“If you have never heard the term ‘financial infidelity,’ it doesn’t mean you don’t know what it is. In fact, according to a recent creditcards.com survey, 32 percent of respondents have financially cheated on their partners. Both finances and cheating can be complex subjects to discuss, even with and, sometimes especially with, those closest to you. Not surprisingly, this topic is pertinent to physicians and dentists because they tend to have more money available.

In hopes that if there are any seeds of financial secrecy in your relationship, you can identify them, you can admit it, and you can begin to weed that garden of your relationship before it gets out of hand. And if you see financial infidelity or the signs of it in a close friend or family member, perhaps you’ll be better equipped to help them make decisions to strengthen their relationship instead of destroying it.”

Shane Tenny is a certified financial planner.

He shares his story and discusses his KevinMD article, “Financial infidelity: It’s not about the money, it’s about trust.”

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Hosted by Kevin Pho, MD, The Podcast by KevinMD shares the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from.

Transcript

Kevin Pho: Hi, and welcome to the show, where we share the stories of the many who intersect with our health care system but are rarely heard from. My name is Kevin Pho, founder and editor of KevinMD. Rate and review the show at KevinMD.com/rate. Subscribe at KevinMD.com/follow. Today on our show, we have Shane Tenny. He is a certified financial planner, and he wrote the KevinMD article “Financial infidelity: It’s not about the money, it’s about trust.” Shane, welcome to the show.

Shane Tenny: Thanks so much, Kevin. Glad to be here.

Kevin Pho: So we’re going to do the article in a little bit, but first off, can you just share your story and journey to where you are today?

Shane Tenny: Yeah, sure. So, as you mentioned, I’m a certified financial planner. I’m the managing partner at Spaugh Dameron Tenny. We’re a financial planning firm that works with physicians all over the country on personal finance. And I also host my own podcast, The Prosperous Doc podcast, where this topic of financial infidelity came up a couple of years ago in working with clients, and there was recent research on the topic that came out, which is kind of what prompted the blog.

Kevin Pho: And as you talk to clinicians and other health care professionals, what would you say is the number-one red flag that you typically see when it comes to personal finance?

Shane Tenny: Yeah, well, related to this topic at hand, the number-one red flag is really just a disconnection between a couple that’s not on the same page, either with their goals, their long-term objectives, or how they’re working toward those. And so if I had a dollar for every time clients have said, “Would you please tell my significant other X, Y, Z, or explain this to them?” I think, you know, a lot more dollars, for sure. But just not being on the same page is one of the key red flags that there’s a need to bring them together, refocus, and re-center, either where they’re heading or how they’re trying to get there.

Kevin Pho: And I’ve done a lot of personal finance for clinicians on this podcast and on my blog, but the term financial infidelity is somewhat new. So let’s talk more about that. You wrote that in your KevinMD article, “Financial infidelity: It’s not about the money, it’s about trust.” So talk more about that concept of financial infidelity, and summarize your article.

Shane Tenny: Yeah, it’s an interesting one. I think the vocabulary is a little new, even though, of course, the event is not. We see it showing up even in some of the popular press, and as I’ve alluded to, there was research done earlier this year, or distributed earlier this year, from U.S. News & World Report and CreditCards.com, which shows that financial infidelity occurs in about a third of all couples.

And so when I talk about it, or I’m interviewed on the topic, I think most people have some idea. The word infidelity means something to us, and cheating with money, research shows, is as painful as cheating on your relationship. At its core, I think financial infidelity is really just when a couple who has an understanding, a mutual understanding of combined finances, lies about what they’re doing with their money. Sometimes the lie can be overt, and sometimes it can be covert. But either way, there’s the assumption that we’re doing this thing together, and then the actuality is that we’re not. One of the couple is doing something on the side.

And like I say, it’s more common than a lot of people realize. We see the research showing that it’s more prevalent among younger couples, Gen Z and millennials, than Gen X and baby boomers. But nonetheless, it’s out there, and it’s really significant and can have a profound impact on a relationship.

Kevin Pho: Now, as it relates specifically to health care professionals, can you share some stories or give some case studies or examples of what you typically see?

