How divorce helped this physician [PODCAST]

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“I now say getting divorced was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Through that painful circumstance, I rediscovered me. I learned more about myself and my ability to do hard things than at any point in my life since medical training. I’m not the same person that I was before my divorce, and that’s OK. I’m more confident, decisive, and self-assured. Those are all qualities that not only benefit me, but benefit my patients as well.

Because of my divorce, my patients now get Dr. Trina Dorrah, version 2.0, and we are all better off because of that.”

Trina E. Dorrah is an internal medicine physician and can be reached at Dr Trina Dorrah Life Coaching.

She shares her story and discusses her KevinMD article, “How divorce helped this physician.”

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Hosted by Kevin Pho, MD, The Podcast by KevinMD shares the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from.

Transcript

Kevin Pho: Hi, and welcome to the show, where we share the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from. My name is Kevin Pho, founder and editor of KevinMD. Today on the show, we have Trina Dorrah. She is an internal medicine hospitalist and a life coach. She wrote the KevinMD article “How divorce helped this physician.” Trina, welcome to the show.

Trina E. Dorrah: Hi, thank you for having me.

Kevin Pho: We’ll get into the article in a little bit, but first off, can you share your story and your journey to where you are today?

Trina E. Dorrah: Yes. So as you mentioned, I am an internal medicine hospitalist, and I’ve been doing that for several years. And I wrote the article particularly about my divorce. I met my ex-husband during my fourth year of medical school, and we got married the day after I graduated from medical school. We were married for about seven years, and the marriage ended in divorce, obviously.

And so I always knew from the very beginning that I wanted to use that experience to help other people. I’m always drawn to people who use their own personal hardships to help others. I’ve always just been fascinated by that and people who are able to do that, and so thankful that people are willing to share their stories. And so I always knew from the beginning that I wanted to be somebody who was very open about my divorce, so that I could use it to help others.

Kevin Pho: So tell me how that experience affected you as a person, and also you professionally as well.

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So in the article, I talked a lot about how there was so much shame. And I think as physicians, obviously, we’re very high-achieving people, and we are not used to failing at anything. And so whenever you get divorced, it can feel like a failure, and so that was how I felt. And so it really affected me, because this was a new experience, failing at something. There was a lot of shame around it, and I didn’t really want to talk about it at first. I didn’t want other people to know. I didn’t want my colleagues, the nurses at work, to know that my marriage had not worked out.

Now I have a very different view on it, and I do think that it’s OK for physicians to reach out. It’s OK for physicians to tell other people about their divorce and look for support. So many people have gone through it, and that was something that I realized once I started talking about it: There are a lot of other people and other physicians I met who had gone through the same thing. But initially, I thought it was something that I had to hide.

Kevin Pho: So as you were going through the divorce, did you have any support, and were you still working full time as a hospitalist during that experience?

Trina E. Dorrah: Yes, I was still working, and I did have support, a lot of different kinds of support. So I joined support groups of other divorced women. I had a therapist. I also hired a coach to help me as well. I had family, friends, and support through my religious community. So I did have a lot of different support.

Kevin Pho: A lot of physicians, as you said, are also undergoing divorce, unfortunately. Now, what are some tips that you could share with them, for those who are undergoing similar experiences?

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So one of the things I always tell people is to not be so worried about the fear. I had so much fear of the unknown. So even though I knew it was a bad relationship, I knew it was unhealthy, and that it really wasn’t good for me to stay, I was so afraid of what the other side was going to look like. And so I convinced myself that maybe it was better to just stick with this horrible situation, because I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t have the faith in myself that I could handle it.

And so that’s one thing that I always talk to people about, is not allowing themselves to just live in the fear. We can do hard things. We are stronger than we think we are, and you can get through this. There are so many people who have gone through divorce and come out successfully on the other side. And in fact, I actually look at my divorce now as one of the best things that ever happened to me, but of course, I had to go through that process. And so now when I look back on it, I just think about how much extra time I stayed just because I was so afraid of what was on the other side. Now I’m on the other side, and I’m like, “Well, why was I so afraid? This is so much better.”

