Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Why perfect parenting is a myth and how choosing love over judgment can save your teen’s future

Candace Engelhardt, MD
Physician
May 17, 2023
861 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

As a new parent you look at your baby with a bright full future ahead of them. So much potential there swaddled in your arms. You look at parents of troubled teenagers and secretly look down on them; your perfect baby will never do anything like that. They must be poor parents. Too easy on their teenager. Not enough structure in the house, no rules or oversight. There is no way you will have a teenager like that in your house.

I’m a pediatrician. Literally an expert on children. I’ve also read many, many books about parenting. I counsel parents on the regular about issues with their children’s behavior, with their teen’s behavior. I once also had a perfect baby who was going to grow up to do wonderful and amazing things. There is no way I would have a troubled teen; I’m an expert on parenting! Unfortunately, that is not how this story has been unfolding for us.

My perfect baby grew up into a wonderful kid who then became a very challenging teenager. The list of things he has done is long, things I never thought I would be dealing with in my own home. With each new “thing” that he does, my shame about my parenting grows. This is what no one tells you, the shame you feel as your own child makes poor choices. Being a mother to a teenager is so completely isolating. You have friends with young children looking at you and judging your parenting. Why is your teenager so out of control? Why don’t you discipline them more, give them more consequences? Why are you so inadequate as a parent? And then you have friends with no kids who literally have no idea, but think you are just a poor parent. If you are lucky, you have a few friends who have teenagers who are just as deep in it as you are, but each of you is just trying to make it day to day. So you sit alone with your shame, trying to not let your teenager think you are ashamed of them. Because you aren’t ashamed of them. They are trying to figure things out as well.

Let me tell you, we are not easy parents on him. We are not a house without rules or structure. But the more we dolled out consequences, the further away he pulled from us. Our relationship was breaking, maybe even all the way broken for a time. This is what people on the outside don’t understand; at some point, you have to choose between loving your teenager where they are at or forcing them to fit into your expectations, forever ruining your relationship. At our house we chose love. We chose to love him even when he didn’t meet our expectations. We chose to love our precious baby that has grown up and will eventually leave our home, hopefully knowing that no matter what trouble he finds himself in, he has parents he can rely on. And maybe, our loving him will help him love himself as well.

The next time you have a friend come to you with stories about their teenager, pause before judging. More than likely, they have judged themselves already and are full of shame. What they really need is a listening ear and some empathy. None of us are the perfect parents, including this pediatrician. None of our kids are the perfect kids. Parents do not need more shame and judgment and our kids need more of our love.

Candace Engelhardt is a pediatrician.

Prev

Behind the erosion of patient-physician relationship and how organized medicine can save it [PODCAST]

May 16, 2023 Kevin 1
…
Next

Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

May 17, 2023 Kevin 4
…

Tagged as: Pediatrics

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Behind the erosion of patient-physician relationship and how organized medicine can save it [PODCAST]
Next Post >
Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

Related Posts

  • From AI to love: the key to a better future in medical education

    Stevan Walkowski, DO
  • Mentors, thank you for parenting me

    Micaela Stevenson
  • A love-hate relationship with the resume-guided voice

    Lauren Joseph
  • Objective measures aren’t perfect at predicting real-life clinical ability

    Scott Hippe, MD
  • Physicians choose love, science, and healing

    Kellie Lease Stecher, MD
  • Start with the students: Addressing the future of physician suicide

    Anonymous

More in Physician

  • Why allowing yourself to embrace discomfort is necessary for personal growth

    Jillian Rigert, MD, DMD
  • Unconventional health care, flawed studies, and biases: Navigating the complexities for optimal well-being

    Kara Wada, MD
  • Finding your ideal work-life balance: tips for prioritizing personal life and achieving professional success

    Zahid Awan, MD
  • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

    Harvey Castro, MD, MBA
  • 7 ways to beat burnout: a guide for health care professionals to reduce stress and reclaim their passion

    Marie Livesey, DO
  • Heartwarming stories of cancer patients teaching us about life and the human spirit

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • A pediatrician’s journey into integrative medicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why allowing yourself to embrace discomfort is necessary for personal growth

      Jillian Rigert, MD, DMD | Physician
    • Unconventional health care, flawed studies, and biases: Navigating the complexities for optimal well-being

      Kara Wada, MD | Physician
    • Urgent innovation needed to address growing mental health crisis among children and families

      Monika Roots, MD | Conditions
    • The importance of listening in health care: a mother’s journey advocating for children with chronic Lyme disease

      Cheryl Lazarus | Conditions
    • Medical errors and the power of apologies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • UnitedHealthcare in the Hot Seat Over GI Procedure 'Advance Notification' Policy
  • Genetic Risk Score Predicts Hypertensive Disorders of Pregnancy
  • FDA Warns on Certain Forms of Compounded Semaglutide
  • Fired COVID Whistleblower Doesn't Want to Settle His Case
  • Video of ACOG Presenter Being Slapped Goes Viral

Meeting Coverage

  • TAR-200 Led to High Complete Response Rates in BCG-Unresponsive Bladder Cancer
  • More Success for CAR T-Cell Therapy in Rheumatic Disease
  • Trial Shows RA Can Be Stopped at Preclinical Stage
  • Tenapanor Improves Abdominal Symptoms in Patients With IBS-C
  • Benefits Found for Hand OA Drug Treatments
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Why affirmative action is crucial for health equity and social justice in medicine

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Policy
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
    • The power of coaching for physicians: transforming thoughts, changing lives

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Why doctors aren’t to blame for the U.S. opioid crisis [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Unlocking the secrets of cancer conferences: an end-of-life counselor’s journey among pharmaceutical giants

      Althea Halchuck, EJD | Conditions
    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Breaking point: the 5 reasons American doctors are dreaming of walking away from medicine

      Amol Shrikhande, MD | Physician
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
  • Recent Posts

    • A pediatrician’s journey into integrative medicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Why allowing yourself to embrace discomfort is necessary for personal growth

      Jillian Rigert, MD, DMD | Physician
    • Unconventional health care, flawed studies, and biases: Navigating the complexities for optimal well-being

      Kara Wada, MD | Physician
    • Urgent innovation needed to address growing mental health crisis among children and families

      Monika Roots, MD | Conditions
    • The importance of listening in health care: a mother’s journey advocating for children with chronic Lyme disease

      Cheryl Lazarus | Conditions
    • Medical errors and the power of apologies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Why perfect parenting is a myth and how choosing love over judgment can save your teen’s future
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...