My first post-op night after my nephrectomy was a mix of fantastical and almost devastating.
I woke up in the PACU after my surgery, extremely confused and disoriented. I felt like I was trapped inside a video game, desperately trying to escape.
Upon entering my new post-op room on a medical-surgical unit, it had that brand-new, hotel-like decor – shiny and pristine. The nurses, techs, and NPs greeted me with words of …
Read more…
A small, cliquish bevy of nurses was working their way through orientation in the NICU straight out of nursing school. They were happy and thrilled to be accepted into this specialized nursing unit: the NICU.
Practicing good hygiene, washing hands up to the elbows with soap each time one entered a baby’s cubicle, and gowning and gloving was a standard and mandatory protocol before touching the babies.
These were preemies in the …
Read more…
A solid mass silently grew on my kidney. An unwelcome addition. Asymptomatic. Discovered haphazardly during a CT scan of my lungs … And it revealed itself.
At first, I was devastated. Will cancer ever leave me alone? It has already visited me twice before. First, breast cancer, also asymptomatic, detected during my very first mammogram at the age of 42, and then a troublesome mole that tested positive for melanoma.
I seemed …
Read more…
After 32 years working as an ICU nurse, I believed I had developed a strong capacity to confront death alongside my patients. I had become accustomed to the challenging scenarios: co-morbidities, multi-system organ failure, emergency intubations, ventilators, pressors, central lines, art lines, failure-to-thrive cases, code blues, and the grim sounds of ribs cracking during CPR.
It was not uncommon to witness families desperately shouting, “Do everything,” even when there was little …
Read more…
25 years ago, at the age of 42, I had my first mammogram, which was part of my routine checkup. I had no symptoms at the time.
I was devastated when the radiologist discovered a shadow in my left breast. To confirm this, a biopsy was scheduled, and indeed, the biopsy confirmed that I had breast cancer.
I consider myself fortunate because we caught it early, and there was no involvement of …
Read more…
I like to thrift shop. Aisle after aisle weaves a story of people and their lives. Pieces of trinkets I’ll never need. But I can feel the hidden simple beauty, and then I have to have it. My children can line my gravesite with the thousands of collectible pottery… those awkward, strange gems I know I can’t take with me.
And then …
Read more…
His 5-year-old daughter asked her mom, “Today is daddy’s birthday. Can we have a picnic at his grave?”
Bryan was 49 years old. He could really do anything. He could do renovations, carpentry, electrical work, play music, be a father and a husband, a son, an uncle, a brother, and a brother-in-law. He had an incredible sense of humor, was down-to-earth, and a big teddy bear to his children. No one …
Read more…
She was oil, and I was vinegar. We didn’t mix. Ever. Even though we wanted the best outcome for our ICU patients, we stood on opposite poles of the earth. Sometimes, there’s only room for one alpha dog, one ultimate bully. And that person wasn’t me.
Mr. Williams, 68 years old, received the tragic news from his physician. He was experiencing strange and unusual symptoms: slurred speech, muscle weakness, lack of …
Read more…
ICU: Our acuities were high, and staffing was low. Our ICU, with 24 beds, was already full. The staffing situation for that night was so poor that instead of our RNs having a 2:1 patient-nurse ratio, we were forced into 3:1 assignments.
Despite the challenging circumstances, we couldn’t have asked for a better team of ICU nurses. They were the best in their field, supported by two dedicated Respiratory Therapists assigned …
Read more…
Jason had always cherished the Fourth of July—it was his moment to shine. At 19 years old, he saw himself as a real man, a car mechanic who garnered the attention and admiration of the ladies. With a fit and muscular physique, he relished his workouts and delighted in showcasing his daredevil spirit.
The day was marked by a grand cookout, where Jason reunited with his high school friends. The smoky …
Read more…
He was 82 years old when he came into our ER, writhing in excruciating abdominal pain. After an ultrasound and a subsequent CT scan, the devastating diagnosis was revealed—end stage pancreatic and liver cancer.
Despite enduring a pain level of 10, he managed to maintain his sense of humor, joking about “biting the bullet.” However, he admitted that the pain had become unbearable.
This resilient individual was not just any patient; he …
Read more…
Calling all health care personnel: EMTs, paramedics, nurses, CNAs, respiratory therapists, police, firefighters. All of you.
You’ve been cursed at, spat upon, hit, and scratched by fingernails. You never got that 30-minute break during those 12 long hours. You had to beg to use the restroom. Your staffing was minimal, and your 24/7 manager was nowhere to be found. Your fellow doctors are shouting at you, and patients’ family members are …
Read more…
PhD, the big man on the psych unit’s eighth floor, puffed on his pipe while listening to the dialogue of the broken, misfits, psychotics, schizophrenics, and bipolar patients. Many were beaten at birth, both physically and emotionally. In this land of serpents, he felt like a god. He’d select patients one by one for ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, with electrodes attached to their heads and a mouthpiece in place. They were …
Read more…
I was afraid to attend football and basketball games, fearing people’s judgment. I had been conditioned to believe that I was short, fat, ugly, and stupid. I spent most of my time alone in my bedroom with the lights out, listening to music on repeat. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I didn’t measure up.
Although I was short, I wasn’t fat or …
Read more…
Her back was mottled, and she could barely sit up. She was weak from her invasive cancer. I visited her on Easter Sunday. Perhaps it was God’s will that I didn’t have an elaborate Easter dinner with ham, rolls, pies, and house decor filled with decorative bunnies. Instead, I went to visit this dear friend I met by happenstance and her dear husband who always seemed to help me out. …
Read more…
As I look at his obituary pictures, I can’t help but feel a sense of longing. I wish I could have known him – that other side of him that his family, friends, and colleagues are sharing in their photos. They’re all smiling and laughing, hugging each other, and radiating a genuine sense of happiness.
He was one of our main ICU physicians, a brilliant man who could meticulously turn a …
Read more…
I was sitting alone in a rundown trailer in the woods, surrounded by five acres of trees that crowded the blue sky. I had 60 aminophylline pills in my hand, hoping they would end my life. As an asthmatic, I believed that this was the best way to escape my problems, and no one would ever find me in this remote location.
My husband and I had moved to this place …
Read more…
I now understand. As soon as I clocked out for the last time, I started to breathe again. The race, the rat race, everything is fast-paced and there’s no time to breathe when you’re in it.
But now I have time, and I don’t know what to do with it. I sleep, I wake up, I make some coffee, walk the dogs, and the rest of the day is empty. I …
Read more…
I treat myself to the same restaurant for breakfast once or twice a month. There she is again, the same waitress with those same sad eyes. She knows my name, but I don’t know hers. Sometimes she has a bruise on her forehead or bruises up and down her arms, and I can see through her makeup.
My heart aches because even though I don’t know her, I know her. It’s …
Read more…
I finally found time after retirement to clean out my nurse’s book bag. It contained items such as a stethoscope, extra playing cards for patients, highlighters, various pens, a penlight, a notebook with important phone numbers throughout the health care system, tourniquets for IVs, and a plastic whistle.
This health care system, which has a revenue of $5 billion per year and spans throughout America, is quite complex. Let me explain.
The …
Read more…