Skip to content
  • About
  • Contact
  • Contribute
  • Book
  • Careers
  • Podcast
  • Recommended
  • Speaking
  • All
  • Physician
  • Practice
  • Policy
  • Finance
  • Conditions
  • .edu
  • Patient
  • Meds
  • Tech
  • Social
  • Video
    • All
    • Physician
    • Practice
    • Policy
    • Finance
    • Conditions
    • .edu
    • Patient
    • Meds
    • Tech
    • Social
    • Video
    • About
    • Contact
    • Contribute
    • Book
    • Careers
    • Podcast
    • Recommended
    • Speaking

The simple act of truth in the face of incurable cancer

Elaine Waples
Patient
April 5, 2013
128 Shares
Share
Tweet
Share

Most of us have spent some time thinking about our own deaths. We do it with a sense of dreadful curiosity, but then we push it aside with “well, we’ve all got to go sometime.”

Unlike most people, I probably know the how, the why, and maybe even the when of that event. It is profound information that turns the world upside down for us, our families, friends and caregivers.

I have cancer that is incurable, aggressive, and has negligible survival odds. My chemotherapy is a long shot. I will leave a spouse, children, siblings and a life that I love and cherish. I cannot imagine existence without them.

I have read the books about stages of grief and end of life. But when all is said and done, truth is the great measure. The truth between doctor and patient when there is nothing else to be done. The truth between patient and family who want desperately to have a few more months or days and cannot. The truth between patient and friends who must accept and move on without bitterness. The truth between patient and spouse, partner, or caregiver who have waited for that moment and are helpless to change it.

Of all things, the simple act of truth has become most important to my husband and me. We talk about my dying. It is a poignant, painful and sometimes funny honesty. We have done it after solemn consults with physicians, during long hospital stays, through gut-wrenching disappointments, and sometimes over toast and coffee on Sunday mornings.

We have learned to be forthright and unafraid of saying it out loud. We deal with small moments – planning vacations, making purchases, visiting family, entertaining old friends – in a sober and reflective way. Routine plans – Christmas with the family; the vacation cottage; an annual trip – become critical decisions. We discipline ourselves to push aside the things that are trivial. It becomes easy to ignore the cracks in the driveway and the clutter in the closet.

And we occasionally treat it with laughter although, perhaps to the horror of some, it is gallows humor. We joke that when I am gone, the piano, the house, the cars will all be his. We laugh and mimic Homer Simpson, believing he is doomed, reading a pamphlet headlined, “So You’re Going To Die.” It reminds us that we are in a real world where playfulness is a part of life.

There is no bucket list. There are no plans to see the great pyramids, kiss the Blarney Stone, or throw a party in Times Square. We look to the small things we have known for decades that have become precious to us now: a walk on the beach, a Saturday matinee movie, sharing a bowl of ice cream, holding hands as we go to sleep at night.

Details – advanced directives, the will, the attorney, the broker – are easy. These will help put affairs in order but they do not address relationships with the world and the people who inhabit it.

The hard things that tug at the heart and create the pain are the unbearable truths to parents that they will lose a child; to siblings that the person they’ve known their entire lives will be gone; to children that they must overcome and move on. They convey a clear and undeniable message to doctors that they must relinquish the desire to salvage, fix and prolong.

But most of all, the truths we come to know lie in the depth and clarity of our bonds. For me, this is reflected in the conversations with my husband, the beloved person in my world. I want him to go on with life; to find someone to share it with; to help the children as they struggle with the loss; to remember the laughter and how much we loved each other. That is all I have left to give him. And for that I extract a bittersweet promise that he will make me laugh until the end, that we will hold hands every night, that we will share the ice cream, that we will always talk about what is happening, and that I will die with him beside me.

It is the dignity, the finality, and the truth at the end of life.

Elaine Waples underwent major abdominal surgery for ovarian cancer that had metastasized to several organs. Her journey is chronicled on Care and Cost.

