Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

A panic attack brought on by the stress of medical school

Anne McTiernan, MD, PhD
Education
February 24, 2021
136 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

An excerpt from Cured: A Doctor’s Journey from Panic to Peace.

Dead bodies surrounded me. They lay on their backs, supine in medical terminology. I imagined some staring at the white plastic sheets that covered them completely, others glaring at their closed eyelids. Their smell, a mixture of formaldehyde and death, made me gag. Corpses horrified me. They represented the end of life, separation from loved ones, the possibility of a soul’s eternal damnation. Now as a first-year medical student in Gross Anatomy class, I would examine and touch a cadaver daily to learn the mysteries of the human body. I was thirty-two years old, but terrified that these corpses would drag me into their netherworld.

I was no stranger to the deceased. I’d met many of my relatives at their wakes and funerals, which were more family parties than bereavement rites. But never had I touched a dead person. Now I’d have to touch and see and explore one’s depths.

My life before medical school was full, yet I felt empty. I’d hoped that medicine would make me a powerful woman, would help me feel OK about myself. I hoped to join the exalted club of physicians, healers, and holders of the secrets to long and healthy lives. But, raised as a Boston Irish-American Catholic by a single mother, with no father in my life, I felt better prepared to be a maid than a doctor, more suited to be a nun than wife and mother.

Becoming a physician was out of the question for Catholic girls growing up in the 1950s and 1960s. We were groomed to be mothers or nuns. If we couldn’t manage either of these, we could be teachers, librarians, secretaries, or nurses. When I once told my mother that I’d like to become a doctor, she immediately replied, “Just marry a doctor.” As if there was a line of doctors outside my door, each hoping I’d choose him as my groom.

That September morning of 1985, I gently extricated myself from my girls’ embraces and sped in my beige Volvo station wagon down the Taconic Parkway to the campus that New York Medical College shared with the county prison. I raced through halls to find my assigned anatomy lab section. I opened the door and entered hell.

The anatomy professor raised one eyebrow at me as I slinked in, seemingly the last to arrive. On my way in, I had managed to get only one arm into my lab coat. I skirted the bodies, terrified of touching them. I wondered why the seats were one short—as if the professors were playing musical chairs and the one left standing would be “out.” I was the odd one out at this school, where two-thirds of the students were male, most had medical genes passed down from their doctor-fathers and nurse-mothers, the average age was twenty-two, and all spoke the mile-a-minute New York vernacular.

“It goes without saying that you will treat your bodies with respect,” the professor was saying. I figured she wasn’t talking about our own bodies like the nuns lectured us in high school. No, she meant these dead people. She had a slight European accent, not Austrian or Hungarian like my in-laws. I read the name on her lapel—van Dorn—and thought she must be Dutch. Her skin and hair were as white as her lab coat. I couldn’t estimate her height, since she sat, but imagined her as Viking-sized, ruler of the anatomy lab, holder of my future status as doctor or failure.

“You must remember that the corpses in the anatomy lab were once human beings. They have given a precious gift to you, young doctors, in letting you learn from their bodies. You must appreciate that always. You will not give your bodies names; you will not joke about them or make fun of them. And you will only perform the prescribed dissections, no others. Do you understand?”

Bug-eyed, we all nodded.

“We will begin with learning every muscle of the body,” she said, “from the smallest to the largest. Can anyone tell me what is the smallest muscle in the body?”

Less than a split second elapsed before a male student spit out an answer: “The arrector pili.”

“Yes, excellent,” replied our Viking. “Where is this located?”

“In the hair follicle,” the same student replied, not bothering to hide his smugness.

“Very good.”

So, this was how it was going to be, I thought. While our professor talked on about the class structure, dissection, and written and practical exams, all I could think about was how I didn’t even know there were muscles inside my hair follicles, much less their obscure name. I was a failure already.

As I leaned against the pristine wall, my vision suddenly dimmed. Everything turned gray. I gulped for air. My arms and legs went numb. I felt that drowning sensation I’d had in third grade when a nun pushed my head between my legs to keep me from fainting in church on a brutally hot June day. Or like the time when I was eight months pregnant, took a hot shower at the university gym, and almost belly-flopped onto the concrete floor. I prayed that I wouldn’t pass out on my first day of medical school classes. I didn’t want those MDs-to-be, all smarter and younger than I, to know I couldn’t handle this, that I didn’t belong.

