Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

It takes a village to be a physician today

Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD
Physician
September 20, 2019
346 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

After my second child was born, I realized a harsh truth: I could not be everything to everyone.

It took me almost 30 years to understand this. I was working as a full-time physician with unpredictable hours. I was trying desperately to make it all work; juggling hospital burdens with the ever-demanding job of being a mother.

I grew up with a mom who was everyone’s mother. As one of the few stay-at-home moms in my childhood neighborhood, this meant my friends’ moms depended on her to give rides, show up at events, play lifeguard, and keep us safe. She was my role model of what a mother should be (and she still is today).

But somehow during child two, I realized I would never be her. I was a physician first, and after I became a mother, I really struggled with my attempt to emulate her. I was in a constant state of defeat; when my house was in order, and my kids were happy, my work life suffered. When I was putting in hours at the hospital and achieving at work, I felt this huge sense of guilt and inadequacy at home.

The more I was unable to do, the more I expected my husband to do. The work started piling up like that mountain of dirty laundry you never quite manage to finish before someone throws more on the top. My husband, who also works, started to feel completely overwhelmed doing tasks for which he had zero time. And you can imagine what that did for our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. My husband is an amazing, hands-on father. He takes our kids to 90 percent of their sporting practices; he packs lunches, signs homework, and fixes ponytails. But he is never going to make cupcakes or shop for the kid’s Easter outfits. And quite frankly, why do I want him to be something he is not?

It all came to a head one day, a story too long to write about in this short blog. After feeling like a total and complete failure, I realized I needed help. So I did what every working mother does, I made two lists.

One list was all the things my mother did for me as a child that really shaped me. The things she did that made me who I am. I was determined to do those things for my children; they were non-negotiable.

Guess what was not on there? Laundry. Cupcakes. Groceries. And while I love my mother’s homemade spaghetti sauce, it wasn’t her cooking that made who I am. It was her constant and routine presence in my life, and more than anything, her words to me.

My mother’s words shaped who I am. I still hear them in my mind when it’s 3 a.m., and I’m struggling in the OR to save someone. I hear them when I fail at something, or I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. I hear them when my own children are hurting or angry, and her words leave my mouth as I comfort them, build them up, or discipline them. Her words were everything to me. They are the fibers that built my resilience, my backbone, and my ability to be a mother myself.

The older I get, the more I realized how blessed I had a mother whose words built me, and did not destroy me.

So then I made a second list.  A list of all the things I was doing or my husband was doing that weren’t on the first list — things like closet reorganization, grocery shopping, and making party baskets. We hired a few college girls and neighborhood teens to help us do tasks that we came to realize were stealing our precious time with our kids when we were home. Tasks that were necessary, but someone besides the two of us could do.

Why should our inability to keep up with the laundry make us feel like we are failing as parents? If you think about that, it is somewhat ridiculous.  We asked for help and hired people not as babysitters, but as house helpers. I didn’t want to hire a sitter so I could clean my house or go through the kid’s drawers for a change in season. I hired someone to do those things so that when I was home, I could be the one reading to them, speaking words of truth to them.

I received a lot of criticism, and still do, for hiring “house helpers.” I understand my way of outsourcing and balance isn’t necessary for everyone, nor does it fit everyone. But if you are struggling as a parent to feel adequate, please don’t let your ability to organize your pantry affect your measurement as a mother or father. I would argue those are vastly different metrics.

One day at work, a female partner came up to me and whispered, “Hey can I talk to you? Someone said you hire some girls to come to your house and do laundry and grocery shop. Is this true? How does this work?” I nearly laughed out loud. You would have thought she was asking me if I had hired drug runners. I smiled as I talked about my outsourcing of house duties, vastly different than childcare. I gave her permission to do the same and encouraged her to let go of the guilt, and that she couldn’t expect to do it all without help.

My kids are never going to go to school with homemade cupcakes. But they are going to know how special they are and how loved they are. They are going to have me there for them, truly present, whenever I am home. It’s how I work out the fact I am a physician and a mom.

If you are a caregiver or parent in today’s ever-busy world, give yourself grace. Do not compare yourself to the next person’s ability to manage what you perceive is more or less than yourself. It takes a village. Truly.

Your words matter the most. Make them count. Forget the laundry.

Sasha K. Shillcutt is an anesthesiologist who blogs at Brave Enough.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Vapers may be using more nicotine than they realize

September 20, 2019 Kevin 0
…
Next

The orthopedic objectification of women

September 21, 2019 Kevin 10
…

Tagged as: Practice Management, Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Vapers may be using more nicotine than they realize
Next Post >
The orthopedic objectification of women

More by Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD

  • The inspiring women physicians of the COVID-19 pandemic

    Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD
  • An anesthesiologist’s message to her community

    Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD
  • A physician’s plea to patients

    Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Why this physician supports Medicare for all

    Thad Salmon, MD
  • Embrace the teamwork involved in becoming a physician

    Nathaniel Fleming

More in Physician

  • The dark side of medicine: an urgent call to action against greed

    Don Gaede, MD
  • Dr. Glaucomflecken for president!

    Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Amy Bissada, DO & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD
  • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

    Edward T. Creagan, MD
  • Do residents deserve the title of physician?

    Anonymous
  • When an MBA degree meets medicine: an eye-opening experience

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • The hidden gems of health care: Unlocking the potential of narrative medicine

    Dr. Najat Fadlallah
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

      Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The dark side of medicine: an urgent call to action against greed

      Don Gaede, MD | Physician
    • The surprising power of Play-Doh in pediatric care: How it’s bringing families together

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking free from gaslighting [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The pros and cons of using ChatGPT for your health care needs

      Liudmila Schafer, MD | Tech
    • Dr. Glaucomflecken for president!

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Amy Bissada, DO & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • How Did Pulse Oximeters Perform in Black Kids?
  • Coffee and Heart Function; Ionizing Radiation and CVD
  • Health Inequity Should Be Labeled as a 'Never Event'
  • Healing the Damaged Nurse-Physician Dynamic
  • Doc Moms, Mind the Gap -- $3M Earning Difference by Sex

Meeting Coverage

  • Switch to IL-23 Blocker Yields Deep Responses in Recalcitrant Plaque Psoriasis
  • Biomarkers of Response With Enfortumab Vedotin in Advanced Urothelial Cancer
  • At-Home Topical Therapy for Molluscum Contagiosum Gets High Marks
  • Outlook for Itchy Prurigo Nodularis Continues to Improve With IL-31 Antagonist
  • AAAAI President Shares Highlights From the 2023 Meeting
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

      Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The dark side of medicine: an urgent call to action against greed

      Don Gaede, MD | Physician
    • The surprising power of Play-Doh in pediatric care: How it’s bringing families together

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Breaking free from gaslighting [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The pros and cons of using ChatGPT for your health care needs

      Liudmila Schafer, MD | Tech
    • Dr. Glaucomflecken for president!

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Amy Bissada, DO & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

It takes a village to be a physician today
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...