Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The pink bag that symbolizes how far this physician has come

Ashley Sumrall, MD
Physician
October 30, 2016
1K Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

img_1365

When I graduated from medical school, my dad gave me several hundred dollars with instructions to buy something special. It was a kind gesture, but the pressure to self-select a meaningful gift was almost too much.

I wanted something to commemorate my transition from student to doctor. Books, stethoscopes, and the like seemed so uninventive. I wanted something for residency that would be feminine, useful, and durable. I bought this pink leather bag that I had been eyeing in the J. Jill catalog for myself with plans to make it my “on call bag.”

I started my intern year with it as a neurology intern. Dutifully, I packed it with scrubs, deodorant, reflex hammers, and books. I would toss it in a pile in the lounge with all of the black or navy male bags. It stood out, like me. I kept it with me as I realized my error and changed my specialty mid-intern year to internal medicine.

Later, its contents changed as I experienced my first pregnancy. I stuffed the inside pocket with crackers, nausea meds, and vitamins. Those abruptly disappeared when I miscarried that pregnancy in my early second trimester. Back to work just one day later, I was the on-call intern at the VA. It didn’t really matter what I packed; I didn’t slow down enough that night to even peek inside.

Time passed. Several months later, I became pregnant again and endured some long on-call nights. In the summer, I decided to run for office in our state medical society. Cleared for travel by my OB, I packed my bag for a weekend away. I carefully folded a maternity business suit, placing this in my bag alongside a pair of heels and campaign flyers.

Nearly two hours into the trip, something went horribly wrong. We stopped at a local hospital, and I emergently delivered my first child (a 24 weeker who spent over 100 days in the NICU). I returned to work one week after her birth, determined to blend in with my colleagues. I remember rounding on cardiology and sitting in each patient’s room as my attending directed me to do. Call every fourth night was almost unbearable. I would tuck one of her onesies in the side pocket of my bag, along with pictures. I would sit and pray for her in between pages to the ER or ICU.

Next, I packed pumping gear and bottles for breast milk. Working, pumping, and taking call began to take a toll on me. Not long after, I packed Xanax (seriously). When my daughter came home from the NICU, accessorized with an apnea monitor and a portable oxygen tank, I laid my pink bag down. By then, I was nearly paralyzed with the fear that I could never return to the career that I loved. Becoming a Dr. Mom was hard enough, but a Dr. Mom with a special needs child? It seemed impossible, and I had no mentor or role model to guide me.

Two months later, I trekked back to work. I never (well, not really) looked back. I carried that pink bag with me, trip after trip, to the hospital. Some nights I would open it to find a sweet or funny love note from my husband. Some nights I would open it to discover that I had forgotten clean socks or underwear. Again. Most nights I would look at it and wonder if I would even make it through another week of training. How would I keep taking call q4 days and manage to be a mom to a severely disabled child? How would I pay back loans if I quit?

By the second year of residency, things were better. I started moonlighting at a local emergent department to help pay bills. Some nights were awful: ST-elevation myocardial infarctions, emergent intubations, and code blues. Still, my pink bag held all of my essentials such as makeup. Concealer became important as I hid the dark circles under my eyes from a 24-going-on-36 hour shift.

After a long shift, I looked forward to tossing my bag in my car at 7 a.m. and heading to my “day job.” Time passed. I completed residency and decided to become an oncologist. Through my hematology-oncology fellowship, aside from overnight moonlighting shifts, I never stayed in house. The bag moved to the back of the closet. Somehow it didn’t feel right to take it on “personal” trips. It stayed home when I lived in another state for six weeks after receiving a surprise “we have a baby for you” adoption call. One year later, I was admitted to the hospital in preterm labor with my son. I reached for the blue Vera Bradley instead. The pink bag moved from the back of my closet to the dreaded Rubbermaid tote in the storage room.

Fast forward to my decision to pursue a second fellowship (neuro-oncology) that took me across the country. In order to make this “chance of a lifetime” work, my husband stepped down from his hospital administrator position to stay home with our now 3 (!) kids while I took a moonlighting job on top of an already-tough fellowship at Duke. Much like my intern year, I started packing a reflex hammer in it again for neuro exams. One or two nights per week, I would load my pink bag in my car for an upcoming 36-hour shift away from my loves. My middle child began to learn that the pink bag means no mommy for two days. She would cry when she saw it. On occasion, I would open it at about 2 a.m. and find cute toddler art! After that year, I almost threw it out as I had a visceral reaction to even seeing it.

