To: [Group: all employees]
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: A fork in the road
Going forward, we will need to be extremely hardcore to streamline a restructured Health care 2.0 and succeed in an increasingly diseased world. This will mean working even longer hours at high intensity. Only exceptional performance will justify a new N95 mask each week.
Health care will also be much more profit-driven. Physicians and nurses will still be very important and report to me, but those writing great bonus-producing policies (for the C-suite) will constitute the majority of our team and have the greatest sway. Health care is a revenue and corporate company at its heart, so I think this makes sense.
If you are sure that you want to be a part of the new Health care 2.0, please click yes on the link.
Anyone who has not done so by 5 p.m. tomorrow (Thursday) will receive three days of Pizza Hut coupons.
Whatever decision you make, thank you for your efforts to make Health care 2.0 profitable.
Your Health care CEO
[signed with my first name to make me appear friendly]
***
To: [Group: all employees]
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: internal memo
Starting tomorrow, every Friday, all hospital employees are required to send me an email update on their work toward cost savings with the subject line structure: “Weekly Update, name, specialty, and date.”
Inside the email, you must include what quality improvement project you are working on, billing policies, if relevant, or summaries of revenue for non-billable work, and what you have been trying to accomplish. (Please note, patient care does not count).
Looking forward to making our hospital the highest-performing Health care MBA company in the world. Hardcore!
***
To: [Group: All Employees]
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: another internal memo
Starting immediately, we are discontinuing all programs for employee wellness and CME. I wanted to cut childcare but was told we’ve never provided that. Lucky for you!
Programs will be reevaluated over time and may be added back when the company’s financial situation improves. More hardcore!
***
To: [Group: All Employees]
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: where did everyone go?
Anyone who actually practices medicine, please report to the 10th-floor ICU immediately. Also, anyone who knows how to run something called “ECMO.”
Jennifer Lycette is a novelist, award-winning essayist, rural hematology-oncology physician, wife, and mom (to three humans and two of the canine persuasion). She can be reached on Twitter @JL_Lycette, Mastodon @[email protected], and LinkedIn. Her first novel, The Algorithm Will See You Now (Black Rose Writing Press), a near-future medical thriller, is now available for preorder at https://bit.ly/THEALGORITHM.
