Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

My depression won’t defeat me

Ronna Edelstein
Patient
June 1, 2018
45 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

Announce to friends that you have cancer, and they will probably react with sympathy and compassion. Tell them that you’ve broken your leg, and they’ll offer to get your groceries and drive you to medical appointments.

Share that you suffer from depression — and the sound of silence will fill your head.

Depression has been my companion for as long as I can remember. My maternal grandmother, who immigrated to this country from Romania, spent her days struggling to raise four children in a land whose customs and language she never learned. Her husband, my grandfather, rarely stayed home; when not traveling to eke out a living as a peddler, he would socialize with his cronies at a park or synagogue. In his later years, twice widowed and living in a nursing home, he set fire to his own leg as an expression of his inner unhappiness.

Small wonder then, that my mother grew up in a house that was filled with darkness even when the sun shone. As a child, Ma dreamed of becoming a teacher, but when her parents refused to send her to college, she succumbed to a life devoid of hope.

She tried her best to bring joy and comfort to my father, brother and me and to give us a hope-filled life. Yet even Ma, who took charge of the house like a general marshaling her troops could not overcome genetics. I inherited her size-ten feet, her fear of dogs, her love of reading — and her propensity for depression.

Even as a little girl, I knew I differed from the other kids on the street. I remember feeling heavy — not only in body but also in spirit. Although I didn’t know the word “depression,” I knew that my inner darkness didn’t come simply from my being taller than everyone else. Something inside imprisoned and disabled me.

Rather than go outside to play with the real kids, I preferred to sit in the basement with my family of dolls while Ma washed and ironed. I knew, with a certainty born of my depression, that the other kids would tease me for striking out in kickball or failing to keep the hula hoop spinning, and that they’d let me stay lost during hide-and-seek.

I filled my days and evenings with doll-playing, television-watching with Dad and canasta games with my paternal grandma. At night, after falling asleep, I would wake up gagging and gasping in panic, unable to catch my breath. My father would rush to my room and gently rub my back and hold my hand until I fell asleep again.

But neither Dad nor Ma took me to a doctor to learn why I spent my days isolated from my peers, and my nights fighting the demon that lived inside me. Doctors were for sore throats and aching tummies, not hopelessness and anxiety attacks. Psychiatrists were for people locked away in institutions, not for a little girl who made her bed, respected her elders and did well in school. My parents didn’t address my depression because, like most parents of the 1950s and early 1960s, they didn’t recognize depression as a real disease.

In my twenties, as a newly minted public high-school teacher, I thought about getting professional help; but in those days therapy was still stigmatized. I worried that I’d lose my job if my principal heard that I was seeing a “head doctor,” and I feared that my parents would look down on me for seeking counseling.

Instead, I adopted the philosophy of my paternal grandma, who’d lost her husband in the 1918 flu epidemic, endured a second marriage to an alcoholic and spent years toiling in a grocery store: “Life is about getting out of bed, going about your business and not complaining.”

Six weeks shy of my twenty-fifth birthday, I married. Eighteen months later, after my son’s birth, my marriage began to fail. Despite that, I had a second child–a daughter. With both my marital situation and my depression worsening, I asked my physician for help.

“Have a third child,” he advised. As desperate as I felt, I did have enough wisdom and self-preservation to reject that particular advice.

Over the ensuing decades, I have consulted countless other experts. I’ve spoken with social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists; I’ve tried cognitive behavioral therapy, mental and physical exercises and medication. None of these approaches has helped much. Even the most skilled therapists haven’t had the power to change my genetics, nor, seemingly, to lift the shadows that hover over me.

In recent years, though, two things have helped me — ironically, neither of them medical.

First, for the past several years, I’ve been a devoted pen pal to my twelve-year-old great-niece, who lives several states away. Walt Disney is her hero. Knowing how fondly she cherishes the timeless, hope-filled verities of the Magic Kingdom, I choose my letters’ words and content with care; I don’t want my depression to taint her life. Writing to her feels like whistling a happy tune to convince myself that I’m not afraid: The more I write, the more I believe that I can be OK.

Second, last year my children gave me a seventieth-birthday gift that inspired a feeling that perhaps I can move forward in a positive way. It’s an album of photographs taken throughout my life, from my youth to the present, showing everything from my kids’ milestones to the last pictures taken of me with my beloved parents and grandmother.

In all of the pictures, I’m smiling — not just with my mouth but with my eyes. These images give me hope: If I once was able to wrap myself in joy and embrace moments of happiness, then I can do it again.

Although my depression has exhausted me, I tell myself, it has not defeated me.

