Pancreatic Cancer Proves Safe, Effective
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • Unmasking wage disparity in health care: the truth behind the Elmhurst Hospital physician strike

      Kevin Pho, MD | KevinMD
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • Emulating Michael Jordan’s winning mindset: a path to success for health care professionals and entrepreneurs

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • How electronic health records preserve patients’ legacies in the words of oncologists

      Marc Braunstein, MD, PhD | Physician
    • Unmasking the brutal reality of gun violence in America: a call to action for unity and meaningful change

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The growing threat to transgender health care: implications for patients, providers, and trainees

      Carson Hartlage | Policy
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • Uncovering the truth about racial health inequities in America: a book review

      John Paul Mikhaiel, MD | Policy
    • Why electronic health records are failing patients: the dark side of copy and paste [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • The surprising medical mystery of a “good” Hitler: How a rescued kitten revealed a rare movement disorder

      Teresella Gondolo, MD | Conditions
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Why this physician and her husband almost divorced
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...