Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The journey from expectation to agreement

Carla J. Rotering, MD
Physician
February 19, 2020
43 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

We sat in the driveway, my business partner and I, each peering out our opposite windows, each wrapped in the disappointing sense that we had failed one another while the uncaring car simply idled in the background.  “We agreed on this,” my partner said, without turning her face toward me.  “No, you told me how we were going to do this, and I said nothing” was my response as I also turned toward my own window.  Somehow, she thought my silence meant I agreed.  Somehow, I thought my silence would indicate I did not agree.  Just as the view was different for each of us through our opposing windows, we had an entirely different and singular understanding of what we had agreed on. The spoken and unspoken expectations we had of one another had dragged us unwittingly toward this predictable moment of upset and disappointment.

We carry all kinds of expectations into our days – expectations about relationships, performance, quality, purchases, who takes the trash out – nearly anything we encounter in the details of our personal and professional lives.  What makes expectations challenging is that they are unilateral, often unexplored, and are frequently made known in either vague or authoritative ways – or both.  Most people resent expectations, although they may try in earnest to meet them.  On the other hand, most people like to keep agreements that are co-authored – to have the chance to agree to what you can count on from them.

Take a seat in any break room, boardroom, meeting room, or bedroom, and you are sure to hear complaints, the drone of disappointment, and the bitterness of having been let down. You can hear the utter disbelief that the world didn’t come through for you or me (or Bobby McGee) in the way that it was supposed to, the way that it should have – the way that it would have if anyone cared enough!  We might hear something like “he really let me down” or “she should have known better” or “I can’t count on anyone but myself” or, perhaps most poignant “If he really loved me, he’d know without asking.”  When that is the conversation, we are living in the realm of unmet spoken or unspoken expectations.

And when we operate in the realm of expectations – when we engage in our relationships expecting that people will behave the way we want them to, want exactly what we want, understand how we see the world – we set the stage for one of two outcomes.  We will either feel disappointed, or we will feel nothing at all!  If others fail to meet our expectations, we will feel upset and disappointed.  If others actually meet our expectations, we may not feel any excitement at all because that is simply, without celebration, what we expected.  It is, at the finish, the very least they can do!

Disappointment can sink you like a stone, and yet, with a simple rearrangement in our thinking, disappointment can be significantly minimized if not eliminated.

What if our complaints could be turned into requests?  When we first notice we are disappointed and hosting a complaint, we can choose to ask ourselves if we have a request of that person.  Is there something inside the complaint itself that assists us in recognizing what it is that we want or need to bring about success and dissipate the potential for disappointment?  What if we simply, then, made that request?

Of course, making a request does not assure an agreement will be established.  It does open the possibility of co-authoring a strong, solid agreement that reflects everyone’s voice.  Making a request is bold, and courageous, and an act of integrity.  It is the first step in negotiating an agreement that brings all the invisible barriers and potential to the table.

But what if a request is made, and the answer to the question “can you agree to this” is no?  That’s when we can ask questions that can point us toward agreement:

  • What are you willing to do, if it isn’t this?
  • Here’s what you can count on from me. What can I count on from you?
  • What would you need from me (and/or the organization) to support you in an agreement like this?
  • What do you think we would need to do to make this even better?
  • What might get in the way of us keeping this agreement with each other?

We can use our imagination and perception to create an authentic agreement that can be honored by everyone because it was formed by everyone.

Before closing the deal, check on the strength of the agreement.  People may mumble that they agree when, in fact, there is still something standing in the way of their being “all in.”  If the phrase “I’ll try” shows up anywhere in the conversation, there is no real agreement.  Trying suggests that there is doubt, disagreement with the overall direction, and a remnant of unwillingness that puts the agreement at risk of being broken.

Of course, there are still times when even an agreement that seems strong is broken.  This is the time to review the agreement in slow motion:

  • What was the actual response to the request?
  • What exactly did they say they were going to do? Was it the same thing you were asking for?
  • Was it a strong agreement with specifics?
  • Is there something that was a little loose and left hanging?

Expectations are hard on the human heart and mind and allow us to shift blame to anyone else but ourselves.  Agreements offer us the opportunity to co-author the path by which we move life along in more effective and generous ways and enhance our self-esteem by the simple act of taking personal responsibility for our yes’s and no’s.   Agreements tap into the creative process, honor the relationships we have at work and at home, rescue us from the disappointment of failed expectations, and save the time often spent in places like an idling car on a gray winter day staring out the window wondering what went wrong.

Carla J. Rotering is a pulmonary and critical care physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

In honor of Black History Month: Thank you to all the doctors breaking boundaries

February 19, 2020 Kevin 0
…
Next

5 disruptive trends transforming health care

February 19, 2020 Kevin 4
…

Tagged as: Practice Management

Post navigation

< Previous Post
In honor of Black History Month: Thank you to all the doctors breaking boundaries
Next Post >
5 disruptive trends transforming health care

More by Carla J. Rotering, MD

  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    Doctor bashing has become a national sport: How to stop it

    Carla J. Rotering, MD
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    Why physicians should welcome patient complaints

    Carla J. Rotering, MD
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    The less effectively we communicate, the more likely we are to be sued

    Carla J. Rotering, MD

Related Posts

  • From physician to holistic healer: my journey on Clubhouse

    Holly MacKenna, MD
  • A young mother’s medical school journey

    Choryon Park
  • My healer, please guide me on this journey

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • Physician Suicide Awareness Day: Where are the patients? 

    Jennifer M. Sweeney
  • A patient’s frustrating prior authorization journey

    Leslie G. Bank, PT

More in Physician

  • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

    Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH
  • The erosion of patient care

    Laura de la Torre, MD
  • Navigating adulthood in the digital age

    Eleanor Menzin, MD
  • The power of business knowledge for medical professionals

    Curtis G. Graham, MD
  • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

    Sarah Samaan, MD
  • Lively communication in the service industry

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Pediatricians grapple with guns in America, from Band-Aids to bullets

      Tasia Isbell, MD, MPH | Policy
    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
    • Doctors and disability insurance: Protecting your income

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • Emergency care nightmare: the urgent need for experienced nurses

      Rachel Basham, RN, CCRN | Conditions
    • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Understanding intersex health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Mydriasis-Reversing Eye Drops Win FDA Approval
  • States Face Challenges With Medicaid and CHIP 'Redeterminations'
  • Spine Surgery Cover-Up? Legal Threats Chill Misinfo Research; The Longevity Industry
  • Upcoming Studies on Dupilumab for Alopecia Areata
  • Early Win for PTSD Drug; FDA OKs AI Sleep Diagnostic; Extreme Social Isolation Tool

Meeting Coverage

  • New Schizophrenia Treatments Are Coming: Don't Panic
  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • AI Has an Image Problem in Healthcare, Expert Says
  • Want Better Health Outcomes? Check Out What Other Countries Do
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Pediatricians grapple with guns in America, from Band-Aids to bullets

      Tasia Isbell, MD, MPH | Policy
    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • COVID-19 unleashed an ongoing crisis of delirium in hospitals

      Christina Reppas-Rindlisbacher, MD, Nathan Stall, MD, and Paula Rochon, MD | Conditions
    • Doctors and disability insurance: Protecting your income

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • Emergency care nightmare: the urgent need for experienced nurses

      Rachel Basham, RN, CCRN | Conditions
    • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

      Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Understanding intersex health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...