Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I keep going because I miss them. And I miss me.

Nicole M. King, MD
Physician
January 26, 2021
679 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

I have written a lot about how COVID has changed me. Changed medicine. Changed America.  I have written about it as a pivot point.  A way to build a better medical infrastructure.  I have alluded to how we can use innovation, advocacy, and listening to turn 2020 into an opportunity for change.  How we can use it as a way to finally admit that health disparities exist, Black Lives Matter, and that, in fact, Black Births Matter.  It’s now.  Or it’s never.  Because if we can’t see the way forward after consistently looking back until we ran into ourselves in 2020, then what exactly is it that we are waiting for?

But I have to admit that as we entered 2021 with more than 400,000 COVID deaths behind us, variant strains threatening to outpace our misexecuted and mismanaged vaccination roll-out, and an insurrection that caused this veteran to lose her faith in the country she once swore to support and defend, I was despondent.

I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel everyone kept referring to.  I couldn’t see the hope they saw in the beauty of the inauguration.  I couldn’t see past the next COVID death and grief-stricken family member.  I couldn’t get past 2020.  But I could not figure out why I couldn’t.

And then I realized it. I miss them.

“Them” being:

My patients making recoveries.

Their families standing close, holding my hand, hugging me, touching my shoulder as I talk to them about their critically ill loved one.

My colleagues who I can see outside the confines of the hospital.  With a drink or two to help soften the edges of our work.

My husband who raises our babies and works from home, alone in a house for 10 months.

My family.  The family that raised me.  The family that made me.  Blood or not.

Me.

As a professional woman who most identifies as a physician more than any other title, I know that I run the risk of losing myself to this disease.  I am not ignorant to the risk.  I understand that my identity is supposed to be separate from my achievements and that my babies are supposed to make me value something greater than my career.  But my oath runs through me in a way that I can only describe as visceral.  And for this reason, the pain is that much worse.  Because as much as I miss them.  And as much as I miss me.  I can’t not keep going.  Because they deserve the best we have to offer.  And those of us who have stood here on the front lines for over 10 months know more than anyone else, that if we don’t do it, then who will?

So I drag the lessons I learned in 2020 into 2021, and I balm the wounds of “missing” with the act of doing.  The act of trying to heal.  The act of caring.  The act of looking in a family member’s eyes and telling them that I know the pain of this disease.  The viciousness of it.  The horror of it.  I know that you will miss them.  And I will miss them too because I could not save them yet again.  But I will keep showing up.  I will keep trying.  I will keep loving them and loving you because by loving you, I can ease the pain of missing them.

Nicole M. King is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

A medical student’s story of racism and bias [PODCAST]

January 25, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

Is my headache coming from my soul?

January 26, 2021 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: COVID, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
A medical student’s story of racism and bias [PODCAST]
Next Post >
Is my headache coming from my soul?

More by Nicole M. King, MD

  • On the front lines of COVID-19: the untold sacrifices and heroic efforts of health care professionals

    Nicole M. King, MD
  • The surgeon-anesthesiologist relationship: Learning to work together in the OR

    Nicole M. King, MD
  • Working in medicine isn’t an all-or-nothing situation

    Nicole M. King, MD

Related Posts

  • Physician Suicide Awareness Day: Where are the patients? 

    Jennifer M. Sweeney
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How COVID-19 will close pediatric practices

    Nidhi Kukreja, MD
  • This physician is burned out. But not for the reason you think.

    Anonymous
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Can the Maternal CARE Act fail moms? 

    Sonal Patel, MD

More in Physician

  • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

    Sarah Samaan, MD
  • Lively communication in the service industry

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

    Kim Downey, PT
  • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

    Randall S. Fong, MD
  • The shifting landscape of gastroenterology manpower and compensation

    Brian Hudes, MD
  • Surgical procedures for inpatients: Addressing socioeconomic urgencies

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • Ketamine for mental health conditions: What every primary care physician needs to know

      Carlene MacMillan, MD & L. Alison McInnes, MD | Meds
    • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

      Sarah Samaan, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • 1 in 4 attempt suicide: the persecution of autistic physicians

      Patricia Celan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

      Sarah Samaan, MD | Physician
    • Levamisole is good for your dog, but bad for your cocaine

      Robert Killeen, MD | Meds
    • Physician autonomy and patient interactions in corporate health care

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • PSA screening: What you need to know [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Vague criteria can lead to misdiagnosis and prison

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • U.S. maternal mortality crisis: a deep dive

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Compassion Is a Learnable Skill
  • When a Video Visit Leads to Real Connection
  • Smaller Lesions, Better Baseline Visual Acuity Bode Well for Submacular Hemorrhage
  • COVID Conspiracies Return; Norovirus on the Hiking Trail; 2nd Pig Heart Transplanted
  • 'Not Clear If the Juice Is Worth the Squeeze': What We Heard This Week

Meeting Coverage

  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • AI Has an Image Problem in Healthcare, Expert Says
  • Want Better Health Outcomes? Check Out What Other Countries Do
  • ERS Roundup: Cell Transplant Boosts Lung Function in COPD Patients
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
    • I’m tired of being a distracted doctor

      Shiv Rao, MD | Tech
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • Ketamine for mental health conditions: What every primary care physician needs to know

      Carlene MacMillan, MD & L. Alison McInnes, MD | Meds
    • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

      Sarah Samaan, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • 1 in 4 attempt suicide: the persecution of autistic physicians

      Patricia Celan, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Using the language of art to create work-life balance

      Sarah Samaan, MD | Physician
    • Levamisole is good for your dog, but bad for your cocaine

      Robert Killeen, MD | Meds
    • Physician autonomy and patient interactions in corporate health care

      Michele Luckenbaugh | Conditions
    • PSA screening: What you need to know [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Vague criteria can lead to misdiagnosis and prison

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • U.S. maternal mortality crisis: a deep dive

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...