Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

All I ever wanted to do was to be a surgeon. But I was pushed out.

Anonymous
Physician
April 8, 2020
21 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

When people used to ask me what a typical day entailed for me, I would gladly share the early starts, the long days on my feet in the OR, and on-calls where anything would happen. I would laugh at how I must have a bladder of steel and cry over some of the saddest stories which came through the front door. No matter the stories, though, one thing was a constant, and that was I was unshakably proud to be a surgeon.

I had wanted to be a surgeon since I was just a child. Everything I did in school was only ever done because of my unwavering fascination with the human body. I imagined what it would be like to help someone, to relieve their pain and perhaps even save a life. With that single-mindedness, I made it to medical school and then beyond. I trained day and night to be a surgeon. And even through the long hours and constant study, the sacrifice of my marriage and having a family, that love of my vocation never, ever went away.

I eventually landed my dream job. In a hospital I loved, and with a team that I thought was inspirational. In the OR, I was so at home. I operated as much as I could, cared for my patients, and taught the art of surgery and medicine to everyone I could. I can say without any falsehood that I am a very good surgeon. Despite all this, the edges began to fray, and I started to get the sense that, except I didn’t notice it until it was too late.

When my job came up for review, I found myself very unexpectedly unemployed without so much as a thank you for your decades of work for the good of the community or even an explanation.

Given the suspiciousness of the circumstances, I tried to pursue the case only to be let down by the complaints system. As I dug for information and explanation, the only things that I found were evidence that I simply wasn’t liked enough to have kept my job. I was the victim of discrimination, petty jealousy, and professional politics. And I was too naïve to notice it happening until it was too late.

And so, as a highly trained and skilled surgeon, I found my days instead of being filled with operating and patients, instead filled with long stretches of nothingness.

Of scouring advertisements for jobs, writing any paper that might add even a little to my resume, and just trying to make ends meet. I would give anything to work in the vocation that I love so much, but instead, my once fulfilling days are focused on making ends meet and desperately trying to hang onto my career. As the days roll into months, I am so afraid of seeing everything I worked for slipping away, knowing that the longer I am out of work, the harder it will be to stay current and skilled. The longer I am out of work, the more my personal life falls apart, bit by bit.

All I ever wanted to do was to be a surgeon, but I was pushed out. My career is fading fast, and I cannot help but mourn everything I have lost; my passion, my livelihood, my sacrifices which now seem to have been in vain. All I want to do is to do the very thing I yearned to do in my childhood — in fact, my whole life. And on the surface, it’s being a surgeon, but underneath, I just want to be that person who helps others again.

The author is an anonymous physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Physician deaths in the era of COVID-19: human sacrifice, not heroism

April 7, 2020 Kevin 3
…
Next

A love letter to doctors, from the sidelines of the COVID-19 pandemic

April 8, 2020 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Physician deaths in the era of COVID-19: human sacrifice, not heroism
Next Post >
A love letter to doctors, from the sidelines of the COVID-19 pandemic

More by Anonymous

  • Revolutionizing emergency medicine: Overcoming long-term challenges with innovative solutions for physicians and patients

    Anonymous
  • Breaking the stigma: Encouraging mental health help-seeking in medical trainees

    Anonymous
  • The inherent problems with emergency medicine that make it contradict new values and behaviors

    Anonymous

Related Posts

  • Why creative endeavors are important for the future surgeon

    Thomas L. Amburn
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • Paging the surgeon general: America needs you

    Linda Girgis, MD
  • A trauma surgeon reflects on the Yale System, 20 years later

    Ara Feinstein, MD, MPH
  • The art of medicine is slowly being pushed out. Is that a good thing?

    Steven Zhang, MD
  • When physician leaders get acquired and squeezed

    Anonymous

More in Physician

  • A mentor’s legacy in medicine, leadership, and embracing evidence-based care

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • Breaking free from restrictive covenants to combat burnout

    Raya E. Kheirbek, MD
  • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

    Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH
  • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

    Jennifer Lycette, MD
  • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Master time management with 7 productivity strategies for optimal results

    Farzana Hoque, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming the lies of depression: Senator John Fetterman’s struggle with mental health

      Harvey Max Chochinov, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • Master the ABIM Certification exam with effective strategies: insider tips for success

      Farzana Hoque, MD | Education
    • A mentor’s legacy in medicine, leadership, and embracing evidence-based care

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Breaking free from restrictive covenants to combat burnout

      Raya E. Kheirbek, MD | Physician
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 4 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • New Data in NSCLC Bolster Support for Perioperative Immunotherapy
  • Breathing Support Type Matters for Preventing Extubation Failure in the PICU
  • Second-Line Axi-Cel Bests Standard in Relapsed/Refractory Large B-Cell Lymphoma
  • New Agents for Relapsed/Refractory Myeloma Impress in Early-Stage Clinical Trials
  • Kratom Linked to Outsized Proarrhythmic Risks

Meeting Coverage

  • New Data in NSCLC Bolster Support for Perioperative Immunotherapy
  • Second-Line Axi-Cel Bests Standard in Relapsed/Refractory Large B-Cell Lymphoma
  • New Agents for Relapsed/Refractory Myeloma Impress in Early-Stage Clinical Trials
  • CAR-T Tops Standard Care in Heavily Pretreated Lenalidomide-Refractory Myeloma
  • T-DXd Proves Mettle in Multiple Solid Tumors
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlocking resilience: a powerful journey from trauma to transformation [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming the lies of depression: Senator John Fetterman’s struggle with mental health

      Harvey Max Chochinov, MD, PhD | Conditions
    • Master the ABIM Certification exam with effective strategies: insider tips for success

      Farzana Hoque, MD | Education
    • A mentor’s legacy in medicine, leadership, and embracing evidence-based care

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Breaking free from restrictive covenants to combat burnout

      Raya E. Kheirbek, MD | Physician
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

All I ever wanted to do was to be a surgeon. But I was pushed out.
4 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...