Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

Doctors don’t have the luxury of grief

Jenna T. Nakagawa, MD, MPH
Physician
August 13, 2017
712 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

On a normal Tuesday, one of my fellow residents did the same things we all do. She woke up before sunrise, put her best face forward, came to work, saw patients quickly, wrote notes, said “good morning” to everyone at morning conference, saw more patients, wrote more notes, then went home. She said “good night” to her loved ones  —  her parents and siblings at home  —  and went to sleep. The following morning, she was found dead in her bed.

I was on nights when she died. That morning I had gone home, showered and was getting ready for my daytime slumber when I received an ominous phone call from a co-resident. Then, one text message after another. A buzz of panic in our hive. The news came like a weight we couldn’t swallow or even comprehend but had to pass on to one another. And in that way, everyone in our program  —  all the attendings, ancillary and nursing staff and anyone close to her  —  eventually came to know of her untimely and unexplained death.

The following, blurry days were a waking nightmare for all of us. As residents, as physicians, we don’t get the luxury of grieving. We still came to work. We still clocked in the for the 80-hour week. We went on pretending that we were okay  —  that we were the smart, capable, limitless doctors who patients and the health care system, expect us to be.

But we were not those doctors. We were friends unable to grieve over a sudden loss. We were sisters who felt our other half had been destroyed. We were parent-figures who watched, for years, a young doctor grow into something powerful. We were colleagues who were inspired by her attitude and her grace. We were juniors who hope to be like her one day. And when she died, the void in our hearts was crushing and violating. It was unlike anything we had prepared for.

We all had our moments. Breaking down in supply closets and empty hallways. Staring at computer screens and gripped our scrubs, fighting tears at the nursing station. Losing. Feeling confident one moment, then suddenly getting the wind knocked out. Nearly falling, nearly fainting. Hallucinating, seeing her in the hallways, or outside the hospital. Fearing every unanswered call meant the person on the other end had died. Not sleeping for days. Needing medication, needing therapy. And still somehow, fighting for patients, arguing with residents from other services, delivering babies, cutting open abdomens, removing body parts, running down to patients in the emergency room, counseling women through miscarriages, discussing terminal illness with families. All of this with a tornado inside of us.

When doctors hurt, the suffering is quiet. We don’t get to leave our work behind. We don’t get to fly home. We are supposed to be the ones with the answers, the ones who understand pain well enough to prevent it. We don’t get to cry, or be angry, or offended. We are the professionals who suppress our emotions so that others can present theirs. Faces in white coats with a smile, burning out. Dropping everything at home and sleeping without resting. Working meticulously, often leaving our internal processes sloppy and incomplete.

When doctors hurt, the best we can do is hurt together. I am grateful for my co-residents who have not been afraid to share how much pain they are in. The work that we do and the way we live our lives are inherently conflicting. However, the way we understand ourselves and our roles as providers need not be incomplete. Remembering our co-resident and sister, we can strive to be grateful for every day, and to not take those around us for granted.

When I came to work the other morning, the hospital was still sleeping and the hallways were empty and peaceful. A housekeeping lady was mopping the floor. After we exchanged “good mornings,” she looked up at me with a smile and said, “You’re in the right place.”

I turned the corner and cried.

Jenna T. Nakagawa is a resident physician who blogs at her self-titled site, Jenna T. Nakagawa.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

Prev

12 tips for giving patients bad news

August 13, 2017 Kevin 4
…
Next

A nurse was attacked in the emergency department. This is her story.

August 14, 2017 Kevin 2
…

Tagged as: Hospital-Based Medicine, Residency

Post navigation

< Previous Post
12 tips for giving patients bad news
Next Post >
A nurse was attacked in the emergency department. This is her story.

More by Jenna T. Nakagawa, MD, MPH

  • COVID-19 has us on our knees

    Jenna T. Nakagawa, MD, MPH
  • Outrage at how the health care system “cares” for women

    Jenna T. Nakagawa, MD, MPH
  • Please call me doctor: In defense of feminist medicine

    Jenna T. Nakagawa, MD, MPH

Related Posts

  • Why do doctors who hate being doctors still practice?

    Kristin Puhl, MD
  • Doctors: It’s time to unionize

    Thomas D. Guastavino, MD
  • Doctors die. But the good ones leave a legacy.

    Jaime B. Gerber, MD
  • When doctors are right

    Sophia Zilber
  • We’re doctors. We signed the book.

    Jonathan Peters, MD
  • Why doctors-in-training need better nutritional education

    Abeer Arain, MD, MPH

More in Physician

  • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

    Maiysha Clairborne, MD
  • Finding peace through surrender: a personal exploration

    Dympna Weil, MD
  • The struggle to fill emergency medicine residency spots: Exploring the factors behind the unfilled match

    Katrina Gipson, MD, MPH
  • Beyond the disease: the power of empathy in health care

    Nana Dadzie Ghansah, MD
  • How to overcome telemedicine’s biggest obstacles

    Harvey Castro, MD, MBA
  • The patient who became my soulmate

    Anonymous
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of misery in medicine: a practical guide

      Paul R. Ehrmann, DO | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlock the power of physician compensation data in contract negotiations [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From pennies to attending salaries: Why physicians should teach their kids financial literacy

      Michele Cho-Dorado, MD | Finance
    • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

      Maiysha Clairborne, MD | Physician
    • Changing the pediatric care landscape: Integrating behavioral and mental health care

      Hilary M. Bowers, MD | Conditions
    • Contract Diagnostics is the only firm 100 percent dedicated to physician contract reviews

      Contract Diagnostics | Sponsored
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 2 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • Pregnant, Black? Here's Your Drug Test
  • Progestin-Only Birth Control Linked to Small Increase in Breast Cancer Risk
  • Fatty Acid Tube Feeding May Backfire for Preemie Breathing Disorder
  • Case Reports Detail Vision Loss Linked to Recalled Artificial Tears
  • Admin Trumps Med Students: Anti-Abortion Group Allowed on Campus

Meeting Coverage

  • Outlook for Itchy Prurigo Nodularis Continues to Improve With IL-31 Antagonist
  • AAAAI President Shares Highlights From the 2023 Meeting
  • Second-Line Sacituzumab Govitecan Promising in Platinum-Ineligible UC
  • Trial of Novel TYK2 Inhibitor Hits Its Endpoint in Plaque Psoriasis
  • Durable Vitiligo Responses With Topical Ruxolitinib
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Healing the damaged nurse-physician dynamic

      Angel J. Mena, MD and Ali Morin, MSN, RN | Policy
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • From physician to patient: one doctor’s journey to finding purpose after a devastating injury

      Stephanie Pearson, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the stigma: Addressing the struggles of physicians

      Jean Antonucci, MD | Physician
    • Breaking the cycle of misery in medicine: a practical guide

      Paul R. Ehrmann, DO | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The hidden dangers of the Nebraska Heartbeat Act

      Meghan Sheehan, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • Why are doctors sued and politicians aren’t?

      Kellie Lease Stecher, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • Unlock the power of physician compensation data in contract negotiations [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • From pennies to attending salaries: Why physicians should teach their kids financial literacy

      Michele Cho-Dorado, MD | Finance
    • From solidarity to co-liberation: Understanding the journey towards ending oppression

      Maiysha Clairborne, MD | Physician
    • Changing the pediatric care landscape: Integrating behavioral and mental health care

      Hilary M. Bowers, MD | Conditions
    • Contract Diagnostics is the only firm 100 percent dedicated to physician contract reviews

      Contract Diagnostics | Sponsored
    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

Doctors don’t have the luxury of grief
2 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...