One of the hardest parts about medical school for me has been the constant pursuit of approval. Having a pass/fail system during pre-clinical years helped ease things some, but there remains a personal desire to prove myself. In front of attendings, all I can focus on is performing my physical exam just right, presenting in the perfect manner, and nailing the assessment and plan. Unfortunately, my strong desire to look good in my evaluators’ eyes has led to missing learning opportunities at times. For example, I often passed up offers to do a procedure I really wanted to do, for fear that I would look bad if I messed up.
It’s tough feeling like you’re always in a position to be judged.
As I find myself in the middle of residency applications, I realize that this feeling of scrutiny has been elevated to a whole new level. And from this point, I’ll be judged on what is already done and how I’ve been evaluated on my rotations over the last few years. I can’t do anything more to change the “me” that those who review my application see. Part of the process is an interview, but it seems as if the interview has been taking place since I began medical school.
I’m extremely grateful for the training and preparation that Stanford has provided me, and I’m confident in my application — but the uncertainty is real. And the way I see it, my success with residency applications isn’t just reflective of me: I want to make my family and the Stanford faculty and mentors who have supported me along the journey proud.
As stressful as this process and the worry about judgment are, though, I’ve been trying to re-focus myself and “check my privilege.” To even be in the position of applying and interviewing for residency is huge. I’m months away from being able to put MD behind my name. As much as I could complain about how hard medical school has been, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful opportunity to be in a position to care for people when they most need it. And, in fact, of all the evaluations that we’re required to seek during a rotation, the ones I value most are from patients and their families.
For me, medicine comes easiest when my patients and their health outcomes are front and center in my mind – not whether I stand out to my team or answer a tough question correctly. And so with my future patients in mind, it’s time to suit up (tie-clip and all). The work’s been done.
Moises Gallegos is a medical student who blogs at Scope, where this article originally appeared.