Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Easing a burden, one step at a time

Ellen Rand
Patient
December 13, 2019
305 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

The afternoon that I went for a walk with Linda* for the first time was one of the moments I’ve been proudest of as a hospice volunteer, odd though that may seem.

I’d first met Linda a few months prior to that, when the late fall and winter light made her and her husband Joseph’s small and cluttered apartment dark in the early afternoons. I was there mainly to visit Joseph, who was immobile and unspeaking in his hospital bed in the living room, following a devastating stroke. In theory, a volunteer’s role is to keep ill people company and give their caregivers a break. But I’ve found that caregivers often opt to stay home with their loved ones instead. Why? It may be a fear that something awful will happen in their absence; worry that only they know how to best care for their loved one; or a simple desire to have company themselves once a week for a couple of hours.

Whatever the reason, this was the case with Linda too. And over several months, I came to understand the fierceness of this diminutive woman’s devotion to her husband.  She made sure that he was always clean, that he was turned often enough to avoid bedsores, that he would eat his favorite foods that she’d cooked and blended so she could feed him one spoonful at a time, however long it took. At night, she slept, fitfully, in a reclining chair next to his hospital bed.

The standing cliché about volunteering is that the volunteer gets more out of it than the people he or she helps. That’s certainly been true for me. Over a period of months, I learned about how limitless love and devotion could be. It wasn’t just Linda; their grown children visited regularly, too, always talking with Joseph, being affectionate with him, including him in their conversations.

I wondered how much Joseph understood about what was going on, as he lay, locked in his own body without being able to move or speak. I wondered about the strength of the human spirit, about the bonds that connect us to one another. I wondered about how limited we may be in thinking about what it means to be human, and about what constitutes a life worth living. What seemed clear to me was that Joseph, despite his illness and innumerable, dire complications, was still very much with his family and continued to live longer than anyone expected, likely thanks to all of Linda’s and their children’s love and care.

But caregiving takes its toll, and Linda was exhausted.  So when I visited, I would try to persuade her to go out for a while, but she preferred to stay in, and we would talk over tea and the treats she would urge me to indulge in. That was how I got to know the happier contours of their lives, before illness struck.

Then one glorious spring day, it happened. “Let’s go out for a walk,” I said to Linda. (As long as an aide was there, Joseph wouldn’t be alone if we did.) Finally, she said yes. She disappeared into the bathroom for a while, and when she came out, she had put makeup on, changed her clothes, and fixed her hair. We linked arms, the way I’d done with my mother when she’d been ill, and we walked slowly around her neighborhood. Maybe a couple of blocks at first, but that increased gradually as we walked several more times that spring and early summer, until Joseph died.

I like to think that offering my friendship and a little respite helped her to continue bearing her burden. I still speak with Linda from time to time. She has said that she still feels lost, which breaks my heart. She asks me about my family, and we say “I love you” at the end of our conversations. I don’t know if she goes out for walks anymore. I hope so.

* Names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Ellen Rand is a journalist and author of Last Comforts: Notes from the Forefront of Late Life Care. She can be reached at Last Comforts and on Twitter @EllenRandNJ.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

How predictive analytics help advance population health

December 12, 2019 Kevin 3
…
Next

Seeking mastery in medicine

December 13, 2019 Kevin 0
…

Tagged as: Geriatrics

Post navigation

< Previous Post
How predictive analytics help advance population health
Next Post >
Seeking mastery in medicine

More by Ellen Rand

  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    From a hospice volunteer: Yes, you make a difference

    Ellen Rand
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    A phrase as a metaphor for dying itself

    Ellen Rand

Related Posts

  • It’s time to end the USMLE Step 3 exam

    Madeline Wozniak
  • That time my patient swallowed an entire bag of crack

    Debbie Moore-Black, RN
  • Making time for patient advocacy is more important now than ever

    Bonnie Friedman and Sara L. Merwin, MPH
  • Doctors: It’s time to unionize

    Thomas D. Guastavino, MD
  • Finding happiness in the time of COVID

    Anonymous
  • The black physician’s burden

    Naomi Tweyo Nkinsi

More in Patient

  • There’s no one to drive your patient home

    Denise Reich
  • Dying is a selfish business

    Nancie Wiseman Attwater
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • We are warriors: doctors and patients

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Patient care is not a spectator sport

    Jim Sholler
  • Me is who I am

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • 1 in 5 doctors will become disabled. Are you prepared?

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Misinformed claims and the offensiveness of discrediting COVID-19 vaccine development

      Angel Garcia Otano, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Assertiveness in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Epigenetics and our inheritance to future generations

      Vishruth Nagam | Conditions
    • Practicing medicine with conviction

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • The power of memory in shaping human identity

      Emily F. Peters and Sandeep Jauhar, MD, PhD | Physician
    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • FDA Relents, Approves Novel Antidepressant After Many Rejections
  • OSHA Comes in for Both Praise and Harsh Criticism at House Hearing
  • New Insight Into Hyperglycemia Risk With PI3K Inhibitor for Breast Cancer
  • Oktoberfest Doctor: Not the Wurst Job You Could Have
  • Blue Shield of California Has Fix for MA Enrollees Worried About Co-Pays

Meeting Coverage

  • New Schizophrenia Treatments Are Coming: Don't Panic
  • Loneliness Needs to Be Treated Like Any Other Health Condition, Researcher Suggests
  • Stopping Medical Misinformation Requires Early Detection
  • AI Has an Image Problem in Healthcare, Expert Says
  • Want Better Health Outcomes? Check Out What Other Countries Do
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • The erosion of patient care

      Laura de la Torre, MD | Physician
    • Inside the grueling life of a surgery intern

      Randall S. Fong, MD | Physician
    • 1 in 5 doctors will become disabled. Are you prepared?

      Amarish Dave, DO | Finance
    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Misinformed claims and the offensiveness of discrediting COVID-19 vaccine development

      Angel Garcia Otano, MD | Conditions
  • Past 6 Months

    • Medical gaslighting: a growing challenge in today’s medical landscape

      Tami Burdick | Conditions
    • I want to be a doctor who can provide care for women: What states must I rule out for my medical education?

      Nandini Erodula | Education
    • Balancing opioid medication in chronic pain

      L. Joseph Parker, MD | Conditions
    • Reigniting after burnout: 3 physician stories

      Kim Downey, PT | Physician
    • Mourning the silent epidemic: the physician suicide crisis and suggestions for change

      Amna Shabbir, MD | Physician
    • I’m a doctor, and I almost died during childbirth

      Bayo Curry-Winchell, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The art of pediatrics: Connecting through observation

      Alexander Rakowsky, MD | Conditions
    • Assertiveness in health care [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Epigenetics and our inheritance to future generations

      Vishruth Nagam | Conditions
    • Practicing medicine with conviction

      Arthur Lazarus, MD, MBA | Physician
    • The power of memory in shaping human identity

      Emily F. Peters and Sandeep Jauhar, MD, PhD | Physician
    • How Tratak yoga reshaped my USMLE Step 2 prep

      Dr. Nikita Mehdiratta | Education

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...