Shane Tenny: Oh, for sure. So I guess I’d say, generally, when we talk about financial infidelity, people kind of have a little bit of a preconceived notion: “Oh, that must mean the secret credit card.” And it certainly manifests that way very often, where one spouse will obtain a credit card, and then they’re able to engage in whatever type of spending they feel entitled to or want to pursue. And so the spending angle is a very real one.

It’s also important to realize, though, that we also see it showing up in two other ways. So not only spending, but also savings. Sometimes there’s a scenario where a spouse feels a strong compulsion to save or to pursue an investment strategy: among the clinician community, a conversation in the doctors’ lounge about a new cryptocurrency, or a desire to invest in a surgery center or a real estate project. And you know your spouse wouldn’t be excited about that, or would object in some regard, and so you’re going to pursue it anyway. And so, in some ways, with the saving, you hope it’s going to turn into something constructive for your family, but you don’t know, and the bottom line is you’re engaging in it in secrecy. So that would be kind of that covert lie by omission there.

And then the third way that we sometimes see is actually financial infidelity through giving or lending. This shows up often with clinicians, who are frequently the most financially stable in their extended family. And so we see a family member coming to them and saying, “Would you be willing to cosign on a loan?” or “Would you be willing to lend me money to start a restaurant, or to take care of this circumstance?” or whatever. And again, that would cause marital stress if it was discussed. And so there’s this secret loan or secret gift on the side that doesn’t get discovered until later. So, just to recap that angle of it, again, financial infidelity can show up in secret spending, but also in secret savings, or secret giving or lending.

I think doctors have a unique ability to engage in this, or to manifest it, because for those in private practice, they not only have the personal checking account, but they have a business checking account as well. And so I can think of a year or so ago, a conversation with a couple where the husband was the physician, and the spouse said, “Oh, we used to get better bonuses, but we haven’t gotten a bonus in, like, a year.” Well, I knew the finances, and so it piqued my curiosity. I said, “Tell me a little about what you’re seeing.” And, in fact, what was happening was that the working physician spouse wasn’t distributing bonuses to himself anymore, because he was doing things within the practice and using that excess production, those excess collections, for other financial decisions that he wanted to pursue that he didn’t want running through the family checking account. And so that’s one of the symptoms that sometimes manifests, one that reveals this lack of togetherness in making financial decisions.

Kevin Pho: So tell me, what are some of the repercussions that you’ve seen in physician or clinician couples when one partner finds out about the other’s financial infidelity? What normally happens next that you’ve seen?

Shane Tenny: Well, what happens next is not pretty. I mean, it’s betrayal. Just like traditional cheating, there is a real sense of betrayal and anger and grief, frustration. And I think the magnitude of those depends both on the magnitude of the decision-making and on the people involved, and what the expectation and understanding was. And so if you have a younger couple that maybe were both in a professional working career and had their own finances and came into a relationship, and then there’s some decision-making that they weren’t on the same page about, that can cause small ripples. If you have a couple that’s been married for a longer period of time, or has a different level of understanding, it can be big. But yeah, I’ve sat through some really difficult conversations.

And I think what we’re seeing is, you know, about 10 percent of the time, it ends the relationship. And so it’s really, really important, because, as you referenced in the title of our article, at the core, it’s not about the money. It’s about the trust. And that is, in fact, the glue that holds all relationships together. So when the trust is violated, as a friend of mine said once, “It’s hard to make deposits into the trust account of a relationship, but withdrawals come really quickly.” And so when you make a big withdrawal, it can really strain a relationship.

Kevin Pho: Now, from your perspective as a certified financial planner, what are some things clinician couples can do to prevent getting themselves into that situation?

Shane Tenny: Well, that is, in fact, a great question. I guess I’d maybe even take one step back a little bit to say, how do you avoid getting in that situation? And I think one of the best ways to avoid being in the situation is to have the self-awareness to know what’s going on in yourself and in your relationship.

And so if I channel my inner psychologist, I think what we’d see is that the tendency to hide in this type of decision-making, which I’ve called a lack of trust, often stems from some sort of inner shame or inner contempt. And so, are you making decisions, or are you feeling compelled to make decisions, out of an inner sense of shame or embarrassment or desire? Linked to that, from a psychology standpoint, is contempt, right? Do you feel entitled or angry or controlled or manipulated, and so, “I’m just going to do this thing anyway”? If those are motivators in your decision-making, then it is so helpful, though not easy, to perhaps begin working with a therapist on those inner drivers, and working on those issues in your marriage first.