And so I start every morning by reminding myself of something positive that will happen that day, and I end each evening by reliving a positive moment that I enjoyed. I remind myself that although some battles may have been lost, the war is still mine to win.

And so, I soldier on.

Ronna Edelstein is an English professor. This piece was originally published in Pulse — voices from the heart of medicine. 

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

Life on the night shift at the hospital

June 1, 2018 Kevin 1
…
Next

It's time to recognize the rights of medical students and residents

June 1, 2018 Kevin 17
…

Tagged as: Patients, Psychiatry

Post navigation

< Previous Post
Life on the night shift at the hospital
Next Post >
It's time to recognize the rights of medical students and residents

More by Ronna Edelstein

  • I live a life in which pain plays a constant role

    Ronna Edelstein
  • Bringing Dad home from the nursing facility was the right decision

    Ronna Edelstein

Related Posts

  • Treating depression with ketamine: We need incremental treatment for depression

    Shaili Jain, MD
  • Physicians are at the frontline of depression

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • The suicidal patient who couldn’t be placed

    Raymond Abbott
  • Surviving medical school with depression

    Anonymous
  • A patient waits. And waits.

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • How this student took care of his severe depression in medical school

    Anonymous

More in Patient

  • There’s no one to drive your patient home

    Denise Reich
  • Dying is a selfish business

    Nancie Wiseman Attwater
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • We are warriors: doctors and patients

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Patient care is not a spectator sport

    Jim Sholler
  • Me is who I am

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Georgia’s new law promoting truth and transparency in health care credentials

      Carmen Kavali, MD | Policy
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Proactive risk management: a game-changer in preventing physician burnout

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unfilled residency spots and the future of emergency medicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How excessively regulating doctors can harm patients

      Richard Gunderman, MD, PhD and James Lynch, MD | Physician
    • AI-driven solutions for burnout, patient empathy, and worker shortage

      Harry Severance, MD | Tech
    • How modern lifestyle changes are disrupting our immune systems

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • Empathy and awareness: Unveiling the hidden dangers of food allergies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The alarming epidemic of physician burnout and how we can combat it

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 3 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Hooray! A Clearer Estimate of Your Risk for Death Is Around the Corner
  • Transapical Transcatheter Mitral Valve Replacement Trial Raises Questions
  • Americans With Heart Disease Less Likely to Use Wearable Devices
  • Residents, Fellows at Mass General Brigham Vote to Unionize
  • Alzheimer's Drug Clears Major Hurdle Toward Full Approval

Meeting Coverage

  • Transapical Transcatheter Mitral Valve Replacement Trial Raises Questions
  • MitraClip Shines in Real-World, Core-Lab Data
  • Risankizumab Safe in Older Crohn's Disease Patients
  • How to Better Identify HER2-Low Breast Cancer
  • Higher Fetal Cortisol Levels Linked to Sleep Onset Delays
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • The rising threat of lung cancer in Asian American female nonsmokers

      Alice S. Y. Lee, MD | Conditions
    • Revealing America’s expansion: the dark truth of Native American suffering and unjustified abuses

      Anonymous | Physician
    • Georgia’s new law promoting truth and transparency in health care credentials

      Carmen Kavali, MD | Policy
    • The tragic story of Mr. G: a painful journey towards understanding suicide

      William Lynes, MD | Physician
    • Decoding name displays in health care: Privacy, identification, and compliance unveiled

      Deepak Gupta, MD | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • “Is your surgeon really skilled? The hidden threat to public safety in medicine.

      Gene Uzawa Dorio, MD | Physician
    • A physician’s typical day, as envisioned by a non-clinician health care MBA: a satire

      Jennifer Lycette, MD | Physician
    • Unveiling the hidden damage: the secretive world of medical boards

      Alan Lindemann, MD | Physician
    • Proactive risk management: a game-changer in preventing physician burnout

      Howard Smith, MD | Physician
    • An inspiring tribute to an exceptional radiologist who made a lasting impact

      Kim Downey, PT | Conditions
    • The hidden factor in physician burnout: How the climate crisis is contributing to the erosion of well-being

      Elizabeth Cerceo, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unfilled residency spots and the future of emergency medicine [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • How excessively regulating doctors can harm patients

      Richard Gunderman, MD, PhD and James Lynch, MD | Physician
    • AI-driven solutions for burnout, patient empathy, and worker shortage

      Harry Severance, MD | Tech
    • How modern lifestyle changes are disrupting our immune systems

      Kara Wada, MD | Conditions
    • Empathy and awareness: Unveiling the hidden dangers of food allergies [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • The alarming epidemic of physician burnout and how we can combat it

      Tomi Mitchell, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

My depression won’t defeat me
3 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...