The longtime (first and only)wife of a highly successful general and thoracic surgeon and mother of six, she had a lot of experience in being married to a doctor with all the good and bad things that go with it.

I remember her words almost exactly: “OK, this is what your life will be like. He won’t be home for Christmas or New Year’s. He won’t be there for your birthday – or your childrens’ birthdays. He’ll miss your anniversary. You’ll burn dinner more often than not because he won’t be there to eat it with the family. You’ll have to make most decisions about your lives on your own. And if you can’t handle all that and more WITHOUT MAKING HIM FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, don’t you DARE walk down that aisle. Because he’d MUCH rather be with you and his family, but he has something more important to take care of – his patients. And if you can’t deal with being second to that, you have no right to marry him.”

I assured her I’d give a lot of thought to what she said, and I did. Just before the wedding, I told her I COULD handle all that, and she smiled and said, “I know you can, dear – I just wanted you to hear the words.”

That was 23 years ago, and I’ve seen that everything she told me – and more – was true, PARTICULARLY the part about NOT MAKING HIM FEEL GUILTY for the things he’s missed -because he doesn’t need me to make him feel any WORSE about those things.

In gratitude for her guidance and honesty, I’ve passed her excellent advice along to every resident’s significant other I’ve met over my husband’s many years of training surgical residents. I’ve even passed it along to the newly married ones, and from time to time, one of the young wives (or husbands) will come back to me and thank me for telling them the truth – particularly the part about not making their physician spouse feel GUILTY about doing what they do and the things they’re forced to miss because of it.

Sure, sometimes it really sucks to be married to a surgeon. I jokingly tell non-medical friends that I’m a single parent. But when it sucks the most and I’m the most frustrated, he’s the LAST person I’d ever tell. Thank god for a good support system of other physicians’ spouses who GET it – we keep each other level. If you (or your spouse) don’t HAVE that support system, it’s doubly difficult – so it’s a good idea to seek out your local chapter of the county or state medical society Alliance to find other physicians’ spouses who GET it.

And in the meantime, my gut tells me that this angry young woman probably SHOULDN’T walk down the aisle with her fiance, no matter how much she thinks she loves him, because I’m afraid that she’ll be miserable and so will he….

What a bitch!