With that said, if you’re listening to this, or you have a friend and you’re thinking, “Oh, this is what they’re going through,” and it’s already in place, then, you know, there’s nothing that roots out problems like sunlight. And so, beginning to shine a light on this. I would say that, again, depending on the magnitude, the expectations, and the degree of hurt, there are maybe three different levels of approach, starting with openness, honesty, vulnerability, humility, and just naming what is. Sometimes just by coming together to reform both common goals and common rules for how we want to use our money, that can reestablish enough trust. We see this happen a lot with couples, particularly those that are engaged in a financial planning relationship. You already have a neutral party involved.

And so having a common set of rules can be helpful. For example, that might be something like saying, “Listen, going forward, neither of us is going to spend more than a certain amount of money without asking the other.” And that amount would obviously depend on whatever feels important to you. Maybe it’s 100 bucks, maybe it’s 1,000 bucks. But it’s not punitive either way. We’re both committing to the same thing because we want to be together.

That alone may not be enough. And so I already mentioned sometimes having a third party involved, whether it’s a financial planner who is trusted by both of you, or a family member or friend or something like that, who can just be part of the conversation to help establish trust. And certainly, at the highest level, counseling is helpful. I’m a huge fan. I’ve been seeing a counselor for years, and I think it’s helpful for my own thinking in my own relationship, and it certainly can be really helpful in this regard.

Kevin Pho: Now, again, from your perspective as a certified financial planner, I’m sure that there are some couples where one person takes the majority of the responsibility when it comes to finances, and other couples where it’s more joint. When it comes to clinicians and other health care professionals, does that disproportionate responsibility sometimes play a role that can lead to financial infidelity?

Shane Tenny: Your thesis is spot-on, I would say, in all couples. Well, I think we’ve all learned not to use the words always and never. So I’ll say in most couples, whether you’re in medicine or whether you’re not, there’s generally one money spouse and one not-money spouse. And with that said, there’s often one long-term thinking spouse and one short-term thinking spouse. So one spouse is dealing with the day-to-day, and maybe the other isn’t engaged at all, or maybe it’s the other that kind of thinks long term: college planning, retirement, that sort of thing. That is true across the continuum, regardless of profession.

Within clinician couples, what we see differs a little bit depending on whether it’s married docs or whether there’s one physician in the household and then a non-working spouse. And so often, because of the demands of medicine, in a household where you have a non-working spouse and a medical provider, it’s the non-working spouse that often ends up having the responsibility for the day-to-day management, the tactical decisions, balancing the checkbook, paying the credit card, dealing with the bills, those sorts of things.

And so that creates its own unique level of stress, different from this topic of financial infidelity, because you have the one spouse who’s creating the income. The other spouse has the time and the ability, or at least the time, I guess I should say, to have to make decisions, but perhaps neither of them has a high level of acumen. And so you have the physician looking at the other, saying, “What are we doing here?” “Well, I don’t really know. I’m doing the best I can.” So there’s its own level of stress in that regard.

If you have married docs, then the challenges are sometimes pronounced, because neither of them has the time, and if neither has the real inclination, then you really just have a very, very important part of life that isn’t being appropriately addressed.

Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Shane Tenny. He’s a certified financial planner. He wrote the KevinMD article “Financial infidelity: It’s not about the money, it’s about trust.” Shane, what are some of your take-home messages that you want to leave with the KevinMD audience?

Shane Tenny: I think the take-home message is to pay attention to your relationship before there’s a problem. If you sense the need, either in yourself or in your significant other, to hide, to be afraid, to make decisions that aren’t collaborative in nature, then don’t wait. Look for the appropriate way to bring the right attitude of humility and honesty, and open that up so that it can be weeded out of the garden of your relationship before it turns into a problem.

Kevin Pho: Shane, thank you so much for sharing your time and insight. Thanks again for being on the show.

Shane Tenny: Appreciate it, Kevin.