Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Dirt masks and couples massages: My trauma bonds in medical school

Micaela Stevenson
Education
October 6, 2021
Share
Tweet
Share

While I am commonly considered to be a friendly person, I never had very many friends. This was likely because I was too much. I am was too brown, too bookish, too loud, too assertive, just too much in every single category. It was hard for people to accept me, and I gave up early on in high school to make friends. I fell in where I could, my boyfriends took care of me, and I had a very big family to care for me. But things were different when I found my friends in medical school. Like-minded young women who were stressed out and too much for every single category—many too brown, too big, too loud, too sassy, too assertive, too hard working. We were not loved before until we found each other.

We dove into each other. We spent all day working hard and preparing for exams, but the evenings were for wine, filling out applications, and writing papers with each other, each sitting in our own little world, peaking over our laptops to lament about our days. On Friday nights, we’d go to bars, go dancing, or have game night and wine with husbands and boyfriends. We shared everything with each other—clothes, wine, food, and time. We were each other’s allies.

When we were supposed to be getting couples massages with out-of-town lovers or boyfriends who were happy to see us, we got massages with each other. We got cupcakes with each other. We did dirt masks and face masks and manicures together. We talk about the babies we wanted and felt compelled to have. We would introduce new boyfriends to the team of lovely doctors to be, and then while we ran to the bathroom, they would grill the new boyfriend to be. This made me grin every time I thought of how these women protected me, quickly sacrificing their egos and their presentations to think about me and to save me. These were the first people to point out that I was in an abusive relationship and to help me to find a way out of it. These were the women to offer their guest bedrooms indefinitely and rides to work when I had nothing. The people who watched my cat when I was out of town and the people who had keys to my home. The people who would literally pick me up off the floor and the people whose apartments I let myself into to make sure they were okay. We checked in regularly about sleeping and eating. We made sure all of us were eating and still drinking. There was cake brought in after funerals and lasagnas made when we were too tired to cook for ourselves. There was love in all the corners of the friendships. These were the people who understood me better than anyone. People who knew where I was at all times. These were my ride-or-die friends.

These friends were the best friends I ever hoped to have. These were the friends I hope I would make as my lifelong friends—the friends I didn’t know that I would ever make. The friends who had my back in every corner. The friends I made who would love me every day of every moment. My friends who stood up for me in the middle of awful arguments with professors who would marginalize me. The people who stood by me no matter what.

But, these were trauma bonds. These bonds are unstable. These are bonds that are formed in the presence of the immense trauma we know from going to medical school. We have seen so much hurt from our rotations. The humiliation we face on the wards, the pain we face from failure when our success is what has defined all of us. We know that we are the only ones who will ever know each other well enough to comfort each other. We live vicariously through each other, ensuring that we treat the suffering in others we see in ourselves.

Medicine is a scary place. While I love each of these friends that I have made, it saddens me that we go to where we got from here. Our friendships were our only way of trying to comfort ourselves when there were few other people who were there to comfort us. We told each other that we were proud of each other. That we loved each other. Because there was no one there for us other than ourselves.

Micaela Stevenson is a medical student.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Physicians attacking physicians online: trauma of the second order

October 6, 2021 Kevin 4
…
Next

Why this physician is running out of sympathy

October 6, 2021 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Medical school

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Physicians attacking physicians online: trauma of the second order
Next Post >
Why this physician is running out of sympathy

More by Micaela Stevenson

  • Doctoring during Kyle Rittenhouse’s acquittal

    Micaela Stevenson
  • A story of medicine’s stolen children

    Micaela Stevenson
  • Formalized mentorship as a requirement for medical schools

    Micaela Stevenson

Related Posts

  • 5 ways to maintain family bonds in medical school

    Micaela Stevenson
  • End medical school grades

    Adam Lieber
  • The medical school personal statement struggle

    Sheindel Ifrah
  • Why medical school is like playing defense

    Jamie Katuna
  • The unintended consequences of free medical school

    Anonymous
  • A meditation in medical school

    Orly Farber

More in Education

  • The secret to success in medical school: self-awareness and courage

    Kaelor Gordon
  • Is mandating pre-medical training widening disparities in the U.S. physician workforce?

    Deepak Gupta, MD and Sarwan Kumar, MD
  • Equalizing the future of medical residencies: standardizing work hours and wages

    Deepak Gupta, MD and Sarwan Kumar, MD
  • From studying to baby kicks: Navigating motherhood in medical school

    Natalie Eichner-Seitz
  • The power of advocacy: a medical student’s journey to helping an uninsured immigrant

    Fabiola Plaza
  • From AI to love: the key to a better future in medical education

    Stevan Walkowski, DO
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • An unspoken truth about non-compete clauses in medicine

      Harry Severance, MD | Policy
    • Fostering the next (diverse) generation of clinicians

      Imamu Tomlinson, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Healing through love and spirituality

      John T. James, PhD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
    • The Titanic sinking: a metaphor for the impending collapse of medicine

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD & Shreekant Vasudhev, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Rescuing primary care: the role of health administrators [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Breaking down barriers: How technology is improving diabetes management in underserved communities

      Anonymous | Conditions
    • From penicillin to digital health: the impact of social media on medicine

      Homer Moutran, MD, MBA, Caline El-Khoury, PhD, and Danielle Wilson | Social media
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • How to overcome telemedicine’s biggest obstacles

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 1 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Investigational ALS Drug May Have Clinical Benefit, FDA Staff Says
  • Cases of Deadly Fungus Tripled in Past Few Years, CDC Says
  • Small Gains in Cardiorespiratory Fitness Track With Improved Longevity
  • Improved OS With Hyperfractionated RT in Recurrent Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma
  • GPT-4 Is Here. How Can Doctors Use Generative AI Now?

Meeting Coverage

  • Rapid Improvement in Atopic Dermatitis With Topical PDE4 Inhibitor
  • New Approaches in the Bladder-Sparing Paradigm
  • Response Rates in Hidradenitis Suppurativa Continue to Climb With New Therapies
  • Another Win for a JAK Inhibitor in Alopecia Areata
  • Biologic Switch Revs Up Response in Plaque Psoriasis
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • An unspoken truth about non-compete clauses in medicine

      Harry Severance, MD | Policy
    • Fostering the next (diverse) generation of clinicians

      Imamu Tomlinson, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Healing through love and spirituality

      John T. James, PhD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
    • The Titanic sinking: a metaphor for the impending collapse of medicine

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD & Shreekant Vasudhev, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Rescuing primary care: the role of health administrators [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Breaking down barriers: How technology is improving diabetes management in underserved communities

      Anonymous | Conditions
    • From penicillin to digital health: the impact of social media on medicine

      Homer Moutran, MD, MBA, Caline El-Khoury, PhD, and Danielle Wilson | Social media
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • How to overcome telemedicine’s biggest obstacles

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Dirt masks and couples massages: My trauma bonds in medical school
1 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...