The looming specter of death exerts significant psychological power over the living. Perhaps the most common ways of coping with our persistent death anxiety are to ignore it, actively deny it, or deliberately distract ourselves from it; but removing our protective blinders ultimately enables us to live a more meaningful and authentic life. If we genuinely wish to live well and to die well, we must intentionally develop our emotional capacity to courageously stare death directly in the eye.
Fear and the illusion of immortality
Although there may be a multitude of reasons to fear death, there are also myriad reasons it should not frighten us. If we accept that we will no longer exist after death, then how could it cause us to suffer, as Epicurus asked?
We might wish that science would one day discover a means to ensure immortality. Yet, further consideration of the ramifications of immortality leads us to abandon this dream in short order. Although there are ways for us to leave a legacy that lives on, actual immortality is neither possible nor truly desirable. Perhaps evolution has hardwired us to attempt to overcome any obstacle that prevents us from clinging to life. Realizing that this innate drive for immortality will ultimately prove futile may feel terrifying. Yet accepting this reality can also be liberating. Our fear of mortality should pale in comparison to the terror of immortality, which would ultimately strip our lives of meaning and destroy the world as we know it.
Returning to the universe
Rather than arising from nothingness, we could also conclude we come from “everythingness,” to which we belong and to which we shall return. Our carbon atoms will merge back into the universe and perhaps be incorporated into the body of a new human being. Death can be viewed as merely part of a positive natural cycle in which our temporary self simply deconstructs into elements that merge with the universe in a different form. Buddhism emphasizes our illusion of permanence as a source of our angst. If the illusion of an unchanging, permanent self causes us angst, then recognizing this belief as mere illusion may replace despair with acceptance and gratitude for the brief time we do have in this world.
The urgency of life
The certainty of our mortality conveys an urgency to life. Evanescence confers meaning to our every word and action as we know our opportunities are limited. It is this very impermanence that forces us to define what is meaningful to us in our fleeting time in this world and to commit ourselves wholeheartedly to what matters most to us.
We must not sit passively as life drifts by. Pursuing passions, living mindfully and in the moment, focusing on one’s strengths, and allowing oneself to be vulnerable and to take risks are among the ways we actively can pursue a full life. We all have a need for loving relationships, meaningful activity, connection to community, and living for something that transcends the mundane.
Defining a good life
Of course, what constitutes “living deeply” or “fully” depends on the individual and is not synonymous merely with excitement but involves living a life the individual finds meaningful. That certainly may include having the boldness to grasp opportunities, as failure to take such chances may lead to regrets later in life. A good life includes living in accord with one’s moral values. A full life may also, perhaps paradoxically, include downtime for reflection and recharging.
We arose from nothingness, and we shall return to nothingness. That insight can trigger desperation but has equal potential to create meaning. With a sense of urgency, we recognize the need to write the narrative of our lives, to try to shape that narrative, to edit it, and ensure a coherent, meaningful story emerges. We want our life’s story to be true to ourselves, true to our goals, true to our dreams. To the extent we achieve that, we achieve what happiness a human being can hope for. A life well lived.
Steve Sobel is a psychiatrist.
