Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

I never expected to be a patient

Naderge Pierre, MD
Physician
December 3, 2017
122 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

As a surgical resident nearing my final year of training, I loved to operate. Whenever I was on call in the trauma unit at our large urban teaching hospital in Washington, DC, I’d yearn for my pager to go off.

I was always tired, too — but for a surgical resident, fatigue is a given. Sleep and eat when you can, get your work done and operate like a madwoman: That was my life. It felt like a high-adrenaline thrill ride, and I was enjoying every swoop and turn.

I never expected that, while racing towards the final exhilarating peak of my training, I would become a patient myself.

Ironically, it happened right after the most memorable surgery of my trauma rotation.

The patient, a man my age, had suffered multiple gunshot wounds to the chest and abdomen. Donning my surgical gown, gloves and mask, I felt my heart and adrenaline revving up in anticipation.

The man’s heart stopped beating as he rolled through the emergency-room doors, but I cut into his chest, spread his ribs, moved his lung out the way, clamped his aorta and put my palms over his heart, squeezing it rhythmically. At first, it refused to revive, but my team and I didn’t give up. Finally, the man’s heart jumped — and so did mine, as if in sympathy.

Working on the man under the glaring operating-room lights, I sent up a silent prayer: Lord, please guide our hands.

Over the next hour, my team and I threw every ounce of our skill into trying to save him — removing damaged organs, suturing and stapling holes, fixing bleeding vessels — while his heart taunted us with faint, erratic rhythms. My own heart pounded as if it might rip through my chest, but I ignored its throbbing and the occasional jab of pain.

Finally, the man’s heart gave up, and he slipped away. Even amid the tragedy of his death and the loss to his loved ones, I felt elated at the immense expertise and dedication my teammates and I had devoted to him. It felt like the crowning moment of my training.

Two days later, that night ran through my mind as I sat in the emergency room. After the surgery, my heart had continued to race, my chest pain had intensified, and I’d become breathless. Now I was a patient myself.

I never get sick: That had always been my silent mantra. But, like my patient, that mantra had been mercilessly shot down.

As it turned out, my heart had been trying to get my attention. Now I was finally forced to listen.

“Your heart is enlarged,” the ER doctor said, “and your cardiac enzymes are elevated.” My chest CT scan was abnormal. No diagnosis was in sight, but a multitude of possibilities raced through my head: heart attack, heart failure, pulmonary embolism.

My father (a farm-labor contractor), my homemaker mother and my four siblings were back home in Miami, hundreds of miles away. Feeling utterly alone, I shed a few tears in my room.

The next morning my heart’s inadequacies were ruthlessly exposed. Scanning the echocardiogram screen, I saw how weakly she was pumping — less than half the normal capacity. I feared that she might stop at any instant, but — perhaps out of spite at my obliviousness — she beat on in a mad fury.

I felt defeated. I wished that I could plunge my hands into my own chest and give my heart the extra boost she needed.

Being a patient in my own hospital felt like a surreal, out-of-body experience. As the medical residents examined me that first day, I saw myself morph in their eyes from being a fellow resident to being a “good case.” They surrounded my bed, staring down at me, furiously scribbling notes and speculating on my diagnosis as my own mind also raced through the possibilities.

“I think you have sarcoidosis,” one declared presumptively, as I stared sullenly back at him.

I’m going to need a left-ventricular assist device and a new heart, I thought miserably. Another surgeon is going to put scalpel to my chest and put her hand on my heart to support it — or replace it.

That was the best-case scenario. The worst case … I have seen a patient die while waiting for that saving organ. Now it was my turn to wonder, Where am I going to get a new heart?

Seething over this unexpected road bump, so close to the end of my training, I also wrestled with nagging fears: Will I be able to be a surgeon? Will I be able to have children?

As I repeated my story to the residents and attendings, I put on a brave front and a big smile — but inside, I felt blinding rage, despair and sadness. At day’s end, I could no longer keep my emotions at bay: Sitting in my hospital bed, feeling utterly alone, I broke down and sobbed.

But I soon discovered that I was not alone. We all joke about our “work families”; my fellow residents, attendings, social workers and nurses truly were my family. They made the needed phone calls to the head cardiologist and checked on me often to ensure my comfort. After my cardiac catheterization, one resident brightened my day by volunteering to “hold pressure” on my femoral artery so that I wouldn’t get a bruise. And when my coworkers learned that my family couldn’t afford to visit me, they started a crowdfunding platform to pay for the trip — and for my rising health care costs.

After seven days and multiple diagnostic tests, I was finally diagnosed: It was lupus, an autoimmune disorder. Disguised as a resident’s normal fatigue, it had been ravaging my heart, lungs and mind.

Lupus isn’t curable, but its symptoms can be controlled with medications and other therapies. Knowing this, I felt relieved that I could manage the illness, and hopeful that my heart could recover without any lasting damage. I felt supported, too, by the assurances of my doctors, family and friends, and most of all by my faith in God.

