Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

If you’re chronically ill, setting limitations can make your symptoms manageable

Toni Bernhard, JD
Patient
June 24, 2019
56 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

For many years after I became chronically ill, I blamed myself for failing to recover my health. I told myself: “You get sick; you get better. It’s as simple as that.” As a result of this stubborn attitude, I refused to set limits, even though it would have been a tremendous help, not only in managing my symptoms but in keeping them from flaring.

Learning to set limitations

I have a background in Buddhism (which I practice as a practical path, not a religion). In the first noble truth, the Buddha offers a list of unpleasant experiences we’ll all encounter at some time in life. I’d read that list many times but had never paid attention to these words from the list: pain and illness.

Seeing those words on his list helped me realize chronic illness (which includes chronic pain) is not an aberration. It wasn’t my fault I was struggling with my health. Those struggles are a normal part of the human life cycle. And so, I decided to take chronic illness as my starting point and build a new life from there. That’s when I started to set limitations. Here are those that I’ve found to be essential.

1. Limit the number of things you commit to in a row

I have an online calendar. When I make a doctor’s appointment or agree to an interview or a visit from a friend, I do everything I can to make sure that, on the day before and the day after the commitment, my calendar is empty.

Of course, I can’t always pull this off because, as John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Some weeks get away from me—my calendar might be empty on a day that I’ve left blank, but if the plumbing backs up, I’m going to call—and then “host”—the plumber!

2. Limit your activities to what you can handle without your symptoms flaring

What constitutes “too much” varies with each person. Some people who are chronically ill can travel, so long as they schedule rest periods. Other people, like me, are mostly housebound.

Enforcing this limitation is much harder than making sure my calendar has commitments spread out across the week. Limiting activities to what I can reasonably handle takes discipline; I have to work at it every day.

I’m better at it than I used to be because, over the years, I’ve seen the consequences of not limiting myself. I remember the day when my granddaughter was visiting from out of town. She was still a toddler then. I wanted so badly to take her by myself to the park next door that I told everyone to stay in the house. I was in a defiant mood: “I’m tired of being restricted by pain and illness; I’m going to stay at the park as long as she wants.”

And so I did—pushing her on the swings, going on the slides with her. I stayed until she was ready to come home. Not surprisingly, I paid dearly for my defiance. It landed me in bed for days. And it had all been unnecessary because anyone in the family would have been glad to come with us so I could leave when I needed to. Now I’ve stopped pretending that I’m not limited by chronic illness.

When it comes to important events, such as a wedding or holiday festivities, each of us must decide if the exacerbation of symptoms is worth going over our limitations. Sometimes it is. I recently attended a wedding of two good friends. I only stayed for the ceremony. Yes, I was sad to leave before the reception started, but I was already over my limit and knew there would be payback. There was, but it was worth it. That said, I don’t have the option to ignore some limitations, such as my inability to travel.

3. Limit what you agree to contribute to events and family gatherings

This is related to #2. I raise it separately because it can be such a big challenge to say “no” to loved ones. I suggest that you think ahead of time about what you can comfortably contribute to a gathering. Perhaps you can bake a pie, but can’t do more. Perhaps you can help set the table for a holiday dinner, but can’t help with clean-up.

It’s hard to say “no,” but it gets easier with practice. Let feelings obligation or guilt give way to your need for self-care. If your loved ones don’t understand, try to educate them about your limitations. If they still don’t understand, file it away as yet another instance of those who, not being chronically ill themselves, are ignorant about the effect it has on a person’s life.

4. Limit your negative self-talk

Many people believe that being chronically ill is proof of some personal failure. As a result, they become extremely self-critical. This negative self-talk is often fed by comments from others, such as: “I’m tired too” or “You’re too young to be in pain.” One way to limit negative self-talk is to resolve never to side with others against yourself no matter what they say to you. Their comments reflect their ignorance about chronic pain and illness, so don’t take those comments personally. Trust your own judgment.

If you’re not already doing so, I hope you’ll start setting limitations this very day.

Toni Bernhard was a law professor at the University of California—Davis. She is the author of How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers (Second Edition), How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to Navigating Joy and Sorrow, and How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness: A Mindful Guide. She can be reached at her self-titled site, Toni Bernhard.  

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Cancer care costs everyone too much. What can we do about it?

June 24, 2019 Kevin 0
…
Next

Remembering a physician, suddenly taken away

June 25, 2019 Kevin 1
…

Tagged as: Patients, Rheumatology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Cancer care costs everyone too much. What can we do about it?
Next Post >
Remembering a physician, suddenly taken away

More by Toni Bernhard, JD

  • 4 things the chronically ill wish others understood

    Toni Bernhard, JD
  • 5 hidden consequences of chronic pain

    Toni Bernhard, JD
  • 10 challenges faced by those with chronic pain and illness

    Toni Bernhard, JD

Related Posts

  • 4 things the chronically ill wish others understood

    Toni Bernhard, JD
  • Loved ones: You’re with us, too

    Nicole Russell
  • Setting the facts straight about The Joint Commission’s stance on food and drink

    Mark Pelletier, MS, RN
  • Issues faced by LGBTQ individuals in the operative setting

    Indraneel Prabhu
  • Turning negatives into positives when you’re chronically ill

    Toni Bernhard, JD
  • The most frustrating things about being chronically ill 

    Toni Bernhard, JD

More in Patient

  • There’s no one to drive your patient home

    Denise Reich
  • Dying is a selfish business

    Nancie Wiseman Attwater
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • We are warriors: doctors and patients

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Patient care is not a spectator sport

    Jim Sholler
  • Me is who I am

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

      Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Breaking free from gaslighting [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The pros and cons of using ChatGPT for your health care needs

      Liudmila Schafer, MD | Tech
    • Dr. Glaucomflecken for president!

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Amy Bissada, DO & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • Do residents deserve the title of physician?

      Anonymous | Physician
    • A new era of collaboration between AI and health care professionals

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

Leave a Comment

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • How Did Pulse Oximeters Perform in Black Kids?
  • Coffee and Heart Function; Ionizing Radiation and CVD
  • Health Inequity Should Be Labeled as a 'Never Event'
  • Healing the Damaged Nurse-Physician Dynamic
  • Doc Moms, Mind the Gap -- $3M Earning Difference by Sex

Meeting Coverage

  • Switch to IL-23 Blocker Yields Deep Responses in Recalcitrant Plaque Psoriasis
  • Biomarkers of Response With Enfortumab Vedotin in Advanced Urothelial Cancer
  • At-Home Topical Therapy for Molluscum Contagiosum Gets High Marks
  • Outlook for Itchy Prurigo Nodularis Continues to Improve With IL-31 Antagonist
  • AAAAI President Shares Highlights From the 2023 Meeting
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

      Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

      Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD | Physician
    • Deaths of despair: an urgent call for a collective response to the crisis in U.S. life expectancy

      Mohammed Umer Waris, MD | Policy
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Breaking free from gaslighting [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The pros and cons of using ChatGPT for your health care needs

      Liudmila Schafer, MD | Tech
    • Dr. Glaucomflecken for president!

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Amy Bissada, DO & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • Do residents deserve the title of physician?

      Anonymous | Physician
    • A new era of collaboration between AI and health care professionals

      Harvey Castro, MD, MBA | Tech

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...