Prev

What patients want from mobile apps

April 4, 2013 Kevin 9
…
Next

How a doctor's online reputation survived a front page newspaper story

April 5, 2013 Kevin 27
…

Tagged as: Oncology/Hematology

Post navigation

< Previous Post
What patients want from mobile apps
Next Post >
How a doctor's online reputation survived a front page newspaper story

More by Elaine Waples

  • Experiencing the revolving door of physicians in the hospital

    Elaine Waples
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    What being a cancer survivor has taught me about food

    Elaine Waples
  • a desk with keyboard and ipad with the kevinmd logo

    Attitude is half the battle when you’re sick

    Elaine Waples

More in Patient

  • There’s no one to drive your patient home

    Denise Reich
  • Dying is a selfish business

    Nancie Wiseman Attwater
  • A story of a good death

    Carol Ewig
  • We are warriors: doctors and patients

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Patient care is not a spectator sport

    Jim Sholler
  • Me is who I am

    Michele Luckenbaugh
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • The psychoanalytic hammer: lessons in listening and patient-centered care

      Greg Smith, MD | Conditions
    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • Safe sex for seniors: Dispelling myths and embracing safe practices [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming Parkinson’s: a journey of laughter and resilience

      Cynthia Poire Mathews, FNP | Conditions
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Maximize sleep efficiency with stimulus control

      Pedram Navab, DO | Conditions
    • The Iranian diaspora’s fight for liberty: Overcoming challenges in the largest women’s rights movement of our century

      Montreh Tavakkoli, MD | Physician

Subscribe to KevinMD and never miss a story!

Get free updates delivered free to your inbox.


Find jobs at
Careers by KevinMD.com

Search thousands of physician, PA, NP, and CRNA jobs now.

Learn more

View 5 Comments >

Founded in 2004 by Kevin Pho, MD, KevinMD.com is the web’s leading platform where physicians, advanced practitioners, nurses, medical students, and patients share their insight and tell their stories.

Social

  • Like on Facebook
  • Follow on Twitter
  • Connect on Linkedin
  • Subscribe on Youtube
  • Instagram

CME Spotlights

From MedPage Today

Latest News

  • How This Doctor Found Purpose After a Devastating Injury
  • House Lawmakers Squabble Over HHS Budget
  • Infant Formula Crisis Exposed FDA and Industry Failings, Lawmakers Say
  • Building Vaccine Trust Among the General Public
  • Is It Business as Usual for the Drug Industry?

Meeting Coverage

  • Phase III Trials 'Hit a Home Run' in Advanced Endometrial Cancer
  • Cannabis Use Common in Post-Surgery Patients on Opioid Tapering
  • Less Abuse With Extended-Release Oxycodone, Poison Center Data Suggest
  • Novel Strategies Show Winning Potential in Ovarian Cancer
  • Children Do Well With Fewer Opiates After Surgery
  • Most Popular

  • Past Week

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • What is driving physicians to the edge of despair?

      Edward T. Creagan, MD | Physician
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • The psychoanalytic hammer: lessons in listening and patient-centered care

      Greg Smith, MD | Conditions
    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
  • Past 6 Months

    • The real cause of America’s opioid crisis: Doctors are not to blame

      Richard A. Lawhern, PhD | Meds
    • Nobody wants this job. Should physicians stick around?

      Katie Klingberg, MD | Physician
    • The vital importance of climate change education in medical schools

      Helen Kim, MD | Policy
    • The fight for reproductive health: Why medication abortion matters

      Catherine Hennessey, MD | Physician
    • It’s time for C-suite to contract directly with physicians for part-time work

      Aaron Morgenstein, MD & Corinne Sundar Rao, MD | Physician
    • Resetting the doctor-patient relationship: Navigating the challenges of modern primary care

      Jeffrey H. Millstein, MD | Physician
  • Recent Posts

    • The heart of a Desi doctor: Balancing emotions and resources in oncology

      Dr. Damane Zehra | Physician
    • Safe sex for seniors: Dispelling myths and embracing safe practices [PODCAST]

      The Podcast by KevinMD | Podcast
    • Overcoming Parkinson’s: a journey of laughter and resilience

      Cynthia Poire Mathews, FNP | Conditions
    • The untold struggles patients face with resident doctors

      Denise Reich | Conditions
    • Maximize sleep efficiency with stimulus control

      Pedram Navab, DO | Conditions
    • The Iranian diaspora’s fight for liberty: Overcoming challenges in the largest women’s rights movement of our century

      Montreh Tavakkoli, MD | Physician

MedPage Today Professional

An Everyday Health Property Medpage Today iMedicalApps
  • Terms of Use | Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA Policy
All Content © KevinMD, LLC
Site by Outthink Group

The simple act of truth in the face of incurable cancer
5 comments

Comments are moderated before they are published. Please read the comment policy.

Loading Comments...