Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Looking across the glass door: a COVID-19 vigil

Katarine Egressy, MD, MPH
Conditions
April 18, 2022
Share
Tweet
Share

A small piece of lint is tickling my nose as I am desperately trying not to sneeze into the tight-fitting mask on my face. I know that I will not be able to adjust the mask as my gloves are sterile, and I am standing suspended over a patient’s body with my gloves patinaed with small drips of blood mixed with an antiseptic. The procedure is challenging as the patient is lying on their stomach, and the angles are all wrong. The distant hum of the negative pressure filter combined with the intense heat of multiple layers of protective equipment donned with care creates constant steam rising around me, making the sweat drops rivulet down my back, into my goggles, and yes, into my mask. I finally inhale and, not unexpectedly, choke on the piece of lint and proceed to double over with a coughing fit that is poorly timed on my part. The patient is still there, the procedure half done, and everyone in the room is stunned into silence by my uncontrollable coughing.

Stunned expressions can no longer be found in the medical intensive care unit. The surprise and innocent platter of day-to-day life in the “unit,” as we referred to it, has been replaced by mostly silence and heavy sighs and, yes, tears. The daily routine continues as patient care remains paramount in all our minds, but the bodies are heavy, and spirits are filled with dark weight that seems like an oil slick. One you cannot see through or breakthrough, although it looks thin and innocent on the surface.

The medical intensive care unit is where one least wants to be; however, it needs to be when things are dire and serious. Although the space is filled with light, coming from the large windows of each patient’s room, it permanently feels like working under dank, muddy water, the light dimmed, filtered through emotions of despair, constant grief, and occasional jubilation. Wins are still celebrated as life continues, but losses are many. So many that some cannot simply go on as it feels that all of this could have been avoided, just a dream, we wake up and the last two years never existed, evaporated in sweat and negative pressure, simply wicked away.

The glass door opens, separating the hallway and the inside of the room, and reality floods in. The patient is quiet on the respirator, a machine that blows oxygen into the lungs and sweeps carbon dioxide out, helping and complimenting the lung function that is severely impaired and ravaged by the virus. The machine is physically divided into two parts so the dials and controls can be acted upon from the hallway and tubing and hardware that attach to the patient inside the room—separated by glass doors without needing to walk into the room. My colleague from respiratory therapy sits quietly outside of the space in front of the dials of the respirator machine, making the smallest adjustments to allow better oxygen delivery for the patient who is desperately fighting for their life.

The fight is a lonely battle. Interrupted by hourly nursing care, heavy medications to sedate and remove the pain, countless sticks of blood, tests, images, trips to the CT scanners and procedures, all alone. Zoom meetings with loved ones, quietly looking into the battle or emotionally overcome crying on the other end of the screen, only mere minutes of the long twenty-four hours, day after day. Although a lonely fight, it is certainly well witnessed, enveloped, and supported by all the health care staff who witness this battle every day. We bear witness while outside the glass door, outside of the hospital doors, voices, shouts, and screams defy our knowledge of reality and tell us that it is not true. That we made it up. That no one is dying. As we bear witness.

The procedure is all done and successfully finished. The patient is stable for now, suspended in a medically induced coma to allow life to continue and hopefully persevere, so all can bear witness. After the fight, after they leave the intensive care unit and return to their lives after returning to their routines and daily chores, will they?

I systematically and carefully take off my sterile and protective equipment and open the glass door. A whoosh of air enters the negative pressure room as I exit. It feels fresh on my sweaty, grimy face, and I instinctively lick my lips, remembering that I have not drunk any water today or had to use the bathroom. It feels like hope on my face. I take a deep breath and step outside, finish cleaning up and look into the eyes of my colleagues standing outside of the doorway. The eyes are the only part that I can see, as everyone is masked and typically wears some form of protective equipment, but the eyes say it all. Gratitude is what I want to send to those eyes, for bearing witness, for being there, for doing what’s right, time, after time, after time … healing, to the best of our abilities, and opening doors.

Katarine Egressy is a pulmonary and critical care physician.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Reduce your loneliness, improve your well-being, and take the first step

April 18, 2022 Kevin 0
…
Next

Pfizer and Moderna must share vaccine technology [PODCAST]

April 18, 2022 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: COVID, Critical Care, Infectious Disease

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Reduce your loneliness, improve your well-being, and take the first step
Next Post >
Pfizer and Moderna must share vaccine technology [PODCAST]

Related Posts

  • COVID-19 becomes a magnifying glass for health disparities

    Ni-Cheng Liang, MD
  • How to get patients vaccinated against COVID-19 [PODCAST]

    The Podcast by KevinMD
  • COVID-19 divides and conquers

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • State sanctioned executions in the age of COVID-19

    Kasey Johnson, DO
  • A patient’s COVID-19 reflections

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Starting medical school in the midst of COVID-19

    Horacio Romero Castillo

More in Conditions

  • Proposed USPSTF guideline update: Advocating for earlier breast cancer screening at age 40

    Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian
  • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

    Alice S. Y. Lee, MD
  • Urgent innovation needed to address growing mental health crisis among children and families

    Monika Roots, MD
  • The importance of listening in health care: a mother’s journey advocating for children with chronic Lyme disease

    Cheryl Lazarus
  • The unjust reality of racial disparities in pediatric kidney transplants

    Lien Morcate
  • The surprising medical mystery of a “good” Hitler: How a rescued kitten revealed a rare movement disorder

    Teresella Gondolo, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the global pandemic threat: insights into risk factors and urgent measures for prevention

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Policy
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Empowering Black nurses for lasting change [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Novel IDH1/2 Inhibitor Shows 'Dramatic Effect' in Low-Grade Glioma
  • Nivolumab-AVD Boosts PFS in Untreated Hodgkin Lymphoma
  • 'You Can't Yoga Your Way Out of This': What We Heard This Week
  • New Standard in Operable EGFR-Positive Lung Cancer
  • New Ovarian Cancer Drug Extends Survival in Resistant Disease

Meeting Coverage

  • Novel IDH1/2 Inhibitor Shows 'Dramatic Effect' in Low-Grade Glioma
  • Nivolumab-AVD Boosts PFS in Untreated Hodgkin Lymphoma
  • New Standard in Operable EGFR-Positive Lung Cancer
  • New Ovarian Cancer Drug Extends Survival in Resistant Disease
  • Neoadjuvant Chemo Flops Versus Upfront Surgery for Resectable Pancreatic Cancer
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Physician entrepreneurs offer hope for burned out doctors

      Cindy Rubin, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • We need a new Hippocratic Oath that puts patient autonomy first

      Jeffrey A. Singer, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the intricate link between housing costs and health care

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Policy
    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
  • Past 6 Months

    • It’s time to replace the 0 to 10 pain intensity scale with a better measure

      Mark Sullivan, MD and Jane Ballantyne, MD | Conditions
    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
  • Recent Posts

    • Fixing the system and prioritizing patient care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From medical student to intern: Discovering a deeper connection with patients

      Johnathan Yao, MD, MPH | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the global pandemic threat: insights into risk factors and urgent measures for prevention

      Ton La, Jr., MD, JD | Policy
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
    • Empowering Black nurses for lasting change [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...