Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

A biker’s heartbreaking story

Ben Gold, MD
Physician
July 20, 2017
154 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

A lone figure stood at the entrance to bed 14, intensive care unit 2, floor 15-North. Though it was 2:30 a.m., he stood with rapt attention. He looked out over the hallway, eyes scanning. He looked like a gargoyle brooding over his castle, protecting it.

He looked unlike anyone I’d ever seen in an ICU. He was a slightly pudgy yet wholly muscular 5′ 10” or so, with a few days worth of stubble, a handlebar mustache and a tight buzzcut. He looked to be in his early forties. He wore a thick black leather jacket emblazoned with a large “ORIENT: HIGH PERFORMANCE” patch on the back in bright yellow. From his jacket elbows dangled two large elbow guards. In one arm, he held a large white motorcycle helmet with a black visor. Around him, various family members streamed in and out of the room.

The man lying in bed 14 had arrived to the unit several hours earlier in respiratory distress. We started him on BiPAP, an oxygen mask that pushes air into your lungs during inspiration and keeps them open during expiration. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s effective. After only a few minutes he was breathing more easily. He couldn’t talk that well after we started BiPAP, so I had to ask his sister for the story. The man with the motorcycle helmet stood outside of the room listening.

The story was devastating. I knew before I asked. Families that have battled it out with chronic diseases over long periods of time have a hardened, steely look to them. Not this family. Their eyes were too wide, too disbelieving. Not good.

His sister told me that he had noticed a worsening cough over the past three months. Some fatigue, some shortness of breath. Most damningly, he’d lost 30 pounds since he noticed the cough. Then he started coughing up blood and came to the ER. That was five days ago. The CT scan of his chest and abdomen was almost a formality. He had widespread, incurable cancer. It had exploded across his lungs, liver, spleen, bones, and brain in a few short months. The only treatment options available started with the word “palliative.”

The patient and his family knew this already. But now they were in the ICU where sick patients die. I explained that intubation was the next step after BiPAP if he failed to improve. I explained that multiple organ systems were failing simultaneously due to the high tumor burden: his kidneys were turning off, his blood was clotting, his heart and liver were showing signs of injury. After talking with the family some more, I left the room.

An hour or so had passed before I made my way back to bed 14. But before I could enter the room, the man with the motorcycle helmet stopped me in the hallway. He looked into my eyes with an intensity best measured in horsepower.

“Do you have a brother?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” I replied. “He’s my best friend.”

He nodded, then turned to look at his brother, weakened and dying. He seemed to be saying: so you know what I’m going through. A lump started forming in my throat. I wasn’t ready for how direct he was being with me. I have a brother. What if something happened to him?

“The fucker in that room saved my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“We were never that close. He was always “go, go, go,” I was the opposite. He got good grades, pushed himself, started his own real estate business. I was a fuckup. Eventually, I got my EMT-B, joined the army as a medic. I was deployed for nine months in Afghanistan. Fucked me up. Thought about suicide a bunch of times. I don’t know why, but I called him. He talked me out of it. Told me to get help. I’m on meds now, see a shrink.”

He paused and started inspecting his helmet. I could see our distorted faces in the reflective curvature of the visor. He turned to look at his brother, then looked at me again. “It’s hard for me to see him like this,” he said. I nodded in agreement.

I continued into the room. The man with the motorcycle helmet kept watch from the hallway.

My shift ended at 7 a.m., and I went home. But the interaction stayed with me. I kept thinking I have a brother, I have a brother. I wondered what had happened between these two brothers to cause such distance. What was that phone call like? I have a brother. How would I react to a family member’s imminent death?

We ask a lot of questions as physicians, and we answer a lot of questions. But not usually about ourselves and our feelings. The man with the motorcycle helmet exposed something in me: I don’t know what watching a loved one die is like. He asked me to try to imagine his scenario, and I did, however briefly and incompletely. I felt fear, helplessness, despair.

But I also felt something else. I’d gained an understanding of the man in bed 14. He was the hero of a story I’d never read. In the end, he had accomplished something no doctor was able to do for him. He’d saved a life.

Ben Gold is a physician who blogs at his self-titled site, Ben Gold, M.D.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com 

Prev

A part of patient care that I was not taught in medical school

July 20, 2017 Kevin 3
…
Next

Senator McCain has brain cancer. Here's what that means.

