Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I lost my father during the global pandemic

Kelly Lisciandro, DO
Physician
January 21, 2021
144 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that my father wasn’t dead.

It was jumbled in so many ways. But I was able to talk to him in my “sleep.”

I watched This is Us before bed. The episode where Randall questions whether William lied to him about his mother’s death. William saw her die, but she was revived after he ran away with Randall. Somehow, that made my mind wander in my sleep. Questioning if Kim had lied to me about Dad’s death.

I was so excited when I found out he was still alive. I was confused. I knew he had died. I was with him. I gave him morphine that night, as he struggled. The morphine that ultimately led to his cardiopulmonary arrest. We stood by him. We told him it was okay to go. We told him we loved him.

In my dream, there were very odd circumstances. I questioned my twin. How was he still alive? Her home, me being here but there, and our clothes closet from growing up. I was on the phone with her, but I was there. I was throwing her clothes out of the closet and looking for my clothes to take away from her. She didn’t deserve them. She had betrayed me.

That is how we used to fight. Me and my twin. We shared a room. Pink and green stripes on the wallpaper. Our pink and green afghans on our beds that grandma crocheted. Our bunk beds were placed on the floor because we grew out of them. When we argued, we would kick each other out. By emptying closets. Throwing clothes and telling each other that we didn’t want to be together anymore.

Erratic thoughts. Thoughts that put the present, recent past, and distant past all into one. This has been happening to me since the beginning of COVID. I awoke that morning uneasy. Very much like I had so many mornings before.

I told him to make his bed because I was coming to lie next to him so we could talk. Like we did the day he died.

We talked about everyone. His children. His five adult children. We knew that everyone would be OK. He knew. Even me, his daughter, who was struggling with so many personal issues. He knew he could leave. He worried about Joe. He paid for his cremation that day. He and Joe took care of business. The business of his demise.

I don’t remember what I said to him in my dream.

I don’t have my father to talk to. He died on April 20th with his five children at his side. He was a retired pediatrician of 46 years. He died of AML. He converted the week before his death to the most aggressive form. We all knew he was dying and would die fast. Or, at least I did. I had been through it professionally.

I had forbidden all of his children from seeing him the month before he died. We had to protect him from coronavirus. The infection would kill him. The last time I saw him was on March 12, the weekend everything changed. Including my ability to be there with him and for him. The weekend I said goodbye to my nurse of so many years. Her retirement. A really hard time. I said goodbye to him that night as we picked up the food for Sue’s retirement party. In fact, this would be the last time I would see my father up and about. In his Ironman car. Driving and so lucid. If only I had known that that was it.

We all got there on Saturday. He waited until we all arrived to become bed-bound. So amazing, his strength. He knew he was dying, but he still laughed, smiled, and joked with my eldest nephew that day on FaceTime.

He never got out of bed again. It was as if his body, bone marrow, and mind all gave up at once. He needed to know that all of us would be okay. He needed to see our beauty and faces. The faces that had supported him through the hardest 2.5 years of his life. His fight. Against his bone marrow.

His death was grueling. The most influential person in my life left me during the hardest time in my career. I had no father to talk to. He always talked me off the ledge. He was gay. He could never handle a damsel in distress. Even if it was me. My sounding board was gone. He was my person. In a sense, we would dance it out by talking through it.

But, there would be no more dancing.

I have had to endure this pandemic without him. I have had a few sightings. When I needed him the most, he was there. A cardinal. I waited for weeks for him to come. The times he came were so crucial. His presence was so calming.

He would have hated this. God probably took him at the right time for him. We have struggled with his loss. No funeral. No family gathering. We Zoomed with his cousins. We stuck to the rules. And, we stuck to his wishes.

I know that there has been so much loss during this pandemic. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one in 2020. I pray that all of us grieving can find some solace. I found mine in a dream.

He is gone but not forgotten.

Kelly Lisciandro is an internal medicine physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Being a pediatrician in a pandemic

January 21, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

Unmasking inequality: the power of community organization during COVID-19 [PODCAST]

January 21, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: COVID, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Being a pediatrician in a pandemic
Next Post >
Unmasking inequality: the power of community organization during COVID-19 [PODCAST]

More by Kelly Lisciandro, DO

  • COVID: I can see the suffering in your eyes

    Kelly Lisciandro, DO
  • Why do I laugh during a pandemic?

    Kelly Lisciandro, DO
  • Alone in the hospital in the midst of a global pandemic

    Kelly Lisciandro, DO

Related Posts

  • Unethical policy: Resuming federal lethal injections during a global pandemic

    Charles E. Binkley, MD
  • How the COVID-19 pandemic highlights the need for social media training in medical education 

    Oscar Chen, Sera Choi, and Clara Seong
  • Why this physician marched during a pandemic

    Raj Sundar, MD
  • The pandemic has only further strengthened my passion to become a physician

    Karan Patel
  • The power of poetry during a pandemic

    Anna Delamerced
  • The local and global concerns of COVID-19

    Ira Memaj, MPH and Robert Fullilove, EdD

More in Physician

  • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

    Kim Downey, PT
  • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

    Randall S. Fong, MD
  • The shifting landscape of gastroenterology manpower and compensation

    Brian Hudes, MD
  • Surgical procedures for inpatients: Addressing socioeconomic urgencies

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

    Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD
  • A message of hope for physicians

    Kim Downey, PT
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Motorcycle helmet laws: Balancing freedom and financial impact

      Stephen Cohn, MD | Conditions
    • Balancing efficiency and compassion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The link between orofacial myofunctional disorders and dental health

      Stephanie Jeret | Conditions
    • How compassionate leadership saved this physician [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Navigating the broken medical system: challenges faced by foreign medical graduates

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • The essence of medicine: genuine connections in practice

      Jennifer Tillman, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Balancing efficiency and compassion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Why patients write: stress relief, self-care, and sharing experiences

      R. Lynn Barnett | Conditions
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • Misinformed claims and the offensiveness of discrediting COVID-19 vaccine development

      Angel Garcia Otano, MD | Conditions
    • Bitcoin’s role in diversified portfolios [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Did Gabapentin Improve Post-COVID Olfaction?
  • Fentanyl Death Trends; Food Additives and Heart Disease
  • What If the Doctor Is Out?
  • Reduced Mortality Seen in Cancer Survivors Who Meet Exercise Guidelines
  • CDC Advisors Endorse Maternal RSV Vax to Protect Newborns

Meeting Coverage

  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • AI Has an Image Problem in Healthcare, Expert Says
  • Want Better Health Outcomes? Check Out What Other Countries Do
  • ERS Roundup: Cell Transplant Boosts Lung Function in COPD Patients
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Motorcycle helmet laws: Balancing freedom and financial impact

      Stephen Cohn, MD | Conditions
    • Balancing efficiency and compassion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The link between orofacial myofunctional disorders and dental health

      Stephanie Jeret | Conditions
    • How compassionate leadership saved this physician [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Navigating the broken medical system: challenges faced by foreign medical graduates

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • The essence of medicine: genuine connections in practice

      Jennifer Tillman, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Balancing efficiency and compassion [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Why patients write: stress relief, self-care, and sharing experiences

      R. Lynn Barnett | Conditions
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • Misinformed claims and the offensiveness of discrediting COVID-19 vaccine development

      Angel Garcia Otano, MD | Conditions
    • Bitcoin’s role in diversified portfolios [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...