Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Death: friend, foe, or something else?

Joseph Pawlowski, MD
Physician
February 16, 2021
184 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

The thing I think would surprise people the most is my relationship with death.

I’m a critical care anesthesiologist. It’s an exciting, rewarding field – I tell my medical students and residents that it blends expertise in the human body with mastery over crisis.

I started my career imagining every day in the ICU as another battle between the living and their eternal foe: death.  As the attending intensivist, I’d lead a team to snatch patients out of the swift currents of the River Styx and onto the shores of the Living, while Death screamed his frustration.  As I tuck more years of practice under my belt, I realize my relationship with death is not so easily defined. Yes, I put countless hours in at my patients’ bedsides, railing against Death with medicine and machine to beat back his relentless assault.  But I also have a curious companionship with him.  It’s a companionship that is born of hundreds of solemn meetings together, and the ultimate realization that Death always wins.

In many instances, I’ve wept for patients who were carried away too suddenly, too violently, too expertly by that old bastard. I agonize over the care we gave and wonder if I had only played a little more accurately, to borrow the chess term, we could have saved them.  In other cases, though, I’ve beckoned Death to the bedside – to gently lead away a soul whose battered body was beyond the aid of modern medicine. I see death approaching, hear the bell tolling, and realize the only role I can play is to smooth the way for a peaceful introduction. I don’t delight in Death’s victory, but I do feel relief and a sense of purpose in making that resignation a painless, dignified one.

On the flip side, I have rejoiced with patients and their families when we win. Death skulks away in defeat, and another patient walks out into the sunlight to live a new lifetime. But I’ve also ached when we wage the wrong battles.  Losing battles, that out of fear, or misunderstanding, or denial, or a number of inexpressible reasons we lock ourselves into with inevitable, tragic results.  Death’s bony fingers claw and pull with impossible strength, drawing out a torturous fight that leaves patients dead and families, nurses, physicians, and staff scarred and exhausted. I’ve pleaded with families to let their loved one go, explaining that the fight is surely lost and would leave in its wake ruined finances, relationships, and spirits. More and more often, it seems, “Fight on,” is what we hear, so fight on we must.

I can’t call Death an enemy, and he’s certainly no friend. I’m not willing to consider him a partner, but maybe “associate” gets a little closer?  Like someone you ride with on the bus every day, competing for the best seat, but often just sitting together. I wouldn’t dare shake hands with Death (uh, COVID-19, anyone?), but it’s easy to imagine ourselves bowing respectfully to each other – just before the bell rings and the referee calls, “Fight!”

Joseph Pawlowski is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Joseph Pawlowski

Prev

The truth about Alzheimer's

February 16, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

The pain I feel in primary care is real

February 16, 2021 Kevin 4
…

Tagged as: Critical Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
The truth about Alzheimer's
Next Post >
The pain I feel in primary care is real

Related Posts

  • Is social media a friend or foe of science?

    Michael Joyce, MD
  • I challenge you to discuss death

    Emily S. Hagen
  • My grandfather’s death: What I’ve learned about life

    Munera Ahmed
  • Death and Dvořák

    Daniel Song
  • Medical error is not the third leading cause of death

    Skeptical Scalpel, MD
  • How death is a blessing and a burden

    Fatema Shipchandler

More in Physician

  • Master time management with 7 productivity strategies for optimal results

    Farzana Hoque, MD
  • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

    William Lynes, MD
  • The escalating violence in health care workplaces: a critical problem facing the nation’s health care system

    Harry Severance, MD
  • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

    Howard Smith, MD
  • Why allowing yourself to embrace discomfort is necessary for personal growth

    Jillian Rigert, MD, DMD
  • Unconventional health care, flawed studies, and biases: Navigating the complexities for optimal well-being

    Kara Wada, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Master time management with 7 productivity strategies for optimal results

      Farzana Hoque, MD | Physician
    • Proposed USPSTF guideline update: Advocating for earlier breast cancer screening at age 40

      Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian | Conditions
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Healing trauma and reconnecting: Unmasking the impact of dissociation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why the WHO’s pandemic accord is critical for global health care

      Elizabeth Métraux | Policy

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • What Was Tied to Lower Long COVID Risk?
  • Chemo-Free Approach Works in Subset of Patients With HER2+ Early Breast Cancer
  • Two-Drug Combo Wins for Refractory Gout
  • First-in-Class Sjogren's Drug Passes Mid-Stage Test
  • Pricey Drug Combo Boosts PFS in First-Line Advanced Ovarian Cancer

Meeting Coverage

  • Chemo-Free Approach Works in Subset of Patients With HER2+ Early Breast Cancer
  • Two-Drug Combo Wins for Refractory Gout
  • First-in-Class Sjogren's Drug Passes Mid-Stage Test
  • Pricey Drug Combo Boosts PFS in First-Line Advanced Ovarian Cancer
  • Cardiovascular Risk Models Still Fall Short for Arthritis Patients
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Master time management with 7 productivity strategies for optimal results

      Farzana Hoque, MD | Physician
    • Proposed USPSTF guideline update: Advocating for earlier breast cancer screening at age 40

      Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian | Conditions
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Healing trauma and reconnecting: Unmasking the impact of dissociation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why the WHO’s pandemic accord is critical for global health care

      Elizabeth Métraux | Policy

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Death: friend, foe, or something else?
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...