Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Maybe it’s time for physicians to lean out

Rekha Chandrabose, MD
Physician
April 10, 2017
880 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

A few years ago, my colleagues and I started a non-profit called Women in Anesthesiology.  I started medical school late and had two children in residency (earning the delightful label of elderly primigravida or, if you prefer, geriatric pregnancy). My co-resident and I noticed few women in our department, and even fewer in leadership.  We charged forward, starting a local, then national group.  At the same time, a separate Facebook entity called Physician Anesthesiologist Mom Group (PAMG) grew from a few hundred to over 2,300 members, while the Facebook Physician Moms Group (PMG) skyrocketed to over 63,000.

The time is right. Everywhere we look, we see public discussion of women in the workforce and large institutions are addressing the issues of equity and equality. The #ILookLikeASurgeon, #whatadoctorlookslike, and #IamBlackwell hashtags are social media’s contributions to changing the image, understanding, and bias associated with medicine and women.

Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In (both the book and the website), the Huffington Post, and the New York Times are all throwing their media weight behind the idea that though it may be a challenge, now is a great time to be a professional woman. And, if it’s not a great time, then at least it’s not supposed to be a lonely time.

However, I was a little lonely two nights ago when I stayed up while my five-year-old daughter puked every 20 minutes from 2:15 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. She then passed into a deep and restful sleep for two hours, woke up, had two cups of mint tea with honey and wanted to play. I (ex-elderly primigravida here) couldn’t play and couldn’t sleep at 7:30 a.m., two hours past my usual wake-up time. I sat outside and drank coffee while my usual list of tasks buzzed around my body, said hello to its old pal insomnia and finally settled in its usual place, right around where my heart is.

After the day finally came to its blessed end, I sat on the couch and sent several detailed texts to my husband and nanny regarding what the kids’ exact schedule is for the next four weeks, including therapies, camps, and dentist appointments. I’ll be out of the country for ten days, visiting my 80-year-old father who recently had a heart attack. But he lives 23 hours away by plane, so ten days it is.

I was reminded of a post in a Facebook group, detailing both the poster’s mommy guilt and her guilt over complaining, while her life was so good compared to others.  Guilt over guilt! Well, as my best friend always says, suffering is not relative.  You are allowed to feel sad that you haven’t seen your kids in two full days just because of your schedule, even if others have gone longer.  I cannot convince my kids to eat all their food by telling them about the famine in Somalia.  We all just get depressed when I do that.

If you’ve seen the movie Bad Moms (written by two men), you know that it hit a cultural nerve. Current popular culture seems to have glommed on to the idea that no one can have it all.  Now, I hear, “You can be a mom, a doctor and a wife, but you have to pick which two you’ll be good at.”  Work-life balance seems less like a goal than a lesson in treading a tightrope. And sometimes, I feel like if I lean in anymore, I may just fall over.

The thing is, I like my job, and I am moderately ambitious. I love my kids, and I miss them. My husband still makes me laugh, and he smells good.  And to survive my life choices (job, marriage, kids, mortgage) intact, I’m going to have to lean out a little.

Having it all, all of the time, is a well-understood myth. No one has it all, whatever their “all” is. So, I’m shooting for 80 percent.  I’m saying “no” 20 percent of the time, I am exercising three days a week instead of four, and I’m not giving up carbs, only 80 percent of them (OK, 50 percent of them).  It is insanely freeing to give up on perfection as a goal. I still have anxiety about producing at work or showing up at school, but much less so than when I’m trying to do 110 percent of my own abilities. I think the best thing about leaning out is that I set both bars: my perception of me at 100 percent and my goal at 80 percent.

No interviewer says, “We hope you consider giving at least 80 percent.” But here’s my takeaway for overachievers everywhere: Shhh. Your 80 percent is enough, most of the time.  Having cortisol rushing through your bloodstream at all times doesn’t have to be your normal.  The quality of the 80 percent that you do choose to do may be improved, because you are having more fun and enjoying your life a little more.  It’s a trope for a reason: I won’t look back at my life wishing I had spent more time in meetings and less time with my family and caring for myself.

