Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I want to learn how to love medicine

Trisha K. Paul, MD
Physician
September 7, 2018
14 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

“Tell me something you love.”

I love warm chocolate chip cookies — straight out of the oven.

“Thank you. Tell me something you love.”

I love to read, to write, to dance. I don’t know yet if I love medicine.

We were gathered in a ballroom, a group of doctors and dancers, to explore the art of medicine through movement. I sat cross-legged, looking into the eyes of a person I did not know, struggling to remember what to say after “I love …” It had become all too easy to think about the things that I did not love. Only recently did I first think to myself that I hated the person medicine had made me become. So with each answer, I tried to reorient my brain, to move away from what I did not love and towards a love of feeling, of experiencing, of existing.

I had no way of anticipating the demands of medical education. Although I found caring for patients to be infinitely gratifying, I couldn’t overlook my fear that what it took to become a doctor would preclude me from becoming the physician I wanted to be.

It started with the realization that medical education is based on a premise of performance, or what sometimes felt like deceit to me. I began to understand the importance of feigning confidence that I lacked in new skills, for the sake of gaining procedural experience.

“A hospital is not a hotel,” I was told by those senior to me. Although I didn’t think I would ever get used to waking people up in the wee hours of the morning, I adapted. That I didn’t think to question the value of this practice until months later stunned me.

On rounds, we talked about patients outside of their rooms, often saying things we would never dare say inside. A large group of us strangers would gather around a patient naked beneath a thin veil of gown and look down at them as they lay in bed, saying things that we knew they did not fully understand and that we did not fully intend for them to understand.

What terrified me about all of this was that so many aspects of medicine which at first seemed unsettling quickly became normal. My disillusionment with medicine was simultaneous with my acceptance of it; this is what disgusted me most.

While I previously couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life other than being a doctor, I knew this was no longer true. I’ve fantasized about being a freelance writer and wondered whether an English PhD would have better satisfied my intellectual curiosities. Or, perhaps, a different role in health care, as a social worker or psychologist, would have enabled me to pay attention to the psychosocial aspects of health about which I care deeply, the ones that always seem of peripheral concern to physicians.

It was surprising to me that the thought of medicine as a mistake even crossed my mind. But this thought helped me notice the ways in which medicine had changed me. In fact, it was liberating — to realize that I don’t have to let myself be changed in these ways.

There are moments in medicine that have made me pause. When I watch physicians crouch down on their knees at bedsides — to truly look their patients in the eye. Or when a handshake requires not merely one but both hands to entirely encase that of a patient’s. When a resident spends his Friday evening playing the piano in the hospital lobby for a dying man and his wife. What I have witnessed in these beautiful moments is sincerity: doctors and patients alike can be vulnerable and authentic with one another. These doctors, acting in these ways, encourage me to find a way to practice medicine as I am.

These beautiful moments stood in stark contrast to the other message conveyed by many doctors. Emotional distance, I was told, was paramount for personal well-being, for self-preservation and self-care, for survival. A physician once shared how he becomes “an empathetic machine” when he walks into patient rooms, how emotionally connecting with his patients is a performance that he can simply turn on and turn off as needed.

That’s not the kind of person that I am. For me, it is not enough to go through the motions. The best way I know to cope with the emotional challenges of clinical medicine is by allowing myself to get close to my patients, to feel alongside them. When all else seems hopeless, supporting my patients in the simplest of ways has proven to be more healing than anything I have offered through modern medicine. A warm blanket, a refreshing glass of water, soft tissues. A gentle presence, an attentive ear, understanding eyes. I give myself fully to my patients, and it makes me feel as though I have something meaningful to offer.

When I offered to walk with my patient one day, she looked up at me and asked, “Can you do that?” “Yes,” I insisted to her and to myself. “Yes, I can.” We walked, she with her walker and me beside her, pulling her IV pole down the confined hallways of the oncology floor as we talked about springtime and her garden of peonies back home.

I once brought red-hot fireball candies to a patient eager to go home, a gentle incentive for him to be patient with our team as we treated his illness. His reputation of leaving against medical advice preceded him and, to be honest, he scared me at first. But I sat down with him while he ate his lunch one day. “That looks good,” I said, gesturing to his fruity drink. I was touched when this tough man generously made an orange-cranberry juice concoction — just like the one he was sipping — to share with me.