I pressed harder against the white wall, willing myself to remain upright with the living rather than supine with the corpses. Little did I know that the enormity of medical school would soon wash over me, causing these drowning-like symptoms to occur over and over again. I didn’t realize then that I was suffering from a panic attack brought on by the stress of medical school. I didn’t foresee the daily agonizing anxiety I’d face as I tried to do too much with too little time and too few resources.

Anne McTiernan is an internal medicine physician and epidemiologist. She is the author of Cured: A Doctor’s Journey from Panic to Peace.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Letizia Alto, MD on why to become a semi-retired MD [PODCAST]

February 23, 2021 Kevin 0
…
Next

What happens to your child's brain when you nag

February 24, 2021 Kevin 3
…

Tagged as: Medical school

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Letizia Alto, MD on why to become a semi-retired MD [PODCAST]
Next Post >
What happens to your child's brain when you nag

More by Anne McTiernan, MD, PhD

  • How a doctor turns life into story

    Anne McTiernan, MD, PhD
  • What this physician learned from being a doughnut waitress

    Anne McTiernan, MD, PhD

Related Posts

  • Pass-fail in medical school. But the stress remains.

    Orly Farber
  • End medical school grades

    Adam Lieber
  • The medical school personal statement struggle

    Sheindel Ifrah
  • Why medical school is like playing defense

    Jamie Katuna
  • The unintended consequences of free medical school

    Anonymous
  • A meditation in medical school

    Orly Farber

More in Education

  • Master the ABIM Certification exam with effective strategies: insider tips for success

    Farzana Hoque, MD
  • The pros and cons of taking a gap year during medical school

    Med School Insiders
  • Breaking the silence: the truth about mental health challenges among medical students and why medical schools must take action

    Erin Waldrop
  • Breaking the stigma: Encouraging mental health help-seeking in medical trainees

    Anonymous
  • I’m not so different from Lionel Messi – and neither are you

    Lauren Tien
  • 6 ways ChatGPT can help you succeed in medical school

    Drew Bergman
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Proactive risk management: a game-changer in preventing physician burnout

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Discover your true north: Navigating life’s confusions and embracing your path to success

      Tyler Jorgensen, MD | Physician
    • A revolution in patient empowerment: Working together to save our medical system [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Unlock financial freedom: The physician’s guide to lucrative multifamily syndications and wealth accumulation

      Pranay Parikh, MD | Finance
    • From Moscow Mule to the opioid crisis: Unveiling the tragic legacy and urgent solutions

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Meds
    • From journalism to medicine: Unveiling the untold stories of patients’ medical conditions

      Veronica Bonales, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • New Antiviral Option for CMV Prophylaxis After Kidney Transplant
  • Infant RSV Vax Heads to FDA for Review
  • Is Getting Test Results Online Right Away a Good Idea? Yes, Patients Say
  • Residency Application System Cuts Section on Hobbies and Interests
  • Workplace Harassment, Cyber Incivility High for Minority Groups in Academic Medicine

Meeting Coverage

  • Phase II Study: Bispecific Oral Drug Tops Leading JAK Inhibitor for RA
  • Closing the Diversity Gaps in Urologic Oncology Leadership
  • Certain NSCLC Patients May Be Able to Stop Immunotherapy at 2 Years
  • No Survival Benefit With Immune Checkpoint Inhibitor Rechallenge in Metastatic RCC
  • Happy Sleep, Happy Couple?
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Is chaos in health care leading us towards socialized medicine? How physician burnout is a catalyst.

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • Boxing legends Tyson and Foreman: powerful lessons for a resilient and evolving health care future

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • Revolutionize your practice: the value-based care model that reduces physician burnout

      Chandravadan Patel, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of racism in health care: a call for anti-racist action

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Policy
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • Proactive risk management: a game-changer in preventing physician burnout

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Discover your true north: Navigating life’s confusions and embracing your path to success

      Tyler Jorgensen, MD | Physician
    • A revolution in patient empowerment: Working together to save our medical system [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Unlock financial freedom: The physician’s guide to lucrative multifamily syndications and wealth accumulation

      Pranay Parikh, MD | Finance
    • From Moscow Mule to the opioid crisis: Unveiling the tragic legacy and urgent solutions

      Osmund Agbo, MD | Meds
    • From journalism to medicine: Unveiling the untold stories of patients’ medical conditions

      Veronica Bonales, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...