Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The mistress of medicine

Susan Hart Gaines
Physician
December 14, 2022
30 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

When I married my husband, I had no idea there would be a mistress one day.

When I met the man who would become my husband, he was not yet a doctor. He was 22, a black belt, a waiter in a fancy restaurant, and very handsome. He knew all kinds of things about champagne and paté, cocktails, and sushi.

We met in our college martial arts club. I was 19 and on fire with a newfound power to use my body to make fierce poetry with my hands and feet. He was drawn to that.

I was smitten with his kicks, his cool mix of fighting skills, and his culinary sophistication.

He was a bit of a bad boy with great potential. He was still on the cusp of choosing a direction for his life, wavering between culinary school and medical school.

I told myself I didn’t care what he did as long as he was happy.

But looking back, I had secretly hoped he’d pick medicine — and that medicine would pick him.

Why I don’t exactly know. There were no doctors in my family. I had no idea what it would actually mean to be married to one.

I guess I was drawn, as much as he, to the image of doctors. The hero. The savior. The one everyone would bestow prestige and respect upon. The one everyone would be happy to see. The special one.

I wanted a career of equal prestige and power. Maybe a lawyer or a psychologist, or a writer. Before “power couple” was a phrase, that’s what I wanted for us.

But I knew then there was really no one worthy of more admiration and respect than doctors. At the end of the day, his pursuit of medicine would be our future family’s ticket to good schools, neighborhoods, and any resources we would ever need — especially the best medical care.

This part did turn out to be true.

He would sit in my apartment, studying for the MCAT, while I baked chocolate chip cookies or read books, sighing at the beautiful words, dreaming that one day I might write books as beautiful myself.

Soon after he matched, we decided to get married. He finished his first year of medical school while I finished my undergraduate degree. Two weeks after I graduated from college and another two after our wedding, we drove across the country, leaving my tearful parents in Northern California.

We wrote thank you letters while camping in Banff, driving in our little B52 pickup truck to Chicago for our honeymoon.

Soon after we arrived in Chicago, he plunged back into medical school. It took me a while to find a job as I was well educated but prepared for nothing except “critical thinking.” Potential employers were not impressed with the skill.

I’d sit waiting for him in our South Side apartment, past dark, reading Falkner or something to make me feel smart while the scent of other people’s dinners floated in from the hallway.

When he finally returned home, smelling of formaldehyde, I would glom onto him and pepper him with questions about the body he was dissecting.

How did it feel to be with a dead body? I asked. What was that like?

His answers were decidedly flat. He was tired, and either had no desire or simply didn’t know how to bring me into his life.

It was the first time I’d felt intense loneliness. My bones hurt with the longing to belong to something — school or a profession, our marriage.

No matter how much he showered, he couldn’t completely get rid of the smell of formaldehyde.

This was the beginning of his affair with medicine.

This was when I first learned about his mistress, Medicine.

Medicine is so much more than a profession. You don’t just take a job, you take a vow. If you’re already married, this is a problem.

While I learned, as other doctor’s wives warned me, to put his profession before all else, it was an intensely lonely life. Both for him and for me.

We did our very best, but in the end, our marriage could not survive the presence of the mistress of medicine.

There were other things, too, that broke down our marriage. But from the beginning, medicine weakened our chances, encouraging him to turn off his feelings and shut down to survive.

And we were so very young.

Each night, he returned tight-lipped, with the scent of another on him. Medicine stole his attention and made me yearn for the man I’d met, who was a waiter in a fancy restaurant.

I know there have been many times, too, when he wondered what his life would have been like had he chosen culinary school. And more than once, I know he yearned to have the kind of job you could leave at the end of the day.

But in the end, this is what he was made for. He is damn good at it, the best of him going to his patients every day.

Now, the question is, what will he do next? What will happen when his marriage to medicine ends, which it inevitably will?

Susan Hart Gaines is an executive coach.

Prev

The solution to a crumbling primary care foundation is direct primary care

December 14, 2022 Kevin 6
…
Next

Sweet bitter: a doctor's cancer diagnosis

December 14, 2022 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: Medical school, Residency

Post navigation

< Previous Post
The solution to a crumbling primary care foundation is direct primary care
Next Post >
Sweet bitter: a doctor's cancer diagnosis

More by Susan Hart Gaines

  • Physicians are masterful at hiding. It’s part of the training.

    Susan Hart Gaines
  • What happens when you can’t fix it? Tales from the home front.

    Susan Hart Gaines
  • The difficulty in coming home: What doctors and soldiers have in common

    Susan Hart Gaines

Related Posts

  • The middle school of medicine: a reflection on the first year of medical school

    Alexis Christine Bailey
  • End medical school grades

    Adam Lieber
  • Why medical students should not let medicine define them

    King Pascual
  • Moral injury in medical school

    Anonymous
  • Just as medicine is rooted in relationships, so too is good advising

    Ricky Anjorin, MPH
  • Why medical writing is essential to medicine

    Steven Zhang, MD

More in Physician

  • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

    Anonymous
  • From journalism to medicine: Unveiling the untold stories of patients’ medical conditions

    Veronica Bonales, MD
  • A mentor’s legacy in medicine, leadership, and embracing evidence-based care

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • Breaking free from restrictive covenants to combat burnout

    Raya E. Kheirbek, MD
  • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

    Jennifer Lycette, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Unlock financial freedom: The physician’s guide to lucrative multifamily syndications and wealth accumulation

      Pranay Parikh, MD | Finance
    • From Moscow Mule to the opioid crisis: Unveiling the tragic legacy and urgent solutions

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Meds
    • From journalism to medicine: Unveiling the untold stories of patients’ medical conditions

      Veronica Bonales, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming the lies of depression: Senator John Fetterman’s struggle with mental health

      Harvey Max Chochinov, MD, PhD | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Superior Cognition in the Oldest-Old; Novel MS Pathway; What Links Amyloid and Tau?
  • Phase II Study: Bispecific Oral Drug Tops Leading JAK Inhibitor for RA
  • New Nonhormonal Hot Flash Recs; Global Plastics Treaty; SGLT2 & Lower Cancer Risk?
  • Leaky Impellas Recalled; Andexanet Alfa's Brain Bleed Win; Estrogen Pills & High BP
  • Schools Aren't Prepared to Treat Asthma Attacks

Meeting Coverage

  • Phase II Study: Bispecific Oral Drug Tops Leading JAK Inhibitor for RA
  • Closing the Diversity Gaps in Urologic Oncology Leadership
  • Certain NSCLC Patients May Be Able to Stop Immunotherapy at 2 Years
  • No Survival Benefit With Immune Checkpoint Inhibitor Rechallenge in Metastatic RCC
  • Happy Sleep, Happy Couple?
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Unlock financial freedom: The physician’s guide to lucrative multifamily syndications and wealth accumulation

      Pranay Parikh, MD | Finance
    • From Moscow Mule to the opioid crisis: Unveiling the tragic legacy and urgent solutions

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Meds
    • From journalism to medicine: Unveiling the untold stories of patients’ medical conditions

      Veronica Bonales, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming the lies of depression: Senator John Fetterman’s struggle with mental health

      Harvey Max Chochinov, MD, PhD | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

The mistress of medicine
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...