Kevin Pho: So you said that divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to you. I was wondering, can you share a story of how divorce has benefited you professionally as a physician?

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So I think whenever I was married, and this happens to a lot of people in marriage, you end up losing your voice, right? So I kind of molded myself to fit into the marriage, to try to make it work, and I really lost who I was. And so whenever I exited the marriage, I didn’t have the highest self-esteem. I just wasn’t really sure of who I was.

And so I think going through that process of having to deal with the grief of divorce, and I mean, it’s painful, and then having to figure out how to work through that and come out on the other side of that definitely has made me a better physician. I no longer am as scared. I don’t have any problem expressing my opinions, speaking up, expressing my voice. My self-esteem is so much better than it was before.

And I think a lot of times in just medicine in general, just the process of medicine often tears us down. You enter into medicine thinking you’re the smartest, and you go to med school, and you’re like, “Oh, wait, look at all these people who are so smart.” Then you go to residency, and it’s very easy to kind of be torn down in that process. And then you’re in a bad marriage, and you’re torn down even further. But going through that process of having to get through it and heal does change you, and I do think I’m a stronger person now than I was before. So I’m able to deal with challenges better, obstacles, etc.

Kevin Pho: Did you confide in any of your colleagues or anyone at your workplace as you were going through this?

Trina E. Dorrah: So I actually did not really confide in anybody at the beginning. People start to notice things, though, after a while. Your spouse doesn’t show up anymore, you stop wearing your wedding ring, and then there were a couple of people that I did speak to about it. But again, initially, I just had so much fear and shame over the fact that it didn’t work out that I just tried to handle it alone, or talk to other women who were going through the same thing, who I met through support groups, who were completely outside of my job.

I had a lot of fear that people would think that it would impact my abilities at work, and so I didn’t want people to know I was going through it, because I didn’t ever want anybody whispering, saying, “Oh, well, she’s getting divorced.” And so because of that, I did choose isolation, which probably in retrospect may not have been the best thing. I remember one time I did open up to a physician, and she said, “Oh, I’ve been divorced too.” And I remember being like, “Oh, wow,” and look at her today, and look at how well she’s doing. And then that provided me with a lot of hope.

Kevin Pho: After reflecting on this experience, is there anything that you would do differently?

Trina E. Dorrah: You know, I would say that I would not have probably stayed in the bad relationship so long, because I stayed out of fear. And so reflecting on that experience, I think that after we tried all the things, tried the counseling, etc., and knew it wasn’t going to work, I think I would have moved on a little bit more quickly if I hadn’t been so afraid. So now I don’t have those same fears like I had before. So if I ever were to get divorced again, which hopefully I won’t, I wouldn’t stay out of fear.

Kevin Pho: So you mentioned, in terms of resources, you talked about therapy, you talked about life coaching. Now, any other physician-specific resources you could recommend to other clinicians who may be going through divorce?

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So the things I did, I did several different things. And so even just from my own journaling, right? So that was one of the very first things I did: I got a journal, and I used to journal every single day, because the journal is always there. Friends aren’t always there. The therapist isn’t always there. But your journal is always there, 24/7. And so I would always be writing and getting my thoughts out on paper.

And then, like I said, I joined a support group with other divorced women. I hired a therapist. I hired a coach. I became involved in my religious community, which really helped. And then I also started reconnecting with friends from college, so I went on some girls’ trips and things like that. So it really was a combination of all of those things.

Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Trina Dorrah. She’s an internal medicine hospitalist, and she wrote the KevinMD article “How divorce helped this physician.” In addition to being a hospitalist, you’re also a life coach. Tell me a little about that transition into life coaching.

