Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Why we decided to “throw away our promising careers” and work part-time

Warren Holleman, PhD and Marsha C. Holleman, MD, MPH
Physician
October 15, 2016
6K Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

After the birth of our second child, the two of us waved a white flag and started working part-time. We surrendered the notion that we could maintain two full-time health careers and still be effective parents and loving spouses. Not to mention sane and happy human beings.

It wasn’t supposed to be that way. Doors were opening to professional women, to two-career marriages, and to flexible work arrangements. Ours was the generation that eagerly embraced that in-your-face motto: “Who says you can’t have it all?” And that was our game plan. But, late in the first quarter, we discovered we simply didn’t have the time or energy to do it all, full-time, all the time.

It was hard to admit. But not as hard as working all day, rushing home to cook dinner, take care of the children, and put them to bed, then squeezing in more work before crashing into bed ourselves. And, even then, not getting the blessed, uninterrupted sleep we craved, but waking throughout the night to answer calls from work and cries from the kids. Only to rise early the next day to repeat the cycle. Again. And again. All the while feeling lonely in our marriage, guilty as parents for short-changing our children, and utterly and completely exhausted.

Something had to give, so we decided that, over the next two decades, one of us would work part-time. We also decided that, to be fair, we would share the “burden” and the “sacrifice” equally.

We use the terms “burden” and “sacrifice” because that’s what it felt like at the time. We were  fully engaged in our careers and, frankly, were shocked to discover that parenting demanded so much of our time and energy. We had naively assumed that children would fit conveniently in the cracks and crevices of our time. Instead, they competed for our time and our energy, and they threatened our sacrosanct careers. They got hungry, became sick, and woke up at the most inconvenient times. Didn’t they realize we were climbing the ladder of career success, and we couldn’t come down to kiss every hurt finger or hug every hurt feeling?

To our surprise, it turned out not to be a burden or sacrifice at all. In a very short time, the two of us were fighting, and it wasn’t over who “had” to work part-time and stay at home with the children. Rather, it was over who “got” to work part-time and stay home with the children. It turned out that our children were as interesting, engaging, and challenging as our careers. With the extra benefit that, most of the time, they loved us back. Careers don’t always do that.

We learned that parenting wasn’t a burden or sacrifice, but a gift that enriched our lives a thousand different ways. Our kids turned out to be more interesting and amazing than our jobs. They were the stuff of life itself. Yes, our jobs could be interesting and amazing, too. But sometimes they were just jobs.

We also learned, to our surprise, that parenting enriched not only our lives but also our careers. True, it required that we devote fewer hours to our professions. But the time we did spend at work was more productive and more enjoyable because we weren’t so tired, stressed, and distracted. And the quality of our work improved because our children gave us a better understanding of what life was all about: work and play, health and happiness, families and friends, citizenship and service. Parenting also helped us develop a number of very practical career skills such as emotional intelligence, social intelligence, communication, and conflict resolution. Not to mention essential values and virtues such as tolerance, patience, sacrifice, sharing, kindness, forgiveness, tenderness, and love.

Over the years we’ve been reluctant to share our story with colleagues because it’s a subject that almost always takes the air out of the room. Everything goes quiet, but we know what they’re thinking. That we wasted all that education and all those years of training. That we threw away promising careers. That we weren’t tough enough, or didn’t have The Right Stuff. That one of us betrayed the feminist movement, and the other was an unindicted co-conspirator. And that we gave up all that potential income.

Sometimes we wonder if our story also stirs up feelings of pain, grief, and remorse as they realize we are right in at least one respect: You cannot have it all. To use a domestic metaphor … Life gives you a 10-inch pie and, no matter how hard you try, you can’t will into existence a bigger pie or a second pie. You can only slice that pie so many ways: if you cut a bigger slice for one thing, that means a smaller slice for another. In other words, there are inflexible limits to what we can do, and hard choices we have to make.

Never for a moment would we presume to tell others what to do. All we can say is: Make those hard choices based on your values and priorities. Not on the expectations of your boss and your colleagues, and not on the culture and customs of your friends and family. Then, when you’re living out those values and priorities, you’ll be sane and happy. And when you’re old, you’ll have no regrets.

Warren Holleman is on the editorial staff, Pulse — voices from the heart of medicine. He blogs at Work Well.  Be Well. Marsha C. Holleman is family physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

The joys of coming to work 1 hour later

October 15, 2016 Kevin 0
…
Next

Physicians must prevent domestic violence at all costs

October 15, 2016 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Primary Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
The joys of coming to work 1 hour later
Next Post >
Physicians must prevent domestic violence at all costs

More by Warren Holleman, PhD and Marsha C. Holleman, MD, MPH

  • Tips for physicians thinking about working part-time

    Warren Holleman, PhD and Marsha C. Holleman, MD, MPH

Related Posts

  • Doctors: It’s time to unionize

    Thomas D. Guastavino, MD
  • Finding happiness in the time of COVID

    Anonymous
  • A medical student’s reflection on time, the scarcest resource

    Natasha Abadilla
  • It’s time to ban productivity from medicine

    Robert Centor, MD
  • It is time to make the unvaccinated pay their fair share

    Hayward Zwerling, MD
  • It’s time for physicians to be less “productive”

    Anonymous

More in Physician

  • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

    Jeffrey A. Singer, MD
  • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

    Ton La, Jr., MD, JD
  • How can there be joy in medicine if there is no joy in Mudville?

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

    Cindy Rubin, MD
  • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

    Elizabeth Cerceo, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • How chronic illness and disability are portrayed in media and the importance of daily choices for improved quality of life

      Juliet Morgan and Meghan Jobson | Physician
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • The unjust reality of racial disparities in pediatric kidney transplants

      Lien Morcate | Conditions
    • The pros and cons of taking a gap year during medical school

      Med School Insiders | Education, Sponsored
    • A family physician’s journey on the OIG list and the struggle to return to practice [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 10 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Catching the Optimal Amount of Z's May Be Protective Against Long COVID
  • Treating Early Hospitalization Blood Pressure Deemed a No-No for Patient Safety
  • Addressing Burnout in an Invisible Part of the Health Workforce
  • Family-Oriented Sedation Protocol Helps Kids With ASD Manage Routine Healthcare
  • Bariatric Surgery in Kids With Obesity Becoming More Common

Meeting Coverage

  • New Model Aims to Study Intestinal Fibrosis in Crohn's Disease
  • Hypertension Tied to Worse Survival After Surgery for Upper Tract Urothelial Cancers
  • The Role of Amyloid PET in the Management of Alzheimer's Disease
  • New Inflammation Inhibitor Proves Effective and Safe for Dry Eye Disease
  • No Access to Routine Healthcare Biggest Barrier to HPV Vaccination
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A patient’s perspective on the diminishing relationship between doctors and patients

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • How chronic illness and disability are portrayed in media and the importance of daily choices for improved quality of life

      Juliet Morgan and Meghan Jobson | Physician
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • The unjust reality of racial disparities in pediatric kidney transplants

      Lien Morcate | Conditions
    • The pros and cons of taking a gap year during medical school

      Med School Insiders | Education, Sponsored
    • A family physician’s journey on the OIG list and the struggle to return to practice [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • The meaning of death in medicine: the role of compassionate care in end-of-life patient care

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Why we decided to “throw away our promising careers” and work part-time
10 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...