Then there was the thank you card with handwritten gratitude that I received a month after I had cared for a patient, which took me by surprise. This patient’s kind gesture assured me that, somehow, I had done right by him. I had moved him just as he had moved me.

I will never forget these moments. But there are times when they become difficult to remember, when I find myself getting caught up in the less-than-beautiful things that happen in medicine, the things that I do not love, the things that make me not love who I am. I want to practice the kind of medicine that I believe in, the kind that motivates me, energizes me and fulfills me. My kind of medicine is not a performance; rather it revolves around my patients as they are, with me as myself. There are aspects of who I am and what I cherish that I refuse to compromise for the sake of medicine. I know now that I do not have to make such a sacrifice.

I want to learn how to love medicine, and, I suspect, I will always be learning.

Trisha K. Paul is a pediatric resident and is a contributor to iatrogenesis: Essays on Becoming a Physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

What can physicians do to combat confirmation bias?

September 6, 2018 Kevin 1
…
Next

A tale of two opioid addicts

September 7, 2018 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Hospital-Based Medicine, Medical school

Post navigation

< Previous Post
What can physicians do to combat confirmation bias?
Next Post >
A tale of two opioid addicts

More by Trisha K. Paul, MD

  • Moonlight, medicine, and clarity

    Trisha K. Paul, MD
  • Discovering resolve: a trainee’s thoughts on advocacy and the crisis at the border

    Trisha K. Paul, MD
  • Humanism in medicine: How much goes unnoticed?

    Trisha K. Paul, MD

Related Posts

  • What medicine can learn from a poem

    Thomas L. Amburn
  • How to rekindle your love of medicine

    Christina Shenvi, MD, PhD
  • Love something other than medicine? It’s OK.

    Mary Barber
  • Residents need to learn medicine, not how to pass a test

    Eric W. Toth, DO
  • How social media can advance humanism in medicine

    Pooja Lakshmin, MD
  • The difference between learning medicine and doing medicine

    Steven Zhang, MD

More in Physician

  • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

    Jeffrey A. Singer, MD
  • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

    Ton La, Jr., MD, JD
  • How can there be joy in medicine if there is no joy in Mudville?

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

    Cindy Rubin, MD
  • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

    Elizabeth Cerceo, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How chronic illness and disability are portrayed in media and the importance of daily choices for improved quality of life

      Juliet Morgan and Meghan Jobson | Physician
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • Emulating Michael Jordan’s winning mindset: a path to success for health care professionals and entrepreneurs

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The growing threat to transgender health care: implications for patients, providers, and trainees

      Carson Hartlage | Policy
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Physician
    • From skydiving to saving lives: a surgeon’s journey on adversity, passion, and perseverance [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How can there be joy in medicine if there is no joy in Mudville?

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • COVID Outbreak at CDC Meeting Grows; 14 Cancer Drugs in Shortage; Human Organ Sales
  • 'Medically Relevant to Saving the Life of Your Patient': What We Heard This Week
  • Want to Solve the Nurse Shortage?
  • Why Are Female Doctors Sued Far Less Often Than Male Doctors?
  • What Drug Did FDA Just Approve for COVID?

Meeting Coverage

  • No Access to Routine Healthcare Biggest Barrier to HPV Vaccination
  • Trial Results Spark Talk of Curing More Metastatic Cervical Cancers
  • Cross-Border Collaboration Improves Survival in Pediatric Leukemia Patients
  • Monoclonal Antibody Reduced Need For Transfusions in Low-Risk MDS
  • Less-Invasive Surgery for Pancreatic Cancer Proves Safe, Effective
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • How chronic illness and disability are portrayed in media and the importance of daily choices for improved quality of life

      Juliet Morgan and Meghan Jobson | Physician
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • Emulating Michael Jordan’s winning mindset: a path to success for health care professionals and entrepreneurs

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The growing threat to transgender health care: implications for patients, providers, and trainees

      Carson Hartlage | Policy
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Physician
    • From skydiving to saving lives: a surgeon’s journey on adversity, passion, and perseverance [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How can there be joy in medicine if there is no joy in Mudville?

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

I want to learn how to love medicine
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...