Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

We must start looking for drowning colleagues

Allyson Hart, MD
Physician
January 7, 2022
2K Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

I opened my email recently and blurted out a heartbroken expletive that I can’t print here. Another member of our health care family had died by suicide. I didn’t know them well, nor had I known our colleague who died from suicide just a few months before, but I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. An image came again that has been arising in my head, repeatedly and unbidden, of someone drowning.

Drowning prevention campaigns remind us that it is typically silent and unremarkable, unlike the flailing arms and loud cries portrayed on television. Someone right next to you in the water could be in distress, and you can miss it if you aren’t actively looking. It turns out, facing suicide feels a lot like looking up at the blue sky from two inches under the water’s surface, struggling to breathe, and trying to find the energy to pull yourself up for air. Feeling invisible to those around you, at some point, you’re too exhausted to swim anymore.

November brought a personal anniversary that, until recently, had been steadily fading in significance as my fulfilling life has been lived. Eighteen years later, there is no great milestone to reflect on. But I am watching too many friends and colleagues fight to keep their heads above the water. The smoldering problem of an unacceptably high suicide risk in medical providers has blossomed into an emergent 5-alarm fire. We are in an epidemic of psychological drowning that we must face head-on.

I’ve found myself exploring the memories of my anniversary more deeply in an attempt to see what went right and what went wrong. It’s not a pleasant memory. Its tenderness, only partially dulled with time, makes it one I don’t visit often. While I’ll continue to hold some details carefully and close, the rest of this story feels too important to keep private anymore.

As a fourth-year medical student, I had already been taking sertraline to address the fact that I had started daydreaming about lethal accidents. However, I hadn’t yet faced the relentless perfectionism and insidious self-loathing that I had mistaken for healthy self-improvement and striving for excellence. One evening, concern about what would happen to my cat paused my suicide attempt long enough for me to consider reaching out to someone. That November night in 2003, I called my sister two states away to let her know how close I had come. It wasn’t until I heard her voice crack that it even occurred to me anyone would really care if I was gone. This call initiated a flurry of pain and panic that ended in my escort by police to the San Francisco General Hospital psychiatric emergency department, while they mused that it didn’t make any sense for someone doing as well as I was to kill themselves.

The psych ED was cold. I awaited my disposition in the tiny “women’s” room off the large main “men’s” area, where three of us attempted to get some sleep in hospital recliners. At some point that night, one of my psych-mates finally got a bed in the inpatient unit upstairs. I awoke to them covering me with their blanket as they were leaving. That moment remains one of the best memories of my life, the realization that even the most broken people can have such beautiful spirits and lift others up. The next “surprising benefits of mental illness” moment of my life happened a few months later, when I got up the courage to attend a support group for medical students with mental illness, only (to both our great surprise) to run into the other medical student on my rotation. There are just so many of us. She remains to this day one of my dearest friends.

Too many of us are struggling to swim right now. Too many of us have not been seen and offered a hand, and too little has changed in 18 years. We must start looking for drowning colleagues, not waiting for them to decide whether to end their lives or call for help. We must treat this like the emergency that it is.

Eighteen years ago, the general response from the few I told about my suicide attempt was surprise, because I was doing so well at school even as I was silently drowning. Eighteen years ago, I hid that I was in therapy with the secrecy worthy of a dead body in my closet. Eighteen years ago, I needed to hear these things in no uncertain terms, so I will say them to all of you reading now who feel your faces slipping under the water:

We see you.

You are not alone.

You are worthy of a helping hand.

You don’t need to be on the edge of survival to get help.

Mental illness is common in medicine.

Mental illness makes you neither weak nor a bad doctor, nurse, or advanced practice provider.

You can have a wonderful and fulfilling life even after all of this.

You may even find that you will have the opportunity to provide someone else with a warm blanket or that you have developed the power to spot a drowning colleague, reach out, and grab their hand before they slip too far beneath the water’s surface. As Leonard Cohen reminds us: Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

Please. We see you. Hold out your hand.

For a resource, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Allyson Hart is a nephrologist.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Hello, health care organization leader, are you listening? [PODCAST]

January 6, 2022 Kevin 0
…
Next

Covaxin: Doomed to the dugout or ready to join the field of vaccine options?

January 7, 2022 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Psychiatry

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Hello, health care organization leader, are you listening? [PODCAST]
Next Post >
Covaxin: Doomed to the dugout or ready to join the field of vaccine options?

Related Posts

  • Start with the students: Addressing the future of physician suicide

    Anonymous
  • Burnout doesn’t start in medical school

    Anna Goshua
  • Wellness initiatives can start in the medical library

    Sheryl Ramer
  • To those looking to support their black colleagues

    Jasmine Arrington
  • How to start reversing the clinician shortage today

    Timothy Lee, MPH
  • A physician’s addiction to social media

    Amanda Xi, MD

More in Physician

  • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

    Dr. Damane Zehra
  • The Iranian diaspora’s fight for liberty: Overcoming challenges in the largest women’s rights movement of our century

    Montreh Tavakkoli, MD
  • The harmful effects of shaming patients for self-education

    Maryanna Barrett, MD
  • The power of self-appreciation: Why physicians need to start acknowledging their own contributions

    Wendy Schofer, MD
  • Skydiving and surgery: How one doctor translates high-stress training to saving lives

    Alexandra Kharazi, MD
  • Don’t be caught off guard: Read your malpractice policy today

    Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Laura Fortner, MD
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • The psychoanalytic hammer: lessons in listening and patient-centered care

      Greg Smith, MD | Conditions
    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • Safe sex for seniors: Dispelling myths and embracing safe practices [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming Parkinson’s: a journey of laughter and resilience

      Cynthia Poire Mathews, FNP | Conditions
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Maximize sleep efficiency with stimulus control

      Pedram Navab, DO | Conditions
    • The Iranian diaspora’s fight for liberty: Overcoming challenges in the largest women’s rights movement of our century

      Montreh Tavakkoli, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 6 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • How This Doctor Found Purpose After a Devastating Injury
  • House Lawmakers Squabble Over HHS Budget
  • Infant Formula Crisis Exposed FDA and Industry Failings, Lawmakers Say
  • Building Vaccine Trust Among the General Public
  • Is It Business as Usual for the Drug Industry?

Meeting Coverage

  • Phase III Trials 'Hit a Home Run' in Advanced Endometrial Cancer
  • Cannabis Use Common in Post-Surgery Patients on Opioid Tapering
  • Less Abuse With Extended-Release Oxycodone, Poison Center Data Suggest
  • Novel Strategies Show Winning Potential in Ovarian Cancer
  • Children Do Well With Fewer Opiates After Surgery
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • The psychoanalytic hammer: lessons in listening and patient-centered care

      Greg Smith, MD | Conditions
    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • Safe sex for seniors: Dispelling myths and embracing safe practices [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming Parkinson’s: a journey of laughter and resilience

      Cynthia Poire Mathews, FNP | Conditions
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Maximize sleep efficiency with stimulus control

      Pedram Navab, DO | Conditions
    • The Iranian diaspora’s fight for liberty: Overcoming challenges in the largest women’s rights movement of our century

      Montreh Tavakkoli, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

We must start looking for drowning colleagues
6 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...