Scene: Medical office, 9 a.m., waiting room full, chairs in hall full
Players: 2 nurses, 1 clerk, 2 doctors, lots of patients
Doc 1: “Hey, what’s up? I’m sitting on my ass here, and there’s a room full of patients waiting.”
Nurse 1: “Hold on Doc, I’m almost done checking one in.”
“So, Mrs. Smith, do you feel safe in your own home?”
Patient 1: “It’s Sister Jan, actually. My convent is quite safe.”
Nurse 1: “And when was your last sexual encounter?”
Patient 1:” ??”
Doc 1 to Doc 2: “Oy. Why don’t you check up front, see what’s up?”
Clerk to patient: “I need to ask you a series of questions as part of our mandated check-in process. Is that OK?”
Patient 2: nods
Clerk: “I’m sorry, your answer has to be verbalized. Would you like me to repeat the question.”
Patient 2: “No, thanks.”
Clerk: “So you don’t agree to answer the questions?”
Patient 2: “No, I mean yes, of course I will. I was saying no about repeating the question.”
Clerk: “OK, that’s fine. First, are you here today as a result of an auto accident, an injury sustained at work or in the armed forces?”
Patient 2: “I’m not here for an injury. I’m here for my blood pressure.”
Clerk: “Sir, please don’t talk about your privileged health information in the lobby like this. I could get in big trouble. Can you just answer the questions yes or no?”
Patient 2: “Yes.”
Clerk: “So you are here because of an injury sustained in one of the mentioned contexts?”
Patient 2: “No! I mean I’ll answer yes and no!”
Clerk: “OK, are you a dialysis patient?”
Patient 2: “No.”
Clerk: “Have you traveled outside the continental United States in the last 90 days?”
Patient 2: “Yes.”
Clerk, donning a mask: “Where did you travel?”
Patient 2: “Windsor, Ontario. I love the duty-free shop. Just a hop over the bridge and back!”
Clerk: “The government requires I ask you about your race. Can you tell me whether you are Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, Native-Pacific Islander, Declines to Answer, or Other?”
Patient 2: “I’ll take ‘Declines to Answer.'”
Clerk: “Now I have to ask about your ethnicity …”
Patient 2: “Wait, we just did that. I declined.”
Clerk: “That was for race, Sir. This is “ethnicity.”
Patient 1: “I’ll make it quick for you. I decline to answer.”
Clerk: “What is your shoe size?”
Patient 2: “Uh, 12″
Clerk: “Good, we’re getting there. As soon as we finish you can see the nurse.”
Patient 2: “What about my doctor appointment? It started a half-hour ago.”
Clerk: “The doctor cannot see you until the nurse evaluates you. Just a few more questions now. Do you eat meat?”
Patient 2: “Yes.”
Clerk: “Beef, chicken, fish, goat, or other?”
Patient 2: “Uh, any I guess.”
Clerk: “Please be specific.”
Patient 2: “I’ve eaten them all at one time or another. Except goat.”
Clerk: “Is there something special about goat that keeps you from eating it?”
Patient 2:”What do you mean?”
Clerk: “Is the reason you refuse to eat goat one or more of the following: I don’t like the flavor; I never got around to it; It’s against my religion; I believe goats are strictly for sexual satisfaction.”
Patient 2: “It doesn’t say that!”
Clerk, turning the screen around: “Yes, it does, see? Please just answer.”
Patient 2: “I’ll take the one that said never got around to it. That’s the last one?”
Clerk: Ok, the last one, “I believe goats are strictly for sexual satisfaction.”
Patient 2: “No! I never got around to it!”
Clerk: “Whether you’ve acted on your urges isn’t my business. I only enter your responses.”
Patient 2: “No, I meant that I never got around to eating goat. I don’t believe in goat sex.”
Clerk: “You should have been clearer. I’ve already exited that screen, and you cannot change your answer.”
Doc 1 to Doc 2: “I don’t think we’re ever getting out of here.”
“PalMD” is an internal medicine physician who blogs at White Coat Underground.
Image credit: Shutterstock.com