There are some nights that are going to be filled with puke and list-making; I can’t avoid them, but I can avoid making myself feel a failure about it.  So, I am going to continue to lean out a little.  I hope you will join me, even if for only 80 percent.

Rekha Chandrabose is an anesthesiologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Why politics and patients don’t mix

April 10, 2017 Kevin 0
…
Next

Single payer: Yes! Medicare for all: No!

April 11, 2017 Kevin 33
…

Tagged as: Surgery

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Why politics and patients don’t mix
Next Post >
Single payer: Yes! Medicare for all: No!

More by Rekha Chandrabose, MD

  • Here’s why women doctors need time together

    Rekha Chandrabose, MD
  • 7 ways to not feel like an imposter

    Rekha Chandrabose, MD

Related Posts

  • It’s time for physicians to be less “productive”

    Anonymous
  • Are patients using social media to attack physicians?

    David R. Stukus, MD
  • When it comes to pay cuts, it’s time to look beyond physicians

    J. DeWayne Tooson, MD
  • The risk physicians take when going on social media

    Anonymous
  • Beware of pseudoscience: The desperate need for physicians on social media

    Valerie A. Jones, MD
  • When physicians are cyberbullied: an interview with ZDoggMD

    Monique Tello, MD

More in Physician

  • Challenging the diagnosis: dehydration or bias?

    Sydney Lou Bonnick, MD
  • Practicing medicine with conviction

    Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA
  • The power of memory in shaping human identity

    Emily F. Peters and Sandeep Jauhar, MD, PhD
  • Physicians have no autonomy. Here’s how to change that.

    Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH
  • The erosion of patient care

    Laura de la Torre, MD
  • Navigating adulthood in the digital age

    Eleanor Menzin, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • A teenager’s perspective: the pressing need for mental health days in schools

      Ruhi Saldanha | Conditions
    • Challenging the diagnosis: dehydration or bias?

      Sydney Lou Bonnick, MD | Physician
    • Exploring HIV care and advocacy [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Exploring HIV care and advocacy [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • A teenager’s perspective: the pressing need for mental health days in schools

      Ruhi Saldanha | Conditions
    • Challenging the diagnosis: dehydration or bias?

      Sydney Lou Bonnick, MD | Physician
    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Assertiveness in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Epigenetics and our inheritance to future generations

      Vishruth Nagam | Conditions

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 6 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Lab Tests That Escape FDA Oversight May Come Under Agency Review
  • Fezolinetant Benefits Women Not Suited for Hormone Therapy
  • Low Tidal Volume Compliance Still Lacking in Mechanical Ventilation
  • IV Immunoglobulin May Cut Infection Risk of Anti-BCMA Agents for Myeloma
  • When's the Best Time to Get the Updated COVID Shot?

Meeting Coverage

  • Fezolinetant Benefits Women Not Suited for Hormone Therapy
  • Plant-Based Estrogen Improves Lipids in Postmenopausal Women
  • New Schizophrenia Treatments Are Coming: Don't Panic
  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • A teenager’s perspective: the pressing need for mental health days in schools

      Ruhi Saldanha | Conditions
    • Challenging the diagnosis: dehydration or bias?

      Sydney Lou Bonnick, MD | Physician
    • Exploring HIV care and advocacy [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Exploring HIV care and advocacy [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • A teenager’s perspective: the pressing need for mental health days in schools

      Ruhi Saldanha | Conditions
    • Challenging the diagnosis: dehydration or bias?

      Sydney Lou Bonnick, MD | Physician
    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Assertiveness in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Epigenetics and our inheritance to future generations

      Vishruth Nagam | Conditions

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Maybe it’s time for physicians to lean out
6 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...