Recently, while unpacking, I came across it and decided to pull it out for a work trip. My first thought was overwhelming sadness over the recent loss of my father to cancer. I remembered how proud he was of me when I became the first doctor in the family. I opened it to find some sweet memories: 2 small patient gifts, a Maxwell’s Quick Medical Reference, cheat sheets for electrolyte replacement, and an old onesie. Again, tonight, I pulled it out to take for an overnight Charleston trip: I have clinic there twice per month. I started thinking about how I wish I could have known what this bag would mean when I selected it 13 years ago.

At the time, I was a young, scared medical student. I thought I would become a marginally good physician at best and set a low bar for myself. Never would I have dreamed that I would practice medicine in two states while juggling a clinical research program, a busy travel schedule, and my family. This bag has been with me through some of the hardest and best parts of my life. So, as I sit in the airport admiring it, I can’t help but smile at how far we have come.

Ashley Sumrall is a neuro-oncologist.

Image credit: Ashley Sumrall

Prev

Breast is best shouldn't be absolute. Here's why.

October 30, 2016 Kevin 6
…
Next

A game of broken telephone in the hospital

October 30, 2016 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Breast is best shouldn't be absolute. Here's why.
Next Post >
A game of broken telephone in the hospital

More by Ashley Sumrall, MD

  • My colleagues are nervous. My patients are crying. And yet, we are here.

    Ashley Sumrall, MD
  • 10 lessons from Hamilton that made me a better oncologist

    Ashley Sumrall, MD
  • When anyone can be a cancer doctor

    Ashley Sumrall, MD

Related Posts

  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD
  • How a physician keynote can highlight your conference

    Kevin Pho, MD
  • Chasing numbers contributes to physician burnout

    DrizzleMD
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi
  • Why this physician supports Medicare for all

    Thad Salmon, MD
  • Embrace the teamwork involved in becoming a physician

    Nathaniel Fleming

More in Physician

  • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

    Maiysha Clairborne, MD
  • Finding peace through surrender: a personal exploration

    Dympna Weil, MD
  • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

    Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH
  • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

    Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD
  • How to overcome telemedicine’s biggest obstacles

    Harvey Castro, MD, MBA
  • The patient who became my soulmate

    Anonymous
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of misery in medicine: a practical guide

      Paul R. Ehrmann, DO | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlock the power of physician compensation data in contract negotiations [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From pennies to attending salaries: Why physicians should teach their kids financial literacy

      Michele Cho-Dorado, MD | Finance
    • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

      Maiysha Clairborne, MD | Physician
    • Changing the pediatric care landscape: Integrating behavioral and mental health care

      Hilary M. Bowers, MD | Conditions
    • Contract Diagnostics is the only firm 100 percent dedicated to physician contract reviews

      Contract Diagnostics | Sponsored
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 5 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Pregnant, Black? Here's Your Drug Test
  • Progestin-Only Birth Control Linked to Small Increase in Breast Cancer Risk
  • Fatty Acid Tube Feeding May Backfire for Preemie Breathing Disorder
  • Case Reports Detail Vision Loss Linked to Recalled Artificial Tears
  • Admin Trumps Med Students: Anti-Abortion Group Allowed on Campus

Meeting Coverage

  • Outlook for Itchy Prurigo Nodularis Continues to Improve With IL-31 Antagonist
  • AAAAI President Shares Highlights From the 2023 Meeting
  • Second-Line Sacituzumab Govitecan Promising in Platinum-Ineligible UC
  • Trial of Novel TYK2 Inhibitor Hits Its Endpoint in Plaque Psoriasis
  • Durable Vitiligo Responses With Topical Ruxolitinib
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of misery in medicine: a practical guide

      Paul R. Ehrmann, DO | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlock the power of physician compensation data in contract negotiations [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From pennies to attending salaries: Why physicians should teach their kids financial literacy

      Michele Cho-Dorado, MD | Finance
    • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

      Maiysha Clairborne, MD | Physician
    • Changing the pediatric care landscape: Integrating behavioral and mental health care

      Hilary M. Bowers, MD | Conditions
    • Contract Diagnostics is the only firm 100 percent dedicated to physician contract reviews

      Contract Diagnostics | Sponsored
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

The pink bag that symbolizes how far this physician has come
5 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...