I diligently followed my doctors’ recommendations, including having a defibrillator implanted to prevent a deadly arrhythmia. My heart function significantly improved: It turned out that I don’t need a left-ventricular assist device — or a new heart. Although my heart hasn’t yet recovered fully, and I sometimes get very tired, I feel well overall.

Despite my illness, I pushed ahead with my career goals. After a two-month break, I returned to training and completed my general surgery residency, and the following year I finished a colon-and-rectal surgery fellowship. I’m becoming the surgeon I aspired to be.

It’s no coincidence, I believe, that my mother named me Naderge, which means “hope” in Haitian Creole. And years ago, I got a tattoo of an Adinkra symbol, Biribi Wo Soro, which means “God is in the heavens.” It’s a saying whose hope and faith I feel express my spirit. I am a survivor; I look forward to being a practicing surgeon and a wife and mother, and I’m confident that hope and faith will continue to guide my existence.

I can feel her, my heart, beating graciously — and I find myself full of hope that she will one day regain her full power.

Naderge Pierre is  surgeon. This piece was originally published in Pulse — voices from the heart of medicine. 

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

When EMRs crash: It's time to push back

December 3, 2017 Kevin 25
…
Next

A physician suffers a betrayal of trust

December 3, 2017 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: Rheumatology, Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
When EMRs crash: It's time to push back
Next Post >
A physician suffers a betrayal of trust

Related Posts

  • Building a bond of trust between patient and physician

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • More physician responsibility for patient care

    Michael R. McGuire
  • Prescribing medication from a patient’s and physician’s perspective

    Michael Kirsch, MD
  • The triad of health care: patient, nurse, physician

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • There are drawbacks when multiple layers are placed between patient and physician

    Elaine Walizer
  • The patient-physician relationship is in critical condition

    Ryan Enke, MD

More in Physician

  • The patient who became my soulmate

    Anonymous
  • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

    Jean Antonucci, MD
  • Life as a physician is sometimes like a runaway trailer

    Christopher Nyte, DO
  • The controversial origin of the Hippocratic oath

    Brian Elliott, MD
  • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

    Stephanie Pearson, MD
  • Navigating life’s zero-sum game: the struggles of competitive health care professionals

    Deepak Gupta, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Unintended consequences of Health Care Quality Improvement Act: a violation of physicians’ civil and constitutional rights

      Farid Gharagozloo, MD & Rainer Gruessner, MD & Robert Poston, MD | Physician
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • An unspoken truth about non-compete clauses in medicine

      Harry Severance, MD | Policy
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Fostering the next (diverse) generation of clinicians

      Imamu Tomlinson, MD, MBA | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
    • The Titanic sinking: a metaphor for the impending collapse of medicine

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD & Shreekant Vasudhev, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Redefining success: a journey of self-discovery and fulfillment [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Yoga and self-care won’t cure my Crohn’s disease

      Kristen L. Cole | Conditions
    • The patient who became my soulmate

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Can AI solve the physician shortage crisis?

      Harry Severance, MD | Tech
    • Breaking barriers in arthritis care with telemedicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Another Win for a JAK Inhibitor in Alopecia Areata
  • 'It Is a Horrifying Prospect': What We Heard This Week
  • Temp Nurses Cost Hospitals Big During Pandemic. Lawmakers Are Now Mulling Limits.
  • Biologic Switch Revs Up Response in Plaque Psoriasis
  • Man Versus Malaria

Meeting Coverage

  • Another Win for a JAK Inhibitor in Alopecia Areata
  • Biologic Switch Revs Up Response in Plaque Psoriasis
  • Adding Pembrolizumab to Docetaxel Fails to Improve Survival in mCRPC
  • Moving Newer Agents Up Earlier in Advanced Bladder Cancer
  • Latest on Neoadjuvant Immunotherapy in Muscle-Invasive Bladder Cancer
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Unintended consequences of Health Care Quality Improvement Act: a violation of physicians’ civil and constitutional rights

      Farid Gharagozloo, MD & Rainer Gruessner, MD & Robert Poston, MD | Physician
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • An unspoken truth about non-compete clauses in medicine

      Harry Severance, MD | Policy
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Fostering the next (diverse) generation of clinicians

      Imamu Tomlinson, MD, MBA | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
    • The Titanic sinking: a metaphor for the impending collapse of medicine

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD & Shreekant Vasudhev, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Redefining success: a journey of self-discovery and fulfillment [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Yoga and self-care won’t cure my Crohn’s disease

      Kristen L. Cole | Conditions
    • The patient who became my soulmate

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Can AI solve the physician shortage crisis?

      Harry Severance, MD | Tech
    • Breaking barriers in arthritis care with telemedicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

I never expected to be a patient
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...