How do you know if a couple is right for each other?
Watch how they interact in a cancer clinic.
So says this oncologist in a poignant column from the Boston Globe. As Robin Schoenthaler writes, “When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick. And one shining example of this is how a guy deals with your purse.”
And, as a bonus, Dr. Schoenthaler suggests what women should really be looking for when writing a personal ad:
WANTED: . . . A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.
Indeed.
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- Are we finding too much breast cancer?
- American health care and cost-effectiveness
- False positives don’t emotionally resonate
- Learning from a patient
{ 2 comments }
Thanks for linking my article, Kevin. I’ve gotten a huge amount of positive feedback on the essay, and am thrilled that it seems to have “hit a chord.”
Love your blog, incidentally — good luck with it all!
Robin Schoenthaler, MD
Thanks for this from all of us singletons with chronic illnesses. It is a fabulous prospective ad. Before I got sick my standards pretty much were someone who was employed, amiable and had never been in prison. My how things have changed.
Dating is challenging enough. But when do you tell someone you have cancer or lupus or, in my case, MS? If you meet someone on line, how do you explain you might show up at your first date with a cane? Or a trip to a museum means using a wheelchair? Do you wait until you feel a connection and then seem as though you have been deceptive? Or are you upfront from the start only to see prospects bail? Even though it is hard, I tell from the beginning, it’s the only way I can operate.
You never want to assume a date means forever after, but you wonder what goes through your date’s mind? How they might get ’stuck’ taking care of you? How much work it is manipulating a wheelchair in and out of a car and small spaces? How suddenly a walking, healthy person seems heaps more attractive and low maintenance?
A chronic or serious illness just magnifies any insecurities you have. I am smart and funny and kind but…am I worth the effort? To parphrase Seinfeld, am I purse worthy?
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