July 20, 2017 Kevin 5
…

Tagged as: Critical Care

Post navigation

< Previous Post
A part of patient care that I was not taught in medical school
Next Post >
Senator McCain has brain cancer. Here's what that means.

More by Ben Gold, MD

  • How the influence of a grandfather affects this physician

    Ben Gold, MD
  • The physician’s relationship with the beeper

    Ben Gold, MD
  • Hospital sushi and the 5 stages of grief

    Ben Gold, MD

Related Posts

  • The story of how this physician started her blog

    Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD
  • Hormone replacement therapy is still linked to cancer

    Martha Rosenberg
  • Why everyone needs a six-word story

    Alexie Puran, MD
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • Every patient has a story

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • A medical student as storyteller and story-listener

    Yoo Jung Kim, MD

More in Physician

  • Breaking the cycle of failure in modern medicine

    Kortney West, MD
  • From license to loneliness: the dilemma of retired physicians

    Richard Plotzker, MD
  • Unlearning our habits: a journey from intelligence to wisdom

    Brian Sayers, MD
  • Beyond pizza and pens: National Doctors’ Day should be about saving lives

    James Young, MD
  • Maximizing physician potential: How coaching can aid in conflict resolution, enhance health care leadership and build stronger teams

    Asha Padmanabhan, MD
  • Physicians are a finite resource we need to protect

    Jack Resneck, Jr., MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Physicians are a finite resource we need to protect

      Jack Resneck, Jr., MD | Physician
    • Beyond pizza and pens: National Doctors’ Day should be about saving lives

      James Young, MD | Physician
    • From clocking in to clocking out: the transition to retirement

      Debbie Moore-Black, RN | Conditions
    • Collaborating with occupational therapists: a game-changer for behavioral health [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Telemedicine in the opioid crisis: a game-changer threatened by DEA regulations

      Julie Craig, MD | Meds
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Collaborating with occupational therapists: a game-changer for behavioral health [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Breaking the cycle of failure in modern medicine

      Kortney West, MD | Physician
    • ChatGPT: the Napster of the AI world?

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The missing piece of physicians’ financial plans

      Daniel B. Wrenne, CFP | Finance
    • Counterfeit drugs: a hidden danger lurking in your medicine cabinet

      Emily Kahoud | Meds
    • How understanding cultural backgrounds can lead to better patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Is Surgery Riskier After a COVID Infection?
  • The Best Medicine for Healthcare Workers: A Living Wage
  • Meat Consumption and UTIs; Air Pollution's Effects on Health
  • 'Early Birds' With Sleep Apnea May Get More CPAP Benefits
  • Mental Health Care Goes Beyond Just the Patient

Meeting Coverage

  • VTE Risk in Recurrent Ovarian Cancer Increases With More Lines of Chemotherapy
  • Obesity's Impact on Uterine Cancer Risk Greater in Younger Age Groups
  • Oral Roflumilast Effective in the Treatment of Plaque Psoriasis
  • Phase III Trials 'Hit a Home Run' in Advanced Endometrial Cancer
  • Cannabis Use Common in Post-Surgery Patients on Opioid Tapering
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Physicians are a finite resource we need to protect

      Jack Resneck, Jr., MD | Physician
    • Beyond pizza and pens: National Doctors’ Day should be about saving lives

      James Young, MD | Physician
    • From clocking in to clocking out: the transition to retirement

      Debbie Moore-Black, RN | Conditions
    • Collaborating with occupational therapists: a game-changer for behavioral health [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Telemedicine in the opioid crisis: a game-changer threatened by DEA regulations

      Julie Craig, MD | Meds
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Collaborating with occupational therapists: a game-changer for behavioral health [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Breaking the cycle of failure in modern medicine

      Kortney West, MD | Physician
    • ChatGPT: the Napster of the AI world?

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech
    • The missing piece of physicians’ financial plans

      Daniel B. Wrenne, CFP | Finance
    • Counterfeit drugs: a hidden danger lurking in your medicine cabinet

      Emily Kahoud | Meds
    • How understanding cultural backgrounds can lead to better patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

A biker’s heartbreaking story
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...