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So a couple of years ago, I hired my own life coach, and it was just very transformative. I loved it, and I loved the fact it was actually a man, and I loved the way that he was able to impact people’s lives. And so obviously, we go into medicine because we want to impact people’s lives, and then I was introduced to this other profession where I got to see him impacting people’s lives in this similar way, having the same magnitude of impact as I had as a physician. So I immediately was drawn to coaching and thought it was fascinating, and I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to help divorced women. So as soon as I made the decision to become a coach, I already knew that I wanted to use my skill as a coach to help divorced women.

Kevin Pho: So from some of the experiences that you had being a life coach for divorced women, what are some red flags that some of your clients have shared with you in the past, and what are some things to look out for?

Trina E. Dorrah: So in terms of red flags, one of the biggest ones, I always tell people, is to trust your intuition. So specifically within coaching and within divorce coaching, I have a special interest in infidelity and cheating, simply because that’s part of my story. And so I always tell people to trust your intuition. I think a lot of times when you are in a bad relationship, it can become very easy for that other partner to twist things, maybe even make you think you’re crazy, that you’re not seeing what you’re seeing. And so one piece of advice I have: Trust your intuition.

And then also, I think it’s so important for people to work on their self-concept, their self-esteem, because so much flows from that, right? It’s really hard to make good decisions. It’s really hard to move forward. It’s really hard to heal if you have self-hatred. And so I think working on self-esteem, and I hear a lot of divorced women who say, “I just can’t believe that I stayed. I can’t believe that I put up with that for so long.” And I just really think that working on our self-esteem, our self-concept, is one of the key foundations for healing. You have to love yourself first before you can really make any substantial changes.

Kevin Pho: Now, physicians generally are high-net-worth individuals. Do you have any tips from a financial standpoint when it comes to physicians undergoing divorce?

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So I am not a financial analyst, but I will tell you that there are divorce coaches out there who do have some specialties within finance. So I do think that it’s a good idea to maybe seek out somebody who is either a divorce coach with some expertise in finance or just a financial analyst, a financial divorce analyst, because there are a lot of things that you may not think about, or things that maybe your lawyer does not necessarily incorporate as part of their services.

And whenever you’re going through a divorce, the reason I think it’s just in general important to seek out wise counsel is because when you’re going through a divorce, you’re not always in the best mental space, right? It’s incredibly stressful, emotions are running very high, and you don’t always make the best decisions. Also, I’ve noticed that a lot of times people are going through divorce and they still love their partner. Even though their relationship isn’t working out, they still have love for that person. And I hear women particularly sometimes say, “Well, I don’t think that he would ever try to hurt me financially. I don’t think he would ever be hiding money in accounts,” or things like that.

And so I do think that seeking out wise counsel, objective sources, as you’re going through divorce can be very helpful: seeking out coaching to help you work on your emotional aspect, but then also seeking out people who can help you with the financial side of divorce as well. I think that’s a good idea.

Kevin Pho: And my final question: What’s your take-home message that you want to leave with the KevinMD audience?

Trina E. Dorrah: Right. So I think I just want to let people know that divorce happens, that it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. I don’t think we should think of ourselves as failures simply because we’ve gone through divorce, and I really think that divorce can be the start of something beautiful to come. And that is one thing that, as I was going through the divorce, if you told me that in the future I would look back on my divorce as the start of something amazing, that I’d be very thankful for that experience, I wouldn’t have believed you as I was going through it. But that’s a message I would want to leave with people: Yes, it is terrible, and it can be awful, and all of the things that we think about with divorce, but there can still be good that comes from it. And making sure you take the time to invest in your own emotional healing is key.

Kevin Pho: And how can people reach you?

Trina E. Dorrah: All right, so I do have a website, drtrinadorrah.com. I have a Facebook group, a free Facebook group called Women Moving Beyond Cheating and Divorce. You can always DM me on Facebook, and then on Instagram, I’m at Trina Dorrah.

Kevin Pho: Well, Trina, thank you so much for sharing your time and insight, and thanks again for being on the show.

Trina E. Dorrah: Thank you so much for having me.

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